and you are every star in the sky to me.
it hurts that the whole world knows who you are,
because even though you're my whole world
i know i'll never be that important to
you again. i remember how i held
you and you held me and you whispered
sweet things that stopped me from
going to the darkest places of my mind.
you're my whole world- every single
star, every single ray of sunshine, and
every single blade of grass all adds up
to you, and it hurts because
every single person that knows your
name is part of the world,
and you're getting bigger and
i can't hold onto the way
you were my everything

i am addicted to my makeup,
because it makes me feel pretty.
i am also addicted to you,
but you make me feel ugly.
it bothers me that,
to everyone else,
my addiction to you
is the more logical of
the two.

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU
******* HATED ME
BUT REMEMBER THAT I
STAYED UP UNTIL
3AM TALKING TO YOU
ABOUT HOW MUCH I *******
LOVED YOU?
I ****** LOVED YOU,
AND I STILL ******* LOVE
YOU. MY HEART
IS BROKEN JUST LIKE
THE MIRROR I LIKE
TO BREAK WHEN I SEE
MYSELF AND I SHOULD'VE
******* KNOW THAT
YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME LIKE
I LOVED YOU AND I SHOULD'VE
LEARNED TO LOVE MYSELF
BEFORE I PUT ALL OF MY
HOPES AND DREAMS INTO YOU.
NOW I'M STAYING UP UNTIL
3AM AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME
I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
HOW TO LOVE MYSELF,
INSTEAD OF LOVE YOU
MORE THAN ANYTHING
BECAUSE I CAN'T *******
DO THAT ANYMORE.

you wore me down faster
than you wore down those
old combat boots you
found in your closet
(a relic of your dad's past
maybe, or maybe you
just hid them there
to create a mystery
behind them,
a mystery behind you.)

i remember the day we started talking
(i mean really talking,
when you looked into my
soul and i into yours)
and i never thought it would
get so close.
like i couldn't breathe without
knowing you were inches away.

you told me i helped you
breathe too but
then why did you leave like that?
why'd you leave me outside
cold in the dark
when you stayed inside
and forgot about me,
moving on to happier times
(yeah maybe we didn't
always have the happiest
times but it was nice
to feel you next to me,
and you were alive next to me).

but now you're so far away
(it's funny, seconds ago you were
so close) and i'm finding it hard
to breathe again.
where are you?

it's kind of funny
that i fell in love with the idea of you
BUT SOMETIMES IDEAS
ARE SO FAR AWAY FROM THE TRUTH.
I EVEN HATE THE IDEA OF YOU NOW
AND IT'S KIND OF HARD TO HATE THAT.
YOU MADE ME HATE THE AIR AROUND ME
YOU MADE ME HATE MYSELF JUST
AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU.
YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS BECAUSE
YOU COULD AND NOW WHEN
YOU'VE TURNED ME INTO A MONSTER
INTO A CREATURE GASPING FOR AIR AND
SPITTING OUT BLOOD AT THE WORLD,
YOU WALK AWAY.
you are prince charming, but
only in fairytales is prince
charming actually charming.

you,
you are pathetic.
you think the world is a playground
and that i'm your toy.
YOU THINK I'M YOUR TOY
BUT I KNOW I'M NOT.
I AM A PERSON
A GOOD PERSON
A NICE PERSON
A PRETTY PERSON
I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME
THAT I'M 'HOT'
ONLY TO MAKE ME HAPPY
AND BELIEVE YOUR IDIOT LIES
"she kind of looks okay without glasses,
less makeup, and straight hair."
EXCUSE YOU? I LOOK GREAT WITH GLASSES,
MAKEUP AND CURLY HAIR.
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I AM
BETTER THAN YOU
AND I AM NOT YOUR TOY.
I WILL NEVER BE YOUR TOY AGAIN
AND I WILL BURN THE PHOTOGRAPHS
OF YOU IN THE SCHOOL YEARBOOK
BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE
TO BE REMEMBERED BY ME.

I felt the stars
but all they felt like your skin.

it would be exquisite to breathe in your air at this moment, but you're buried underground and I am the only one breathing.

you and me both know that sometimes when something's beautiful
you want to touch it, even if you start to burn up
the beauty of that if precious above everything
(remember that time I wanted to kiss you in the rain?
it's like that.)
people never understand me
and I think that's part of the reason
I'm almost too afraid of touching the beautiful thing
for the fear of the beautiful thing being disgusted
by the shade of my eyes as they look at something
so wonderful
it's like smiling when you're sad
why would you smile to hide your feelings?
your feelings are your everything and yet
no one wants to share them with the world
I don't either, but I want to hear everyone's feelings
I want to hold them and tell them that just because
their feelings are lying, discarded on the floor,
doesn't mean that they're like spilled paint
that dries on the art room floor until years later
the janitor ventures in and frees
those hopes and dreams that died right there, on the floor.
I don't want to be spilled paint,
even though I'm already there
the only reason the artist keeps me around is too
comfort those aching paintbrushes and to
make sure they keep themselves neat and orderly.
You can't have paintbrushes having breakdowns when you're an artist, can you?
only paint can calm the paintbrush but why
would you make a paintbrush continue the same
miserable way if the paintbrushes only wanted
to paint in black and white
and I am a dark blue,
as dark as the ocean, but not like the ocean.
i want to be like the ocean.
too beautiful to touch, but touching everything.
how are you like the ocean?
I want to know how to be like the ocean
which has strength to go on everyday
breathing air into someone's lungs who hasn't breathed
by themselves in years.
everyone needs to breath sometimes,
so keep breathing darling
in and out is the constant cycle of the ocean,
and your breathing.
maybe it's not the ocean I want to be like,
i just want to be beautifully dangerous to hold you
at 5 am when you're breaking down and I don't know
what to do.
when you can't breathe those beautiful breathes
I want to be strong enough to pump the life back into you
I'll work through the night pushing you to live, for me
but then I'll wake up in the morning and realize
that you were never there in the first place.
just wisps of my wishful imagination floating through
the night sky.
anything can happen during the night air,
including finding a beautiful dangerous ocean to love.
perhaps one day I will wake up and
the beautiful ocean struggling to breathe won't be
a strike of imagination and you'll actually be there next to me.
but for now I'll be wasted paint on the floor.
if I can't have an ocean to love, I will be wasted paint
to help the paintbrushes paint a beautiful photograph of dangerous
oceans with beautiful, crashing waves.
I hope that they will all remember it when the world has
faded into dust and the only thing left is that
picture burning a whole in their minds and they, too
slowly fade into dust.

your words tore my skin apart
which was stupid because my
skin was supposed to be like
iron, and no blade could
break it, but i guess you
twisted your way through
and tore my skin apart with
your ******* stupid words
that will mean nothing tomorrow,
even though they
mean everything today.

your thoughts don't even fill the universe when you
think about it. they float about looking for someone
to cure their loneliness while they try to be heard.
but what if no one hears them?
what if they float out there forever reaching
empty heads and empty hearts and exploding
into stars.
what if those unspoken words are those
stars you look at every night, and what if
they're slowly killing you like you're slowly
killing me. Your unspoken thoughts are stars
that explode and travel in the universe,
but your spoken words fly through the earth
threatening everyone. They fill the sky
and turn it blue, making everyone gasp
in awe. It's important to have
your thoughts heard but sometimes it's
nice to see the stars from so far away,
and it's so hard to choose.

i.** I need you to survive,  I tried to breathe air in the sky, but my lungs only receive it when your eyes fill them up with air. Then, I can breathe again. The functions of my body begin to work, like gears in the clock I used to love (before you told me you hated it, then I forgot all about it). My eyes don’t fill up with water unless you pour buckets from the ocean into them. (my eyes sting but I’ve forgotten the pain, if that is the only way to survive with you by my side). And I cannot eat until your fingernails have broken, by the way you dig into the sand with a beach shovel, because that is the only way you know how to feed me.

ii.I cannot live with you by my side (it is impossible to have you anywhere near). When you help me breathe, my heart stops (but not in a good way, the kind that signals a bomb going off). It’s hard to walk alongside you while my heart wants to beat to the beat of a clock that you despise. That clock used to be the thing keeping me living, but now it is you. You are also the reason I am slowly dying. My mind is starting to fade, so I only remember you and the way you dig in the sand (and even though I hate the beach, I’ve forgotten that too). My fingernails are chipping as I scrape the paint of the wall of my bedroom, to make it beautiful for you to enjoy. I am slowly dying because you, because of the reason that I am surviving. (I’d try to get out, but either way I die, and I’d rather die with you holding my hand then you taking the air away from my lungs).

iii. I do not matter to you at all. I am not the air in your lungs or the force that is slowly killing you. To you, I am just another summer day to enjoy, but forget the next day. You wouldn’t even let me breathe if my best friend did not call everyday to remind you (even fake people care about me more than you ever will.) I cannot live without you though, and you have made sure of that. You have taken away my clock, that beautiful clock that helped me move without pain. You have pushed away all my friends, and my enemies (I shall miss my enemies more though, they were beautiful wars we fought each other at). Perhaps it does not even matter that I mean nothing to you, because I will easily slip out of bed one day to hide in the cracks on the wall, and I doubt that you will even notice.

iv. You told me you didn’t care, so why did you lie? why did you lie through your skin and bones to the edges of my heart, until I had no choice but to climb to the top of the clock. That clock that you took away from me, but I still carried with me even in the ocean (it was the only thing I had besides the memories of you that pushed away even the thought of breathing). “tick tock” you have made this sound a million times, yet you have lied through your teeth that you hated this clock. it’s kind of odd, but I have no time to do anything because your enemies have confronted you, and you are pushed up against the wall. (you told me your enemies were fake, but I know they are real, because they have skin, and a beating heart. they even remember how to breathe sometimes).

v. oh. it all makes sense now. You are the clock. I am the air surrounding you, giving you mystery, and that is why I am still here. That is why you even care enough to listen when they tell you I need to breathe, or to scrap yourself trying to feed me. That is why you have told me you despise the clock, because you are the clock, and you despise yourself most of all. “Tick tock” it’s almost night, and you are afraid of the shadows. Your enemies lurk in the shadows, and you cry in the shadows. You're the clock and you will feed me, but will forget to help me breathe unless you are reminded, because you are busy hiding from the shadows that scare you, and you are busy showing the world when the shadows will appear. I wish I could mean more to you (I wish I could be the hand that strikes every hour) but that will never be, so I will settle with holding your head as you cry in the shadows and tell me how much you despise that clock (we all have our demons and perhaps yours were never visible until I confronted mine).

sometimes for a minute I forget that I don't exist in your mind
you're the one that keeps me breathing when I'm pushed into the ocean
and yet you don't even realize that you're the air in my lungs when I
struggle to move through the dark waters
but that's okay because I would rather have you hold me up and not know it
than not have you there to keep me from drowning

The moon showed me exactly what was inside of your soul
And I wondered if the stars showed you what was in mine,
if you could see me as I shattered, as I exploded into nothing but star
dust.
And then you asked me if it was alright if you
came closer, and fixed me, and I said- yes, just don't hurt me,
and you didn't. Piece by piece, you put me
together,
and your hands bled onto my skin, and we mixed together
as skin and breath,
because you understood me, you had once upon a shadow been
where
I
stood. At the ledge, almost falling
And now you were there again to rescue me.

you held me that night at the bridge
when all I wanted to do was fall,slowly, but not for you
i'd already fallen for you, and I didn't realize you cared.
but then you jumped out of the shadows,
grabbed my wrists, looked me in the eyes
and told me that I was worth more than what I was doing
as you pulled me away from the bridge you reminded
me that I was beautiful (you reminded me of this
many times with your musical voice, I just forget
each time because you've put me together so many times)

I thought it was funny, how you could save me but i couldn't help
You, i found it comical that maybe I hadn't even
said my first words or
Walked towards the light,
when you were struggling like i was
Now, and when my laughter broke the humid night air,
You were confused, so i laughed harder and pointed at the ledge
That you pulled me back from and said
'That's why i wanted to fall- because you keep saving
Me, and i cannot save you, you might not need saving but i am
Weak, worthless, useless, i am done'
And i sprinted towards oblivion but you still held me and
No matter how many times i screamed and hit you
You would not let go.

you amaze me that way.
why would you hold someone so broken
that she wants to drop off the end of oblivion
never to be seen again by anyone breathing
(or anyone who has ever breathed, if I had gotten my way)
you held me so tight that the only person I could harm
was you
why would you do that? why would you
let me hurt you just so I could not hurt myself
so I could not rip myself into millions of pieces
you've pulled me back from the edge of the world
where I would've fallen if you hadn't pulled me back
with your gentle hands dragging me away from where I stood
grabbing my arms and keeping me there
so instead of falling off the bridge I fell for you.

I slid to the ground, and your arms
Were
Still
Around
Me,
and your breath still held because you cared
and you wanted me to be alright,
or at least alive
and thanks to you,
I was.

you wear a band aid over a paper cut,
and then laugh when you hear that this
country was built on blood.
and now the blood is overflowing onto
the streets,
but the people have had enough.
while they're out there trying
to stop their kids from drowning
in blood,
you're in here laughing, and
spewing some philosophical ****
about how violence isn't the answer.
but please come talk to me
when our children are dying in
the streets (but they won't.
me and you both know that so
just accept that this is wrong
and that the world is like an immune system.
it gets rid of the things that
make it sick.)
you and your oppressive arguments
make me sick so go look
outside,
go look at the people drowning in
blood and tell me
why you need that band aid for your
paper cut.

stop.
put that ******* alcohol down
i just want to look into your eyes
without seeing the ghost of your
past trying to drown itself,
because this isn't an ocean, and
i'm not an angel.

i don't understand why the
sky is still lit up,
it's 12 o'clock and the sun
should be asleep but you're crying
and i'm shaking and we're a mess
on the floor.

you're not really broken you're
just pretending.  you
don't even know how to breathe
without an official diagnosis,
but you're not broken and you
have to stop hiding.

you know i love you,
but you're hiding and you
know how much i hate it
when we play hide and seek.

now it's 1am, and the sun's about
to come out (who knows why).
the dog next door is barking,
he must have heard your echoing
sobs and felt the emotion radiating
from our house.

but i can't stay awake for another
second so you have to let go,
and you have to help yourself
because i can't even handle
putting the coffee on in the morning.

maybe in the morning you'll be
stronger, and maybe you won't
but either way we can still do this,
i still want
to hold
you.

it's weird that you and I
are the ones that don't question
how you can be a superhero
if you don't wear a cape.
you understand how you have
power to breathe air into me
and you have the power to take
my breath away.
you probably mean more to be
than the sun
and that's probably so
wrong but then again
loving you was always wrong,
wasn't it?
just because you don't wear
a cape doesn't mean you're not
a superhero and just because
loving you is wrong doesn't
mean i'll stop doing it.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF HOW WHAT YOU JUST DID AFFECTS THE REST OF US?
no, of course you don't. if you have your daily dose of tequila, then you wouldn't notice if the world shattered (like the pottery you broke that time you got angry at your bandmates). you'd just pop in your headphones and keep on listening to your 'punk rock' music while the rest of us feared for our lives.
SO LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED AND HOW THE REST OF US ARE AFFECTED BY YOUR IDIOTIC ACTIONS
you left your brothers lying in a ditch (but then again, they always cared more than you anyways, didn't they?). AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN CARE THAT AS YOU DISCARDED THEM YOU ALSO DISCARDED OUR HEARTS AFTER YOU RIPPED OUR SOULS FROM THEIR SOCKETS. YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET US HELP YOUR BROTHERS UP BEFORE YOU PUT THE BLAME ON THEM AND MOVED ON WITH YOUR LIFE. YOU TRIED TO PAY US OFF WITH PROMISES OF BETTER DAYS, BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME OR MONEY TO WASTE ON YOU ANYMORE. YOU LEFT YOUR BROTHERS IN A DITCH AND GOT ANGRY WHEN THEY TURNED OUT OKAY. IF YOU'RE UPSET BECAUSE THEY SEEM LIKE THEY'RE DOING FINE WITHOUT YOU, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT THEM TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LIED TO US AS WE HUGGED YOU AND TOLD YOU HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LIED AS WE GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR YOU (BECAUSE WE TRUSTED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING). YOU DISCARDED US WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR BROTHERS IN A DITCH. STOP THINKING THAT YOU CAN START RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT OFF BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. YOU CAN'T COME BACK WITHOUT YOUR BROTHERS AND TELL US YOU'RE GOING TO DO GREAT THINGS BECAUSE ONCE YOU TOLD US FOREVER, AND YOU BROKE FOREVER. REMEMBER WHEN I READ YOU A BOOK ABOUT LOVE? IT WAS YOUR FAVORITE BECAUSE IT TALKED ABOUT INFINITY AND YOU THOUGH THAT IT WOULD BE YOU, BUT THAT WAS A ****** BOOK ANYWAYS, AND YOU ARE A ****** EXCUSE FOR A HERO.