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Sydney Jan 2021
Why do i feel like the thought of you is holding me down
like the weight of anchors in the sea

and you jumped ship and moved right along

but you've left me drowning beneath the surface
Sydney Jan 2021
1 year and 9 months since we ended.
1 year and 2 months since I told you to stop calling.
9 months since I last scanned every parking lot for your car, hoping we weren't in the same place.
6 months since I was able to say your name and be okay.
4 months since I started doing things that we used to do together.
3 months since I finally started feeling like myself again.
1 month since I truly moved on.
1 hour since I ran into you in public with her, for the first time.
30 minutes since I realized that you were doing okay, but maybe I was not.
15 minutes since I felt regression.
5 minutes since I figured out how much time I felt was lost.
2 minutes since I've learned that everything is going to be okay.
1 minute since I've accepted that only time will tell.
Sydney Jan 2021
I saw you.
evening wearing a mask
i remember every detail of your face.
and when our eyes met -
we both reacted in the same way
say nothing-- immediately walk in a different direction
because in our worlds
the other
no longer
exists.
Sydney Dec 2020
Humans are merely puzzles
comprised of 1000+ pieces that are hidden
sometimes right in plain sight.

never-the-less each piece is harder to find
then those that came before it.

We think it will be easy.
Simple.
Construct the edges - the unchangings
everything that we have no control of.

that right there though, sets us up for failure.
because the center is ever changing.
We are never able to see the end goal clearly.

So - we guess.
and hope for our sanity's sake each piece that we choose fits.
And sometimes they don't fit quite right.
so we make it fit.
whether that piece truly belongs there or not.

However, when putting together an actual puzzle
we are competent enough to understand that if a piece does not fit - it does not belong there, and we move on.
unfazed, unattached, focused on completing the picture.

Why.
time after time
do we try to force unfitting pieces into our puzzles
no amount of wanting will ever make that piece fit.

Yet, we stay committed, we stay attached
hoping that maybe the shape of that piece might change while we aren't looking.

But as always -
the right piece will be found when it is not being sought after.
After we've tried so many pieces that we are sure this puzzle is missing a few.

But there it will be
stuck in the bottom of the box
like a sunflower in New York City
they are a rare find
something that doesn't seem to belong
but oddly just makes sense.
And that might be the piece you've been looking for
all along
Sydney Dec 2020
make it stop
the panic that something is wrong
that something is ending
the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy

I can be better
I want to be better
I need to throw up
Sydney Dec 2020
Learning to let go is hard
releasing the grip
relaxing the hands

Completely filling the lungs
for the first time.

Life is allowed to be messy.
It's okay to not be okay.

Enjoy the chaos
breathe deep
let go
Sydney Dec 2020
I'm sorry
my brain never tires
I'm sorry
my thoughts always race
I'm sorry
I feel I'm not good enough
I'm sorry
I care more than I let on
I'm sorry
I feel so connected to you and I don't want to let go
I'm sorry
My mind twists a good thing - constantly finding problems that don't exist
I'm sorry
I question your feelings about me
I'm sorry
for feeling sorry
But I don't
Know how
else to feel.
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