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Aubrey Sep 2014
I imagine us
dwindling a paper trail to nothing
our footsteps are shadows
our pictures the only remnants our families have
until we call from a land line community phone
and tell them where to go
for freedom.
I imagine us
burning collection notices and old receipts for things we never needed
the smoke is our journey
disappearing into nowhere
having ourselves, our brood and our tribe.
I imagine us
our souls no more like candles that flicker
but stars that shine
like guiding lights to show the way to shore.
I imagine us
forever, before and after, and infinite
having no beginning or end
having everything inside of us
and us inside of everything.
I imagine us
whole and unfiltered
lasting and ending daily
destruction and chaos as beauty....
I imagine us
                                  and we are not ourselves...
                                  and we are not each other....
             we are whole
            the boundaries of existing like dew
                     like fog...
                                   there and gone
                                         old and new
I imagine Us.
Aubrey Aug 2014
Barely money to pay the rent
grocery money's spent
no car, holes in my shoes
***** socks, single cigarette blues
and my only request
my only desire
is for a ******* stereo to set my ears on fire
An admitted "noise-aholic"
an open "quiet-aphobic"
I want to tear my neighbors peace to shreads
and clear the chaos in my head
let me be beaten black and blue
by those brutally angelic tunes
Please,
let me blot out all existence
let me shout out my penance
under that blanket of deafening lyrics
Please,
let me blot out the world with music
2011
Aubrey Aug 2014
Used to be
anger made all those other feelings disappear...
I could mask sadness and fear.
Now, anger just falls away as fast as it manifests...
and I am left
with pain.
Even if you were awful these last two months
I loved you once.
I was lying when I said my heart wasn't broken...
I know, the queen of tactless truth...
I lied.
I don't miss you.
I miss the delusion of love and comfort
and fatherhood.
And I just wish it could have been different.
I just wish you could have been different.
I just wish you could have raised the white flag
and gave it all you had... or nothing at all...
I gave so much of me to you, and I thought that was forever, and you pushed and pushed and pushed thinking that I'd never...
and now that I'm through, you choose to hurt me even more
as if in some way you are evening the score.
I wish I didn't have to make the choices you forced me into
but don't think for one second I feel any regret.
I just can't forget that I loved you once.
Aubrey Aug 2014
I get it.
Your heart is ripped out and it's me that took it... forced you to take me back against better judgement. I trapped you here with me for years.
And now, I've torn it from your chest and laid it to rest under my heel.
*******.
**** your broken heart and your empty sobs and your selfish pleas for me to take you back.  
"You never loved me from the beginning!"
ALL I EVER DID....
                                        was love you.
                     ******.
You had a chance to make it right.
You had the choice. You chose to lie
and steal and have no respect for our lives...
and then, as if that was not enough for me to see through your sad eyes and sweet smile...
then you said you would take my life
out of fear and guilt and pain and desperation...
*******.
**** your pain and your incessant need for gratification and validation...
"I just love my wife and kids."
LOVE is not a word you throw around to make you look the part.
You are no husband and father.
You are no man.
Entitled like an adolescent and selfish like a child,
you would rather tear these kids from my arms and send them to the abyss called OKDHS than call ONE time to speak to them.
Believe me...
my veins pump bile strong enough to blot out your face
my heart is full of unbridled hate
when I heard what you did today....
the piece of my heart that was for the father of my child died.
That will never heal.
That part is gone.
You haven't broke my heart, you gave it the most beautiful battle scar.
Believe me...
if I see your face
after all of this is done
if I have any chance
just ******* one...
I know you believe me.
I'm no liar.
Believe me...
I have thrown myself into the fire.
Aubrey Aug 2014
It's the waiting...
chest still heaving
heart still beating waiting
the long, hot days spent in stress
and even longer nights
and the choosing...
to live in it
the pulse causing goosebumps on dry skin
the sigh giving way to sobs and fright
caught up quickly once in sight
of that little person watching cartoons.
It's the feeling...
every breath and beat and pulled heart string
every guilty shuffle
every fluttered eye
feeling the wind like a knife in my back...
the weight of the dishes and laundry stacked

and the air in here gets thick
with children running and screaming and needing

and I
just keep breathing.
Taking one breath,
one step,
one thought,
just being.
Aubrey Aug 2014
You said, "How do you react when **** hits the fan? When you're under stress?
Do you go to work,
or hit the dirt?"
The truth is
I am transformed by the glory of battle
into shining metal
into this beast of action
that's not bad... it just is.
I remember my Dad telling me to "Be prepared.
Be aware.
Stay calm.
Don't be scared."
                           (He also taught me  how to take a hit
                            and return the favor.)
You said to me,
"Maybe,
you are not afraid.
Maybe,
you are excited.
Maybe,
when you feel that feeling you call fear
your spirit is responding
with acceptance....
Maybe, you were made for it."

It may not be fear today...
or excitement...

Today I am the villain.
I am taking them away from him.
I am breaking at least two hearts...
and pouring salt inside of mine
                                                        for endurance
                                                                     for preservation...

I am the hard stone for flint to strike.
I am the rushing floods and the strong ****.
I am the hot concrete and the melting tar.
I am the engine and the speeding car.
I am  adrenaline in the soldiers veins.
(Long since wasted and drained
from too many fights.)
I am the candle's burning, flickering light.
I am present, and aware.
But I am not scared.
I am ready.
Aubrey Aug 2014
I'm trying
to read poetry...
a new love for me.
My critic's heart
is not so harsh
since you came to me.
             You've freed me.
                                              But...............­...
I'm distracted.
I'm stuck...
thinking...
your hand in my  mouth...
the other on my wrist...
the blankets falling down...
There's teeth inside that kiss.

                         Even now
my breath is ragged...
my heart is quick
to send oxygen to my
                       (you know what)
and I....
know I love you for
          far more than this...
              but..............
OH
my
GAWD...
Did he just?
Yes he did.

And a smile wouldn't cover
how I felt with you last night.

Sounds like some ****, right?
Like I'm lost inside
some teenaged *****
and thinking only of my groin
but you know me more
than I know me.

I spent six years waiting  for this...
                                like it could be cultivated..
making love
instead of
making love.
Like the goal
was feeling satisfied
instead of
feeling **loved.
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