Maybe it's the feeling that I could tell you everything.
Maybe it's fact that I could make a total fool of myself,
But not dwell on it because I know that you'll still love me.
Maybe it's because I've never felt like this before and that I have no fear of you hurting me.
Maybe it's the fact that I no longer believe that I am a tough person to love because you make it look so easy.
Maybe it's much simpler than that.
Maybe it's more complicated than this.
Maybe all it is, is you.

Maybe it's the way you look at me,
Maybe it's the way you hold me,
Maybe it's the way you care for me,
Maybe it's the way you talk to me,
Maybe it's the way you understand me,
Maybe it's the way we joke around,
Maybe it's the way we love,
Maybe all it is
Is you.

I'm sitting on the floor
The cold tile floor is the only thing that's keeping me grounded.
Flashbacks start.

I remember you being mad at me and throwing a knife at me.
I remember you being drunk and throwing the beer bottle at me.
I remember when I made a mistake you yelled at me saying
"There is no such thing as mistakes!"
You screamed at me until there were tears coming down.
I remember you said
"It's okay if you did. Confess now I PROMISE I won't be mad"
And when I confessed you got mad and threw me to the ground.
If you wonder why I don't trust people, that's why.

I hear banging on the door.
The flashbacks stop.
I'm back on the floor of the bathroom.
Hands cold.
Heart numb.
Tears dripping down the side of my face.

Imagine you're on a rollercoaster going up.
That's life.
But then you start to feel the roller coaster shift downwards
And you're trying to hold on that last bit of hope
Before everything starts crashing down.

When I was in my second relationship

I missed the feeling of being me
I missed the nights where I didn't have to worry about anyone except me
I missed the days where I could just isolate myself and read
I missed when I didn't have to be dependant on someone
I missed when I didn't have to tell anyone anything
I missed those moments

I started to lose hope in finding love

But you came around

I started to like the way you made me feel
I started to like feeling wanted
I started to like being with someone
I started to like telling you things
I started to like nights where we would just talk about our problems
I started to like the fact that I didn't have to be alone

And then I realized I was starting to fall in love

All it takes is one mistake and you're done for

It is a cool Autumn morning. The sun is shinning brightly down through the cracks between the trees. The colour of the leaves at the top are starting to change colour. I walk down a narrow trail, absorbing the beauty of nature. Lately, I've been caught up with work and haven't had the time to go for a walk, but I finally let go of work for an hour. The sound of snapping twigs and crackling leaves can be heard through every step. Birds glide from one tree to another. Squirrels are gathering supplies for the winter. Geese can be heard in flocks as they head down south for the winter. The sound of rustling trees as the breeze flows through. A feeling that I haven't felt in a while resurfaces, and finally it feels as though time has stopped. I didn't worry about my work or stress out about family problems. I just enjoyed the moment I was given. It is moments like these that give me hope.

I was walking around Dylan's candy bar. I turned around suddenly and bumped into you. "I'm so sorry!" I said. You laughed and said "It's okay." I stared into your deep blue eyes. "Hi" you said, "Hello" I replied, "My name's Evan. I like your ring." I smiled, "Thank you. My name's Barker." "Are you new around here?" you asked while raising an eyebrow. "No actually, I was here 5 years ago." "Oh ****. Where are you from?" "Ottawa, Canada. You?" "Born and raised here in New York City. It's the only place I've ever known." You said with a smile. You shifted your weight. You seemed nervous. "I know we just met and this might sound crazy, but I was wondering if you would like to go out with me?" you said and I smiled and replied, "I would love to." We walked down and you showed me around New York City. We stopped at an arcade and we played a couple of games. We then continued roaming around. You brought me to a carnival just outside New Yor City. We went on the Ferris wheel and we held hands. We talked about our lives and things that were going on. When we reached the top you put your arm around me and when it was time for me to go you asked me for my number. I gave you my number and we started to text. When I went back home ou called me almost every night. One night we were talking you were walking on 3rd avenue. You made a joke and I was laughing. There was a sudden screech and a sound of a car hitting into something. I heard screams and shouting. People were yelling for someone to call 9-1-1. "Evan? Evan, what's happening?" I asked. You didn't respond. Someone picked up the phone and said "Hello? What is your relationship with this man?". A knot formed in my stomach.  "I'm his best friend." I replied, "Do you know what his name is? Where he lives? What his parents' number is?" I responded and told them your name, where you lived and your parents' number. "What happened?" I asked, "I'm sorry to say this, but your friend was struck by a car." My heart sunk. The person talked to me for a bit, trying his best to comfort me. The ambulance arrived first followed by the police. The person handed me over to the police. The police officer took the phone, "Hello, I heard that you were Evan's friend. I'm sorry to inform you, but he died." I was heartbroken. you were and still are my best friend and I miss you so much. I wish you were still here. I am staying strong. I hope heaven is treating you well. I love you.

My mom was my mentor.
She helped me with my problems.
Although I stopped telling her my problems.
Because I was embarrassed and scared that I would disappoint her.
And so I act strong around the house.
But everywhere else
I always slouch
Because whenever I'm at home
It feels although I carried the weight of the world

I am at home.
And then the memory starts.

I remember you,
Your smile,
Your laugh,
Your eyes,
Your scars,
Your voice.

I miss you

I want to cuddle you
I want to tell you how much you mean to me
I want to kiss you and tell you how much I love you

And that makes me miss you even more

We forget that when we are lonely we are never really alone
Sometimes you just have to look deeper to find it. We are never alone.
There will always be someone out there
Going through the same thing
Dealing with similar things
Feeling the same emotions

Learning your mom might die is one of the hardest things in life.

We all take time and love for granted

One by one they disappear
No one seems to notice
If they were to reappear
Would you
Notice?

I can't stop staring at those ocean eyes.
Burning cities, ****** skies.
Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes.

I can't stop thinking about your diamond mind.
Careful creature, Made friends with time
She left them lonely in her diamond mind.

Outsiders are the ones with the most brilliance

The pain I feel
Is not the pain you get from physical injuries

The pain I feel
Is the pain that comes from within

It is the kind of pain that can destroy you
It is the emotional pain that turns physical

It is the beginning and the end
It is the in between

It lingers during the day
And is full blown at night

That is the kind of pain
That I feel

You replaced all the butterflies in my stomach with wasps,
And now every time I think of you,
I get stung

I see you standing there
I can see the pain masked by a smile
I can see how broken you are

I want to help you
I want to make you feel wanted
I want to make you happy

But I don't know how
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to act

I wish I could help you
I want to help you
I can help you

I've been through this
I know how this works
I know how I got through this

Maybe I can heal those scars on your wrist
I just want you to open up
I need you to open up

I know that it is hard
I understand what this means
I might not understand completely

I can try to understand
I will understand
I just need you to trust me

Please
Let Me
Help You

Don't
Shut Me
Out

You don’t get a say in whether you’ll be hurt in love,
But you do have a say in who will hurt you.
So, darling, hurt me.

It's 2 o'clock
I sit on my bed
Tears dripping down my face
I wait for you

My ears catch every sound
I'm shaking
I wait for you

Hold me
Whisper to me that everything will be okay
It's 2 o'clock
I'm waiting for you

My gender
My ****** orientation
My disability
My problems
My colour of skin
My size
My voice
My place of origin
My clothes
My religion
My past
My mistakes
My label
Shouldn't be the determination of how you treat me

We sit, backs to each other.
We are a mirror representation of each other,
Yet we are nothing alike.
Still, it is hard to distinguish one from the other.
A still framed image of a certain time and place.
Some may call me history,
Others,
Art.

There's something moving and poetic about pictures.
Not necessarily a clear staged picture,
But one that you took without everyone noticing

A piece of my heart is gone.
You carry it around with you
And only when you are with me
Do I feel whole again.

Just breathe. You're okay. I'm here. Come back. It's over. You're okay. Wake up. You can do this. Just open your eyes. Come back to me. Please don't do this. Please wake up. I love you so much. Please come back to me. I can't do this without you. Please. Please. I'm begging you.

I’m insecure and so I question everything.
You’ve told me for the thousandth time that you love me,
But this feeling of doubt and insecurity still looms within me.
Voices tell me that you shouldn’t have doubts in a relationship
And that since I do have doubts I would be bette off alone.
So I always end the relationship early,
Even if there was nothing wrong or the problem was fixable.
You see the voices they tell me things
And my body just reacts to what they say,
Which in turn leads me to do things I don’t want to.

I prayed to god
After you broke my heart.
I prayed for him to make the pain stop.
At first nothing happened.
I started to hate the pain.
I started to feel hopeless.
But one day I was able to get out of bed.
I was able to eat.
And suddenly the pain became manageable.
Until it was barely even there

I always thought I didn't have a purpose in life.
It wasn't until you called me because you couldn't deal with life
Did I finally understand my purpose.
When you were at your worst I made you smile and laugh
And everything suddenly makes sense