I never knew a breakup
could make me feel so free

like a weight was lifted
no more pressure to be perfect

but now I'm back to missing them

the same person I can never escape my feelings for

why is it always you?

the hardest thing
is being in a loving relationship,
while knowing
they're not the one

any day now it will be my time,
my time to shine,
to live,
to be happy,
to laugh,
to be happy to be alive.

any day now it will be my time.
a day where I can finally wake up content,
with my anxiety at bay.

any day now.

any day now.

it will stop any day now,

right?

I have been conditioned by toxic people previously in my life,
that I was not good enough because of my quiet nature,
because I would rather keep to myself than be in the limelight,
because I am introverted,
because I am not like other girls who 'crave attention' - but rather the opposite.

They made me believe no one would ever like or even date me,
that no one will ever love me because of my 'different and unusual personality'

They broke me,
ruined me.

But they will never know, as they go on to live their lives and leave me in the mud - as I live on hating myself.

I'm sorry that I constantly push you away, without an explanation at all,
I'm trying my best, but my trauma convinces me that you may hurt me.

My issues make me feel lonely, even when there are days when I am not.
I secretly crave attention and love, but will never admit to it because of my trust issues.

So instead, I make myself content within my loneliness and
       made the rain beating against my window on a winters night,
                                        my only friend.

recently I've been wanting to be left alone,
away from everyone,
away from everyone's stares,
their questioning looks,
their fake smiles and
fake conversations.

I just want to be left alone,
with no worries or anxiety,
with the sound of soft music playing through my phone
and the sound of rain beating against my window,
while I try to feel content with myself.

I will forever and always be known as the 'quiet girl',
the one that does not talk,
is too quiet for her own good,
and is considered weird.

"why don't you talk?" they ask,
"you're so emotionless, talk more."
"smile more."

your words hurt me, over and over again.
why will no one accept me for the way I am?
your very own words make me hate myself.

hate how quiet I am,
hate how I enjoy being in my own thoughts,
hate who I am as a person.

even when I try to talk more, you knock me down with your -
"wow, she's actually talking."
because being 'quiet' isn't cute nor hot to others.

I will forever and always be known as the "quiet girl"
and I  f e a r  that I will always hate myself for being quiet.

i fear of falling,
falling for the wrong person
that may end up shattering my heart.

although,

every time i look at you
i think
maybe falling wont be such a bad thing,
after all.