YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU
******* HATED ME
BUT REMEMBER THAT I
STAYED UP UNTIL
3AM TALKING TO YOU
ABOUT HOW MUCH I *******
LOVED YOU?
I ****** LOVED YOU,
AND I STILL ******* LOVE
YOU. MY HEART
IS BROKEN JUST LIKE
THE MIRROR I LIKE
TO BREAK WHEN I SEE
MYSELF AND I SHOULD'VE
******* KNOW THAT
YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME LIKE
I LOVED YOU AND I SHOULD'VE
LEARNED TO LOVE MYSELF
BEFORE I PUT ALL OF MY
HOPES AND DREAMS INTO YOU.
NOW I'M STAYING UP UNTIL
3AM AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME
I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
HOW TO LOVE MYSELF,
INSTEAD OF LOVE YOU
MORE THAN ANYTHING
BECAUSE I CAN'T *******
DO THAT ANYMORE.

you,
you are pathetic.
you think the world is a playground
and that i'm your toy.
YOU THINK I'M YOUR TOY
BUT I KNOW I'M NOT.
I AM A PERSON
A GOOD PERSON
A NICE PERSON
A PRETTY PERSON
I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME
THAT I'M 'HOT'
ONLY TO MAKE ME HAPPY
AND BELIEVE YOUR IDIOT LIES
"she kind of looks okay without glasses,
less makeup, and straight hair."
EXCUSE YOU? I LOOK GREAT WITH GLASSES,
MAKEUP AND CURLY HAIR.
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I AM
BETTER THAN YOU
AND I AM NOT YOUR TOY.
I WILL NEVER BE YOUR TOY AGAIN
AND I WILL BURN THE PHOTOGRAPHS
OF YOU IN THE SCHOOL YEARBOOK
BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE
TO BE REMEMBERED BY ME.

I. you don't even know who you are yet, but you still have to stand on top of buildings and scream what you stand for. people won't hear your values unless you write it on their skin and tattoo it into their minds, so that’s what you’ll do.

II. you aren't vain or stupid for idolizing singers with blonde hair and blue eyes, because they look like you, and yet they’re strong and beautiful. it’s okay when you connect to their music then you connect to your favorite boy band. they’ll teach you how your resident ******* means nothing compared to you. they’ll teach you how to winged eyeliner, and how to put your hair in a messy bun. they’ll teach you a new love for songwriting and you’ll probably want to start playing guitar, but the biggest thing is that you relate to them and they give you confidence.

III. wear your ******* choker and straighten your hair (or leave it wavy if you’d rather). wear your dark eyeliner and cover your eyelashes with mascara. if you want to wear blue knee high socks, please do. keep your hipster shoes untied if you want. ignore the ******* who thinks you look nice but not in the right way, and go buy that dark lipstick you've been wanting for weeks.

IV. don’t trust the people that tell you Taylor Swift has too many boyfriends, and that Beyonce dances too ******. they are the people that will criticize you for wearing a crop top and ripped jeans. they’ll pull you out of math class to change out of your short shorts, and you’ll be forced to watch as the boys you were ‘distracting’ succeed in class while you’re crying in the middle of the night trying to catch up.

V. take more pictures of the scenery. those pink clouds you thought were pretty deserve to be photographed, so do it. they won’t always be around and you have to follow your instincts sometimes.  stop taking so many pictures at concerts. they don’t really mean anything to you, and it’s more important to listen to the music that helps you breathe. cry when they sing your favorite song, and feel your dreams expanding as you watch.

VI. please take care of yourself. when you need help, ask for help, or everything will spiral out of control too quickly. get enough sleep and stick up for yourself when you’re being pushed down. stop caring what other people think, because you’re really the only one that matters. when you’re sad go do what makes you happy, because even if it doesn't make you grin from ear to ear it will help. always remember to love yourself before you let someone else love you.

i want to write a poem
and list all the things that haven't broken
in your world
not everything has fallen apart into
those pieces you see all the time
not everything is all tears and blood and heartbreak
because there is so much more
hiding under the surface, that you
are trying not to see
why aren't you trying to see it?
all the smiles and laughter and words
that we shared
what about that time we stayed up until 3 am talking about
that book you like
the one I don't even like
or understand
but 3am is the time to listen to happy things
not the sad things about death and the tears you have
so stop thinking about that at 3am
spend those thoughts in broad daylight
because things will always look better
with drops of sunlight falling on them instead of
tear drops
stop dropping tears on the things that are
already sad enough
you have enough sadness so stop
focusing on the things that make you upset
and focus on the laughs you had
and the smiles you got from a walk through your life
and the happiness that we shared all the time
or do you not remember that?
do you know remember how I laughed with you
how I laughed even though your jokes weren't funny
and no one else was laughing except for me and you
doesn't that mean anything
to you?
don't you remember how I held you through the dark times
and told you that it's okay to be sad
everyone is
but no,
you don't remember how I told you everyone was sad sometimes
you think you're the only one who has darkness inside them
to you everyone else
is just enjoying the sunshine
while you are crying at 3am
what world are you living in?
everyone cries at 3am
they can't help it
the world is so warped and twisted around them that
they try to grin at 3am and laugh along with
the rest of the day
but no one does
all that comes out is tears
tears that aren't fake no matter how much you think
everyone cries at 3am
they cry in their sleep
they cry tears huddled up in bed
they cry on the bridge as they try to end it
they cry as they get the call "it's over. I don't love you"
they cry as their beloved pet fish slowly sinks down into it's tank
they cry as they realize that you don't know that
they cry too.
they cry tears of blood sometimes
or just tears of water that they haven't drank in a month
not everyone shows how they broken they are you know
some bottle it up and try to enjoy the sunlight
but the problem is that then it all comes out at 3am
when there is no light to shine on their problems
there's only darkness to show them what they think
they think they're all alone and that no one cares
enough to check up on them, hiding in the dark
but you can do it all better
you can push past the urges at 3am
and smile instead of cry because
you can do it for them
dive deep under the ocean your tears have formed because
not everyone has to cry at 3am
you can make it.

your lips are coated in poison
(full of death)
but mine are coated in lipgloss
(full of death).
He'd rather choose the poison
then fall prey to a girl
with cherry lipstick
and a pretty face
pulling him in and never
letting him
out.

The little kids we used to be,
still play like the kids we were,
but now it’s graveyards instead of a playground.
Instead of dress-up costumes,
it’s makeup lathered to our faces,
we must be like those perfect pictures in magazines.
We play boyfriends and girlfriends instead of hopscotch,
anorexia instead of basketball.
Instead of storybooks, it’s facebook posts telling us
we don’t deserve to live.
We used to wear those colorful sillybandz,
and trade them with each other,
but now it’s scars from a razor
we wish we could take off.
It was always begging for seconds of ice cream,
but now it’s sneaking away to throw up the
little amount of food they make you eat.
Instead of staring at a summer campfire
waiting to roast marshmallows,
we stare at the fire waiting to burn ourselves.
Instead of angry first graders getting into a fistfight,
the anger now directs the punch to ourselves.
We used to sneak Halloween candy,
trying to stuff ourselves,
but now you sneak pills,
trying to overdose and hoping for death.
We used to play so freely,
we thought it’d always be like that.
But now we run among graveyards,
the bones of the ones we left behind
clutter the passages.
And we’re still children playing games
with the worlds, but the stakes are higher,
we wonder if we’ll make it.
It’s just a roll of the dice on this graveyard
playground.

You used to talk about how
much you needed coffee to
keep you awake in English class.
so you could pay attention
(but you were always texting
me in English class so it didn't do
you that much good.
i think you just liked the
way the teacher glared
at you when you drank it in class.)

one time they told me you ran away,
but you left your computer at home,
so i knew you'd come back.
((you were stuck in the forest for 36 hours
and for 36 hours i could barely breathe.)

you acted like you were saving me,
but i don't even need saving
i just need you to *******.

one time you drank *****,
just so you could taste it,
and you hated it.
but now you're back and
you're pretending,
you're pretending that you
actually buy your coffee
(instead of grab it at starbucks
when the barista isn't looking).
you're pretending that you've
never been in the woods and
when someone offers you *****
you gulp it right away.

it doesn't matter that you're
pretending because you're still
trying to be above everyone
and im so ******* done with you.

i.** I need you to survive,  I tried to breathe air in the sky, but my lungs only receive it when your eyes fill them up with air. Then, I can breathe again. The functions of my body begin to work, like gears in the clock I used to love (before you told me you hated it, then I forgot all about it). My eyes don’t fill up with water unless you pour buckets from the ocean into them. (my eyes sting but I’ve forgotten the pain, if that is the only way to survive with you by my side). And I cannot eat until your fingernails have broken, by the way you dig into the sand with a beach shovel, because that is the only way you know how to feed me.

ii.I cannot live with you by my side (it is impossible to have you anywhere near). When you help me breathe, my heart stops (but not in a good way, the kind that signals a bomb going off). It’s hard to walk alongside you while my heart wants to beat to the beat of a clock that you despise. That clock used to be the thing keeping me living, but now it is you. You are also the reason I am slowly dying. My mind is starting to fade, so I only remember you and the way you dig in the sand (and even though I hate the beach, I’ve forgotten that too). My fingernails are chipping as I scrape the paint of the wall of my bedroom, to make it beautiful for you to enjoy. I am slowly dying because you, because of the reason that I am surviving. (I’d try to get out, but either way I die, and I’d rather die with you holding my hand then you taking the air away from my lungs).

iii. I do not matter to you at all. I am not the air in your lungs or the force that is slowly killing you. To you, I am just another summer day to enjoy, but forget the next day. You wouldn’t even let me breathe if my best friend did not call everyday to remind you (even fake people care about me more than you ever will.) I cannot live without you though, and you have made sure of that. You have taken away my clock, that beautiful clock that helped me move without pain. You have pushed away all my friends, and my enemies (I shall miss my enemies more though, they were beautiful wars we fought each other at). Perhaps it does not even matter that I mean nothing to you, because I will easily slip out of bed one day to hide in the cracks on the wall, and I doubt that you will even notice.

iv. You told me you didn’t care, so why did you lie? why did you lie through your skin and bones to the edges of my heart, until I had no choice but to climb to the top of the clock. That clock that you took away from me, but I still carried with me even in the ocean (it was the only thing I had besides the memories of you that pushed away even the thought of breathing). “tick tock” you have made this sound a million times, yet you have lied through your teeth that you hated this clock. it’s kind of odd, but I have no time to do anything because your enemies have confronted you, and you are pushed up against the wall. (you told me your enemies were fake, but I know they are real, because they have skin, and a beating heart. they even remember how to breathe sometimes).

v. oh. it all makes sense now. You are the clock. I am the air surrounding you, giving you mystery, and that is why I am still here. That is why you even care enough to listen when they tell you I need to breathe, or to scrap yourself trying to feed me. That is why you have told me you despise the clock, because you are the clock, and you despise yourself most of all. “Tick tock” it’s almost night, and you are afraid of the shadows. Your enemies lurk in the shadows, and you cry in the shadows. You're the clock and you will feed me, but will forget to help me breathe unless you are reminded, because you are busy hiding from the shadows that scare you, and you are busy showing the world when the shadows will appear. I wish I could mean more to you (I wish I could be the hand that strikes every hour) but that will never be, so I will settle with holding your head as you cry in the shadows and tell me how much you despise that clock (we all have our demons and perhaps yours were never visible until I confronted mine).

the universe is spilling its secrets,
but you're not here to see it.
i guess you rubbed off on everyone
because i keep seeing you
everywhere.
there's a new song by your
favorite band, and you aren't
here to listen to it.
but i don't understand how it's not
about you, every single lyric
bleeds you just like every
single cloud in the sky
bleeds you.
so maybe the universe
is spilling all it's secrets
but i don't want to know
any of them unless it tells
me where you are.

we were in love,
but i didn't realize that you were
such a good liar and that i was so gullible.
i didn't realize that heartbreak and love
go hand in hand and that a boy like
you will always break my heart
the same way you broke that window
with your baseball in third grade.
I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT YOU LIKE
GIRLS WHO DON'T TRY SO HARD TO
BE PERFECT

AND I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT YOU
NEVER REALLY LOVED ME EITHER
BECAUSE I WANTED SOMEONE TO LOVE
ME BEFORE I DIED AND YOU
VOLUNTEERED WILLINGLY
BUT IT WAS ALL A JOKE AND
I WAS THE PUNCHLINE.

it's weird that you and I
are the ones that don't question
how you can be a superhero
if you don't wear a cape.
you understand how you have
power to breathe air into me
and you have the power to take
my breath away.
you probably mean more to be
than the sun
and that's probably so
wrong but then again
loving you was always wrong,
wasn't it?
just because you don't wear
a cape doesn't mean you're not
a superhero and just because
loving you is wrong doesn't
mean i'll stop doing it.

People told me you were a smoker-
nothing but trouble,
and that you were left overs
from girls who had left because they were
scared
I didn't listen, I just wanted to kiss
away the nicotine, I got withdrawls without
being addicted, and our lips never met
because I kept shoving you away,
you kept reaching for the skin under my
'Fall Out Boy' t-shirt
And you told me that I made you hot,
and I just giggled and said you didn't
need me, you were the hottest guy I had ever seen
but I knew what you meant,
I could feel the desire on your breath
against my neck

you took me to a concert
with the music blaring in my ears, I could
barely hear what you said but I could see
the way your eyes moved and the way that my heart started to sink
when our eyes met
so our sweaty bodies pressed against eachother in time to the music
and I laughed when you sang those songs about love and heartbreak
staring at me, because I didn't realize (I never realized)
that I meant that much to you
(I thought it was always a joke, the way you needed me. I didn't
understand that the music spoke to you about me)

I asked you, still wearing the t-shirt (much to your dismay)
which Fall Out Boy song
could be ours, and as you stared
at the anchor (I asked you to lift your eyes but you wouldn't)
you chose Alone Together, or
was it The Phoenix, I couldn't remember,
but you said I was your phoenix,
and I laughed and compared you to Albus Dumbledore,
but inside I wasn't laughing, because there was
fiery desire in your finger tips,
and I wondered if I really would burst into flames
(or tears, but either way, would I come back to life?)
But I thought it was the coolest thing
that you thought I was **** (like Finn said to Rachel during their
prom king and queen dance)

but inside I stared at you the same way
watching my heart slowly crack because I was never as desirable
as pretty as she could be.
you deserved to be with somone like her,
someone who's body fits perfectly into yours
who would fit right into a magazine photoshoot right beside you
while I took the photographs of the perfect couple..
I put on my best clothes and dressed up hoping to look like sleeping beauty to you
but you laughed at me and asked why I looked so fancy
we were only watching Peter Pan, like we did every friday
(and I was Tinkerbell, because you were too blinded by someone else
to see me)

I remember that I asked you, on a Wednesday
(you pointed out my bracelet and told me it was **** Day,
and winked, and I shuddered inwardly)
why you left the last girl-
and you said because she was a princess
and I was a queen,
and I laughed and threw my arms around your neck
and we kissed and I tasted nicotine, your hands were cold
against my neck.
That was it. That was my wake up call.
I was nothing but a body to you,
my chest and rear were big,
larger than most,
so I shoved you away again, and then turned on my heel,
and said 'you are my ashes, and I have risen out of you',
and then I was gone on my Phoenix Wings.
But that was not the end of it,
because then I visited her, your ex,
and I told her what happened, and let myself cry a little,
and the two of us watched Peter Pan,
and I made a friend, because we had both dated Captain Hook.

it's just a band like you
are just a person.

you and me both know that sometimes when something's beautiful
you want to touch it, even if you start to burn up
the beauty of that if precious above everything
(remember that time I wanted to kiss you in the rain?
it's like that.)
people never understand me
and I think that's part of the reason
I'm almost too afraid of touching the beautiful thing
for the fear of the beautiful thing being disgusted
by the shade of my eyes as they look at something
so wonderful
it's like smiling when you're sad
why would you smile to hide your feelings?
your feelings are your everything and yet
no one wants to share them with the world
I don't either, but I want to hear everyone's feelings
I want to hold them and tell them that just because
their feelings are lying, discarded on the floor,
doesn't mean that they're like spilled paint
that dries on the art room floor until years later
the janitor ventures in and frees
those hopes and dreams that died right there, on the floor.
I don't want to be spilled paint,
even though I'm already there
the only reason the artist keeps me around is too
comfort those aching paintbrushes and to
make sure they keep themselves neat and orderly.
You can't have paintbrushes having breakdowns when you're an artist, can you?
only paint can calm the paintbrush but why
would you make a paintbrush continue the same
miserable way if the paintbrushes only wanted
to paint in black and white
and I am a dark blue,
as dark as the ocean, but not like the ocean.
i want to be like the ocean.
too beautiful to touch, but touching everything.
how are you like the ocean?
I want to know how to be like the ocean
which has strength to go on everyday
breathing air into someone's lungs who hasn't breathed
by themselves in years.
everyone needs to breath sometimes,
so keep breathing darling
in and out is the constant cycle of the ocean,
and your breathing.
maybe it's not the ocean I want to be like,
i just want to be beautifully dangerous to hold you
at 5 am when you're breaking down and I don't know
what to do.
when you can't breathe those beautiful breathes
I want to be strong enough to pump the life back into you
I'll work through the night pushing you to live, for me
but then I'll wake up in the morning and realize
that you were never there in the first place.
just wisps of my wishful imagination floating through
the night sky.
anything can happen during the night air,
including finding a beautiful dangerous ocean to love.
perhaps one day I will wake up and
the beautiful ocean struggling to breathe won't be
a strike of imagination and you'll actually be there next to me.
but for now I'll be wasted paint on the floor.
if I can't have an ocean to love, I will be wasted paint
to help the paintbrushes paint a beautiful photograph of dangerous
oceans with beautiful, crashing waves.
I hope that they will all remember it when the world has
faded into dust and the only thing left is that
picture burning a whole in their minds and they, too
slowly fade into dust.

you told me you were dead inside,
but when i lie next to you i can
still feel your pulse beating.

you're just a little girl,
lost among broken glass and
porcelain tears.
and today i found you
lying in broken glass.
your skin shone red
and you started to cry
when i picked you up.
you were only a little girl,
how did it get to this?
i don't understand how they
can beat you and bruise you
and leave you there to
hurt.
you're just a sweet little girl,
who loves folk music and
who used to smile every time
she talked to people.

you used to love glass.
the way it shined and the
way it reflected the real you.
but now the glass lies broken
at your feet and

you are the one that
broke it.
or are you the one
that's broken?

your thoughts don't even fill the universe when you
think about it. they float about looking for someone
to cure their loneliness while they try to be heard.
but what if no one hears them?
what if they float out there forever reaching
empty heads and empty hearts and exploding
into stars.
what if those unspoken words are those
stars you look at every night, and what if
they're slowly killing you like you're slowly
killing me. Your unspoken thoughts are stars
that explode and travel in the universe,
but your spoken words fly through the earth
threatening everyone. They fill the sky
and turn it blue, making everyone gasp
in awe. It's important to have
your thoughts heard but sometimes it's
nice to see the stars from so far away,
and it's so hard to choose.

stop comparing me to the sun,
i like the stars better,
stop texting me at 3 am,
i'm actually trying to get sleep now.
stop quoting that ****** song
i've already thrown away that CD.
stop trying to break your way
in through the cracks in my skin
and stop trying to push me back
into the ocean, it's the winter, and
you know i don't want to swim.
please stop talking to my friends
because they want to hear from you
even less.
you came into our lives and broke a
few hearts and smashed a few bowls.
i don't need to back to stop my breathing,
because everytime you start to talk
i start to shake, and
shaking leads to screaming at 4 am
when you've stopped texting already.
anyways, you can't see the sun at
3 am, only the stars,
so why are you trying to get
a sun tan then?

they told me I couldn't love you
not in the way one would expect
but from snide comments and laughter
the cruely of homophobic friends
not bad people, just confused about what's right

but all I wanted to do was hold you tight
and feel the echo of your bones as we stayed up all night again
in our rightful place together
I never thought it'd be them,
with their judgemental jokes and comments
I thought they would come to their senses
wouldn't they? They're my friends after all
they're not bad people
just confused and with their confusion
the words they produce burn souls and snap bones
they crush dreams and shove people into the dark

it's from the people I know best
the guardians of my own heart
and the keepers of every breath I breathe

but how can they guard and keep my breath
if they can't save my love?
All I need is you, to hold me tight
until my bones break and my tears
are full of blood and happiness

we can guard eachother's breaths until they
slowly run out floating into the lost souls eyes
and staying there forever,
while we lay there with our faces upwards,
a river of our love,
a river that runs red late into the night

the world is in revolution,
kids are dying on the streets
and there is screaming at all hours of the day.
your oppressive ways have got to go
because the world has finally took off
the 'cool and collected' mask that stated
everything bad happened "in the olden days".
each new thing is like another
****** plate broken after a breakup.
everything's adding fuel to the
fire and soon the whole world
be up in flames, and it's a real
revolution.

when i was younger they told me
all those things were cured.
they told me that war didn't really happen anymore,
and that people just didn't die for nothing,
and they told me that racism was a
thing of the past, it didn't leak into
everyday life anymore.

so I believed that they were all gone,
but it's time to open your ******* eyes
and realize that there's a reason
the world is burning up.

recently i watched this movie
((you all know what is,
its named after a singing bird))
and this girl said
"what if real life was like this"
but as I sat there I realized
that there was almost nothing different.
((except that was fiction,
and this is real life))

please wake up and smell
the burning before it's too late,
and you're caught up in the flames.

this world is in revolution,
and no one's going down without a fight.

i can't stop writing poetry about you.
it's all about you and the way
you make me happy or the way
it makes me sad that you're not mine.
I CAN'T STOP WRITING *******
POETRY ABOUT YOU SO STOP
BEING SO EASY TO WRITE ABOUT.

it's kind of funny
that i fell in love with the idea of you
BUT SOMETIMES IDEAS
ARE SO FAR AWAY FROM THE TRUTH.
I EVEN HATE THE IDEA OF YOU NOW
AND IT'S KIND OF HARD TO HATE THAT.
YOU MADE ME HATE THE AIR AROUND ME
YOU MADE ME HATE MYSELF JUST
AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU.
YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS BECAUSE
YOU COULD AND NOW WHEN
YOU'VE TURNED ME INTO A MONSTER
INTO A CREATURE GASPING FOR AIR AND
SPITTING OUT BLOOD AT THE WORLD,
YOU WALK AWAY.
you are prince charming, but
only in fairytales is prince
charming actually charming.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF HOW WHAT YOU JUST DID AFFECTS THE REST OF US?
no, of course you don't. if you have your daily dose of tequila, then you wouldn't notice if the world shattered (like the pottery you broke that time you got angry at your bandmates). you'd just pop in your headphones and keep on listening to your 'punk rock' music while the rest of us feared for our lives.
SO LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED AND HOW THE REST OF US ARE AFFECTED BY YOUR IDIOTIC ACTIONS
you left your brothers lying in a ditch (but then again, they always cared more than you anyways, didn't they?). AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN CARE THAT AS YOU DISCARDED THEM YOU ALSO DISCARDED OUR HEARTS AFTER YOU RIPPED OUR SOULS FROM THEIR SOCKETS. YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET US HELP YOUR BROTHERS UP BEFORE YOU PUT THE BLAME ON THEM AND MOVED ON WITH YOUR LIFE. YOU TRIED TO PAY US OFF WITH PROMISES OF BETTER DAYS, BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME OR MONEY TO WASTE ON YOU ANYMORE. YOU LEFT YOUR BROTHERS IN A DITCH AND GOT ANGRY WHEN THEY TURNED OUT OKAY. IF YOU'RE UPSET BECAUSE THEY SEEM LIKE THEY'RE DOING FINE WITHOUT YOU, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT THEM TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LIED TO US AS WE HUGGED YOU AND TOLD YOU HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LIED AS WE GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR YOU (BECAUSE WE TRUSTED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING). YOU DISCARDED US WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR BROTHERS IN A DITCH. STOP THINKING THAT YOU CAN START RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT OFF BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. YOU CAN'T COME BACK WITHOUT YOUR BROTHERS AND TELL US YOU'RE GOING TO DO GREAT THINGS BECAUSE ONCE YOU TOLD US FOREVER, AND YOU BROKE FOREVER. REMEMBER WHEN I READ YOU A BOOK ABOUT LOVE? IT WAS YOUR FAVORITE BECAUSE IT TALKED ABOUT INFINITY AND YOU THOUGH THAT IT WOULD BE YOU, BUT THAT WAS A ****** BOOK ANYWAYS, AND YOU ARE A ****** EXCUSE FOR A HERO.

remember that time
I played your music instead of sleeping to keep
me from screaming at the flecks of dirt inside my mind
that remind me more of myself than anything
your music reassured me that I was alive and able to breathe
in and out, slowly, to the notes of the song
to the notes of the song that reminded me
that I was worth more than a boy
I'm worth more than a boy that uses me just
to have a laugh and tells me I'm hot when I am ice cold
and hiding in alaska because I don't belong in summer
when he's there looking for more snowflakes to burn
you shouldn't burn snowflakes,
all they want to do is fall quietly
they want to fall but they don't want anyone to see how
they fall or what they're falling on, becuase they
fall into oblivion before you can notice
well usually they do, but sometimes a boy will catch them and burn them
so he can laugh and make himself smile the only way he knows how to.
it's hard to make yourself smile if you're him and don't understand
the nature of snowflakes.
but your music will pull me down a road
i'll walk along it happy to forget about the tears I had just cried
and I'll stop at all the potholes admiring how they line the road
and all the grass growing in the little cracks
the yellow lines breaking them all up
did you know that roads are like arms?
they carry suffering with them and are
scarred in ways that is both natural and unnatural
they're essential to you and I's relationships
yes, our relationship is built up slowly by roads and arms
inching us closer and closer until we are too close to touch
and all I can do it look at your face and wish that
you'd noticed how the roads are like arms
and how they'd both made our relationship as real as it can be
(which is to say, as real as my heart or as real as your
gorgeous eyes that I can see as I stand this close)
I wish I wasn't this close, I wish I was close
enough to touch, to hold you in my arms and kiss away your
tears that are sure to be there sometimes, maybe
you could even hold me? you did say that
you were better than the boy who burns snowflakes
but that doesn't mean I am better than just a snowflake
that needs to make that boy happy before he does something
stupid to himself and I blame myself
perhaps it is best if I let him? it's only one snowflake
among one million, what do I matter compared to the life of one
boy who's life has gone terribly wrong and the only release he
has is burning snowflakes that aren't worthy of kisses?
besides
it's not like you would
really miss the way
the roads and arms built up the hope that
you could someday love me because
we both know that's not the case
because you're somewhere far away playing your guitar
and thinking of beautiful girls who resemble
the fairies and mermaids of disney movies
while I only resemble an ugly stepsister who
tries and tries to get the guy
but falls short because the
shoe is too short and she is too selfish
to even care that it belongs to another.
and you, you are peter pan
you are everyone's dream
why would you even look at me?
this writing is rambling
it means almost nothing but the words keep coming
and I can't stop them because I don't know what to say
so I say everything.
and I am a rose, but who likes roses?
roses have thorns, and they die
dandelions are beautiful, and they fly away
roses are nothing compared to all those beautiful dandelions that surround me.
now please if you remember anything about me,
from the way I breathe to the way my perfume smells
or the shade of my eye or the taste of my lips against yours,
remember that roads are like arms,
and that is what makes them beautiful enough to have held up our relationship against the tornado.
remember my love, that roads are like arms.

your voice makes me want to touch the stars
and burn the ground down.
i know people can't do that but somehow i will,
and it will be your fault.
it's your fault that the world burns
and that beautiful castles crumble
because this is not a fairytale darling
and we're not even in wonderland,
but oh how I wish we were.

my bones start to crack
when you start to sing
your wicked lullaby and
i don't understand how
you can have a voice so enchanting
that even my mother falls
in love with it
(her ears haven't heard a sound
for three years because
the sound of her own
voice drives her mad).

and sometimes you wear a
crown of gold and sometimes
you wear a crown of
heartbreak.
it's funny how no one can tell
the difference,
not even me.

hi.
hola.
live life to the fullest.
but my darling,
this isn't wonderland.
(it's a school bathroom
where the rejected students
hide, crying because
of the bad science grade so)
help me.
who are you?
I'm bored.
(save me from myself,
save me from the way
my hands shake when I
pick up a pencil.)
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I hate you.
lol looser
(we're both stuck
here in the same bathroom stall
so save yourself before
they find us and chain us back
onto the blue chairs
we used to drown in.)
hot girls list
-you
-you
(it was nice to meet you my darling
before the world exploded
and we had to return
to reality.)

it's the middle of the night,
and i feel so empty that
not even the thought of you
will make me feel better.
not even the thought of you
will put my burned bones
together and reattach them
with elmer's glue.
because that's what always
happened in the past,
but you're not here next
to me, and i've forgotten
what it felt like when
you hugged me the
first time.
i'm sitting here in
the same spot on the couch
feeling empty
and thinking about you.
i wish you would come
here because i don't like
having broken bones and
tears that don't go anywhere.

you think blood is cool, do you?
you glorify people killing themselves as if it's neat
you talk about illnesses because it has no connection to you
when someone's shot you laugh about the murderer
(even when it's babies that didn't have a chance at life yet)
because it's all a story to you
it's nothing that will really happen, will it?
it's not real, it's just a story
from the pages of our history textbook
or the coffee stained newspaper from this morning
because it's not real. It's not real.
do you tell yourself that?
as innocent people died, from our town
a young family, gone
and you laughed and said it was funny to you
how can I get it into your head
that's it's real and painful for some people
but not for you.
and then you turn around, and ignore me when I show
you the sci-fi I love so much,
you never think about anyone else
maybe your gorey jokes bother us too
just consider that we have feelings too
and fears, and tears, and hearts
just as much as you

WOAH.
the thought of you overwhelms
me and sometimes it's hard to
breathe.
i like the way your muscles
move when you sing
(because by the way
you stand i can tell you
care so much about
what you're doing).
and sometimes i can't
sleep at night because i
remember how you smiled at
me
like i was the most important person
in the world
(even though i'm not anything,
it's nice to pretend when i'm with
you.)

and whenever you talk to me-
even when it's just to send me a silly face,
i get so happy that it's hard to move.

HOW CAN YOU HONESTLY BE
SO PERFECT AND MAKE ME SO HAPPY
EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT
REALIZING THAT YOU ARE
EVERYTHING TO ME.

i remember the first time i laid eyes
on you. i never thought you'd
mean this much to me, but
here i am five months later,
so deeply in love with you
that it hurts to remember a
time before i knew you.

i doubt i'll ever be able to
talk about how much you mean to
me (about how you make
me cry because i love you so much)
BUT I GUESS EVERY TIME I TALK
TO YOU I TRY TO SAY SOMETHING
MORE
like 'i love you so much' or
'thank you so much'

because honestly 'so much'
describes how i feel about you,
whether it's how thankful i am,
how proud i am,
how much i love you,
how much you make me happy,
how much i think about you
or how much i talk about you
because honestly you are
so much to me.

in five years i'll still feel the same way
as i did after five months,
and when i'm old i'll always remember you.
BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF YOU
OVERWHELMS ME AND I CAN NEVER
THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR
EXISTING.

you can hold me tonight,
but in the morning remember
that i don't belong to you,
and i can walk away
when i need to breathe.

i miss you
(do you miss me?)
we are torn apart and scattered
into the corners of the world
into high schools
(into hell.)
we are judged
because we do not have
either to
complete the other.
so we are incomplete,
and at night we cry because
they took you from me
and I will never get you back.

your words tore my skin apart
which was stupid because my
skin was supposed to be like
iron, and no blade could
break it, but i guess you
twisted your way through
and tore my skin apart with
your ******* stupid words
that will mean nothing tomorrow,
even though they
mean everything today.

you wear a band aid over a paper cut,
and then laugh when you hear that this
country was built on blood.
and now the blood is overflowing onto
the streets,
but the people have had enough.
while they're out there trying
to stop their kids from drowning
in blood,
you're in here laughing, and
spewing some philosophical ****
about how violence isn't the answer.
but please come talk to me
when our children are dying in
the streets (but they won't.
me and you both know that so
just accept that this is wrong
and that the world is like an immune system.
it gets rid of the things that
make it sick.)
you and your oppressive arguments
make me sick so go look
outside,
go look at the people drowning in
blood and tell me
why you need that band aid for your
paper cut.

stop.
put that ******* alcohol down
i just want to look into your eyes
without seeing the ghost of your
past trying to drown itself,
because this isn't an ocean, and
i'm not an angel.

i don't understand why the
sky is still lit up,
it's 12 o'clock and the sun
should be asleep but you're crying
and i'm shaking and we're a mess
on the floor.

you're not really broken you're
just pretending.  you
don't even know how to breathe
without an official diagnosis,
but you're not broken and you
have to stop hiding.

you know i love you,
but you're hiding and you
know how much i hate it
when we play hide and seek.

now it's 1am, and the sun's about
to come out (who knows why).
the dog next door is barking,
he must have heard your echoing
sobs and felt the emotion radiating
from our house.

but i can't stay awake for another
second so you have to let go,
and you have to help yourself
because i can't even handle
putting the coffee on in the morning.

maybe in the morning you'll be
stronger, and maybe you won't
but either way we can still do this,
i still want
to hold
you.

i am in love with you.
but you are poison.
i can never breathe as i stand
next to do,
fluttering my eyelashes
but not being able to see
because the poison you
bleed has clouded my vision.
i am in love with you
but you are not in love with me.
HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS
YOU ARE POISON
AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH
THAT ALL I THINK OF IS YOU
WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES THERE IS YOU
AND YOU ARE
SLOWLY KILLING ME
BUT I CAN'T GET OUT OF THE
DEADLY CYCLE BECAUSE
I AM ATTRACTED TO YOU,
LIKE A MAGNET.
you will slowly eliminate me
like a contestant on your favorite gameshow,
until i am no more than
*nothing

I FEEL SO EMPTY.
i'm just sitting here trying
to bring the feeling back to my
limbs and i don't understand what's happening
why did the lights just turn off.
i don't understand why is it
hard for me to draw breath.
and where did the stars go?
they might've exploded into
millions of pieces of color and light
but i'm still sitting here, empty
and alone in the dark wishing
i could find a way out and
i still don't understand
what's going on.

don't sell your soul to him because
he'll turn around and let go of it the
first chance he gets, and it'll
be 3 am and your skin is ripping off
your heart and your bones are
crunching but you can't change
anything.

it's too ******* late,
because he's stolen your
innocence when he stole your
soul and you'll never be the same
again, no matter how hard you try.

i hope one day you realize
that he doesn't define you,
that when he grabbed at your pants
he didn't take away your
worth.

and no matter what happened,
no matter how many times you invited him
back to watch a movie, or go for a walk,
it was never your fault,
IT WAS ALWAYS HIS FAULT AND
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO
CARRY THE WEIGHT ON YOUR
SHOULDER LIKE YOU'RE ATLAS
HOLDING UP EVERY SINGLE BIT
OF THE WORLD, BUT YOU DO
AND I'M SO SORRY THAT YOU HAVE TO.

IF I COULD I WOULD CARRY ALL OF
YOUR WEIGHT AND MORE, JUST
SO YOU COULD BE FREE, BUT
THE WORLD ISN'T LETTING ME
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

JUST REMEMBER THAT HE IS NOTHING
COMPARED TO YOU, BECAUSE YOU
ARE THE SUN AND HE ISN'T EVEN A SPECK
OF DUST FLOATING IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE OCEAN.

it's 3am,
and you're sitting over there,
with bruises covering
your body and you came to
me for help, and there's
nothing i can do for you
but hold you, and
you don't want me to
because my hands are
shaking and i can't seem
to reach them up to your
face,  i can only
feel the blood pounding in my ears,
and see the way your eyes
light up when you're
looking into them,
screaming and crying
for me to help you
but i don't know
how to and no one's
around and your hands are
letting go and your
breathing is getting
shallower as your tears
are getting deeper.

Yes #AllLivesMatter but I'm told my life
matters everyday in the essence of white privelge.
We don't need to be told that our lives matter,
because we're already told that.
you can't even grasp that can you??
so when your life is being torn apart and people
that look like us are being killed in the streets,
then you can get bad that the movement to stop oppression
doesn't include you,
but right now it doesn't, and I doubt it ever will
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ******* OPPRESSED

False hope is
dangerous.
It is like giving someone
medication and then-
knocking it out of their hands.
I can't believe that you could sit there and
lie
to
my
face.
Because nobody cares,
maybe not even you.

but maybe some drugs you
can take back after they've been
knocked onto the floor. not this
one.
you broke my mind as you
just dropped
countless pills on the floor.
my world fell crumbling down
(just like the tears you cried
when your great grandfather died).

I watched and waited and
hoped that you would start telling me
the truth,
and all you did was smile,
and I cried into an abyss because your shoulder
was too far away.
I don't know where I am or who
they are,
but I can tell that you mean something to me,
right?
I'm not sure,
I haven't taken medication.

you treated her like she was worthless
so she began to believe that she was.
her body was priced and put on the
market,
and she always fell prey to bargain hunters,
she was on sale
two for the price of one
(when they got her, they got her best friend.
neither of them believed they meant anything,
because of you.)
how does it feel to know that you were the merchant,
that handled the selling and put them on the market,
so they would be almost worthless.
you left her lying there,
in the clearance aisle,
and she didn't think she was worth it
to move from that aisle.
it's because of you that girls bodies
are sold off like nothing more than a
new pair of shoes,
to to trash that thought nothing
more than her curves and her
winking eyes
(you always taught her how
to wink, it would make her seem
more worth a fight for that.
but you and me both know
that's not what it did.)
you are the enemy that kills hopes and dreams,
and you've put the idea in her mind
that she is nothing.
You will never be forgiven for that
awful act.
(not by me, or her,
or anything else)

my skin was paper,
and you finally figured out
how to tear it.

my blood was ink,
and you finally found how
to use it to write.

and i didn't even fight against you,
because i am an empty book,
and i wanted to be filled with
something, i wanted to feel something
real, even if it was as toxic
as your breath.

is it so bad?
to take away my happiness for the thought of your smile
I know you're worth more than me in every breath you take
and even though all your wrongs will never make a right
there's always hope for you
there's never hope for me.
so how do I navigate myself through the space between you and me
through murky things built up, hiding in the corners.
and the air is so thick that I need to borrow your grandfather's oxygen mask to fit through the cracks between you and I.
I wish I didn't have to venture there anymore
8 months of things start to build up
and sometimes I fear for my sanity if I should have to venture in there one more time
but if I am to save you, I must go in and never come out
i must carve your words into my skin so I remember
why I am in that place of insanity when you're grinning
and I'm sobbing from the fact that you
will never love me
I will continue to ask myself questions no one should ask
"who am I?why am I here? where am I?"
and perhaps I will have to start marking my skin again
(I will try very hard but soon my mind will pass out and I will have no choice if I wish to remember anything, ever)
so I must fight for you, my dear
(i will start making you happy now, starting with that last line.
you'll have so much fun showing that off and laughing with your comrades in arms)
i must make you happy
i must make everyone happy
because I am the glue that stretches across planets
but is never noticed because
who would notice the glue when the artwork it holds together
is the most beautiful thing in the galaxies
and the glue only makes it possible for the artwork
to breathe in all of the pollution we've caused.

woah okay.
i just realized how much
i cared about you.
when the thought of
not seeing you had
me sobbing on the floor
and the sound of your voice
made me giddy with happiness,
i realized that you are the
most important thing in
the world to me and i
actually don't understand
how I can care so much.

it feels like you held me
when my body was
falling apart and my arms
held scars and my face
held tears.

AND I DON'T *******
UNDERSTAND WHY I CARE
ABOUT YOU SO MUCH
SINCE YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW I EXIST.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU CAN BE
MY WHOLE WORD AND
I'M NOT EVEN
A STAR IN THE SKY TO YOU.
I AM NOTHING AND YOU
ARE EVERYTHING.
THAT'S HOW IT'LL ALWAYS
BE SO I DON'T KNOW
WHY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
(LIKE MORE THEN I
LOVE THE SUN EVEN
THOUGH IT GIVES LIFE
TO THE WHOLE PLANET).

I accidentally love you more
than myself and I don't think
I'll ever stop.