maybe I care too much
bleeding my heart dry
to make sure yours will still beat

maybe I care too much
emptying my lungs with kind words
for you to know how much
someone cares

maybe I care too much
lending you my eyes
so you can see yourself
the way I see you

maybe I care too much
and that is why
people always move on
and I am left behind

Maybe one day I’ll take one extra pill
and the people who took me for granted
won’t hear from me again

for once—
i’ll be the one ghosting them

you did nothing wrong
you are amazing
i just don’t want to be
in a relationship right now

i was the common denominator

fool me once - shame on you
fool me twice - shame on me
get broken up with for the same reason
four times - it’s a ******* pattern

how do I explain to someone new
that I am running out of pieces
of myself to give away

that i’ve stopped saving phone numbers in my phone until somebody proves
that they’re going to stay

that I don’t even know how to talk about myself
because the things that
make me - me
were the reasons
why everyone else left

that i haven’t figured out
what I’m doing wrong
and my track record
makes me not want to try

how do you tell someone new...
that you already know
they aren’t going to stay

you arrived just as i was about to give up

with you, from the start, everything was different.

to say i fell was an understatement
dropping down far beyond all the previous hurt
a level i always knew existed
but never quite knew how to get there

but now, here i am - and the door is cracked open
when i peak through everything seems cloudy

i can see all of the ways this can go wrong
i can see all of the ways this can go right

I'm Terrified.
That one day you'll wake up
and want someone else

But i need you to know that as scared as i am to get hurt.
I'm All In.
You Have My Entire Heart.
The Good.
The Bad.
The Stressed.
The Anxiety.
I Want It All.

To put it simply,
to you I will always be true
because, Darling, I think I am
falling in love
with you

I want to climb every step
to the rooftop
of the tallest building
i can find - and shout
"YOU DO NOT DEFINE ME!"

I want to laugh in the face
of the chemicals in my brain
whose job everyday
is to convince me
that i am
unbalanced.

I want to stand tall
and continue living my life
in plain view of the
people who tried
to keep me down.

For every 1 moment that I feel better
There are 15 more where my
hands shake for no reason
or I get so overwhelmed
that I literally force quit
my existence
Forcefully shut off my brain
continue to find peace in the chaos.

I climb the steps to reach the top
to yell from the roof tops
But for every day that passes
2 floors are added to the top

Bloodline Meds are
The pills you need to take everyday
Like clock work
To continue to feel like yourself.

Sometimes you forget
but
somehow, you feel completely unchanged
you feel normal
your think you’ve finally beat it,

no longer a prisoner
no longer held captive by a specific milligram of
assorted medication

It’ll start slowly,
then it will hit you
like a ton of bricks.

cold sweats, aches, chills, nausea
feeling on the brink of death.

When you take bloodline meds
you have to decide
stay captive or go through withdrawal

Either option
you still lose a piece of
Yourself

I am exhausted
to the point that my short term memory is fading
and I can't remember what i've done yesterday
I'll lose my train of thought as I am speaking
and have no recollection of  the topic of conversation.

I am physically exhausted
to the point of blurred vision
hoping no one has noticed my tremor is back

I am mentally exhausted
to the point that my anxiety will not subside
and no matter how hard my body is pleading with my brain
i cannot fall asleep


exhaustion is overwhelming