There's nothing but silence on your end
I thought that's what I wanted
silence
silence
silence
but, now I'm wishing it wasn't coming from
you

whisper your sweet words
so no one can hear them, but us

hide your gentle touches
so no one can yearn to feel them, but us

....because I'm selfish,
I only want you to myself

No one will be mine
and I'm no ones
I like it like that, I do

Once you let someone be yours
all they do in the end
is make demands of you

So I'll be my own

Endless thoughts,
anxiety obsessed with me,
dark clouds,
sadness taunting me

These are the things
I'm still learning to escape

my soul,
so quick to scurry
as you pass me by,
still yearns for you late at night

I didn't believe your grandest
smile
could pull me back in
but here I am... right back to your side,
held so tight

oh my soul, where did you lose your fight?

in a tiny moment, so insignificant in time

he looked up to the sky,
as if he saw someone looking down at him

and I was in awe
because he did that to...

just..  like..  me..

I wondered how much our pain was the same

when did I let normal become
fake smiles
oversized sweaters
sunglasses to hide my eyes

I've become an actress
the kind who can't distinguish
where the stage ends
and the real world begins

how do I unmask the pain
shed all these layers
laugh genuinely
become just me again

why was it so easy to spill my thoughts ashore
I wasn't afraid to see them travel, near or far

then you came along,
and I just couldn't let my anchor drop,


....why can't I tell you my thoughts?

tell me a story
one where we're so in love
& make sure the ending is a happy one

because I'm exhausted of turning tear stained pages with shaky fingers
always hoping
this one will be different

you build me up
meticulously,
stone by stone
you convince me I'm your support,
and I believe you
resolutely,
each layer you take away from me
I believe you love me

so why am I now scattered stones lying across the hardwood floor
watching you build someone else up
lovingly,
brick by brick
telling them, they're the foundation you'll always need
as if you knew from the start, I was never going to be enough

trace your hands across my skin
pull me closer
look into my eyes
find me

I'm
b
e
g
g
i
n
g

please, let me feel, once again
please, let me be me, once again

2:04am
fast car on repeat, I close my eyes

I see little me dancing around the table,
little me looking out the rainy window- waiting for you to come home

isn't it amazing that 19 years later
fast car still reminds me of that day

lovely words, once
gentle kisses upon my cheek,

now don't feel the same,
since hearing them from him

those words you speak to me,
scratch,
they dare to break my skin

your words,
I wish,
loved me like their intent

I've always been the kind of person who throws
the crochet needle
when I can't get the string through the loop

my grandma used to try to teach me
but when I couldn't do it
the tears started,
then the anger,
then it felt like the end of the world
because yet again, another thing I failed

One day, I want to be the kind of person who tries again
and succeeds

a touch like yours
could resolve anything

and the chaos that follows me
needs to be tamed

are you really looking down on me?
...that's what they say
but I wonder,
how could you ever love me this way?

are you proud of me?
...that's my question day after day
because I wonder,
how could you ever enjoy seeing me this way?

are you okay?
...that's what I yearn to know
when I wonder,
how could you miss me when you're so far away?

the truth is, I have so many questions
but I don't know where to go
I want to know you
but I'm just too low

with
skin as cold as ice
eyes as dark as night
and a mind as loud as a siren
I need to muster enough strength
to continue this fight

I know you're leaving me soon
& I'm suffocating
just the mention of your name
& I'm in tears
they show me your picture
& I'm desperate for forever

please don't go
I don't want to miss you

I want you to write me,
some want to be painted
pretty colors, slow strokes of brush to paper

but I don't want that

I want bold words to describe me
imagery so vivid
you can see me, even when I'm not there

I want sentences so strong,
no one would dare confuse me
for something I'm not

I want you to write me
because then maybe
you'll finally understand me

I want to hold your hand
as I did when the panic settled in
Your touch was enough
to make me feel like everything was going to be okay

I want to turn my head and see your face
that smile on you- I could never erase
no matter- whatever I did

You have always been my angel
just now, you are my angel in the sky

I miss you

In the dark of night wind shrilled
he had to let go of the terror of which he was filled
soon came sun, ready to steal the spotlight
she danced and beamed, she was a delight
and wind accepted this defeat, he let his fear be stilled

he didn't sin
he wasn't deserving
his body didn't even know it

some say it was
bad luck, maybe..
just a freak occurrence

but
death couldn't care
she gave him 13870 days
not a day less and not a day more
her word is always final

why do we try so hard to please
we always turn the corner
& no one is trying to please us

why do we hope so much
we always wake up
& no dream ever greets us

why do we always say I love you
we always long to hear it
& we never do

we always give, we always hope, we always long, we always speak
but that's just it- we never receive

I worry that every little thing I do,
disappoints you,

& I worry that the things I say,
embarrasses you.

I worry that the feelings I push away,
frustrates you.


& I realize.. i always worry,
and it always leads back to you.

But I don't ever worry for you
because I know you're not coming back,
I know you're okay.

you close the shades
and fail to speak

you let the shadows dance around you
but you never join in

you read the words of others
and never let your own flow

you will always make me smile
but you never lets yours' show

i think you've given up-

somewhere along the way
you decided- being alone is okay


and now I don't know how to get back in

I'm terrified,
maybe you don't want me in... ever again?

one more step
two more breaths
three more praises
that's all it would take
then she'd really be free

but then he stood in front of her
that smirk already crossing his lips


even though she wanted freedom
his pull was strong
stronger than she could ever be

yet...he was letting her decide
she could still choose herself

but,
five steps backwards
four shaky breaths
three denial thoughts
that's all it took
for her to let him control her once again

July 29th 2001
I remember the sun was in an out
the same way people entered the house,
constantly, in an out,
next thing I remember is us getting our picture taken
standing beside each other,
respectively three and five.

Maybe at that point we didn't understand what was going on around us,
but I think in our own way,
we understood that things were changing,
that what we were used to,
would never be the same.

Now its July 29 2018
17 years has past,
we abandoned taking our picture together,
for whatever the reason, whether it's because we're older,
or more busier,
it doesn't matter.
Picture or no picture,
we both have adapted.
We don't have to stand next to one another,
to realize we're there for each other.

I thought writing everything on paper
maybe then, it could all make sense
But, the longer the sentences became- the more jumbled
my thoughts were.
I tried to trace one thought to the next, but all I got were scribbles.
How could I figure out what I wanted,
when I couldn't understand what I was thinking?

It seemed like it should be simple,
like learning to tie your shoes.
First, it seems an impossible task
But, before you know it, your hands tie the shoes
And you don't spare one thought about it.

It wasn't what it seemed though,
my thoughts were inchoherent
and every solution I had was a dead end.

I found myself alone
with no one to turn to-
I was deserted on a street that no one knew of.

So what do you do when you're all alone,
and a map of survival does not exist?
Do you keep thinking until a solution arises?
Or, do you pick up your feet, stand tall, and head in a direction you feel could be the way?

A chill swept through the air-
throwing the leaves from their branches,
twirling the blades of grass,
hiding the sun from sight.

After it's retreat
a calm settled everywhere-
a silence touched the soil,
a whisper spread through the trees,
the sun shining so bright.

Nestled, low to the ground
the rabbits,
ears stretching to the sky,
peered around- only in curious wonder.

When you're born,
your life is mapped out
with a jigsaw puzzle.
Every year another piece fits,
sometimes you gain several pieces
all at once,
and sometimes you misplace a piece
only to find it once again.

But, no matter what,
your life will complete the puzzle.

When I was three,
one of my puzzle pieces was destroyed.
They told me, I'd never get
another one to fit.
So there I was through the years,
filling a jigsaw puzzle, that we all knew-
would never be complete.
And I thought, what was the point?

Eventually, I found a calm-
so strong that not even the mightiest tide
could disrupt its' way.
I no longer thought of that destroyed puzzle piece,
instead I wrote and I sang,
and the sun was always calling my way.

I will never have a complete jigsaw puzzle,
and that's a fact.
But, I learned-
that doesn't mean I can't manipulate
the pieces I do have,
and create something-
just for me.

The ink is so fresh
and the pain was worth it,
now your initials rest upon my skin.
Whenever I want,
I can trace the black rose
and I feel a love- I imagine you had for me.

You may be gone
But, you're imprinted on me
 forever

she thought this moment
as she sat in the back room
tears sliding down her cheeks,
elevator music would be perfect

and when the others' came
she fell in line behind them
feet following, left... right
mind devoid,
but a small thought, human touch would be perfect

then it was over
tears as dry as the desert,
silence as loud as nothingness could be,
so bare, she was alone

she thought

the only touch she'd ever get again was her own,
and the only music she'd hear was her breathing
in.. *out

I had a guy that loved me unconditionally
he'd have moved any obstacle that got in my way

I had a guy that wanted the world for me
he'd have had the loudest voice in a crowd of cheers

I had a guy
he was mine, and I was his

then his days got shorter
& I got harder for him to see

by the end I was a figmant of his imagination
as he was of mine

I had a guy
but now all I have is myself
& I'm wondering how I'll ever let another guy in

loving you was
like diving into the waves of the abyss
and grasping nothing
yet still expecting to be pulled ashore

and your touch
felt like whip-cream
so soft and gentle
but it was deceiving because your touch was the end of the can, the moment the whip-cream ran out
and I was left with nothing

and I thought I was brave
stood tall, like I didn't need the support of a chair
to reach the top of the tree
but I was wrong

I was brave
like the kind of brave that it took for the cat
to hide under the covers when the vacuum buzzed around the carpet

and we all want to believe that is brave-
but in reality- I was the opposite-
just so cowardly

I dived out to shore
expecting the buoy of love
to guide me to a strong gentleman like you
but instead all I got was a lung full of saltwater
and eyes that just won't stop crying

Misery loves company
but uncertain I am
for my memories are fading
and for that reason alone,
how should I really feel?

You tell me what I should feel
force those ideas into my head
I try to box them, and keep them on file
but I just don't understand

where did I get like this
how did I lose my sense of reality
why can't I remember

finally- you tell me
I was a caged bird
until they demanded me to fly
and I followed their orders-
even though, I never learned how to properly spread my wings

I can't remember
and I still don't know what to feel
but-
now I think,
I can recover,
maybe one day, *I'll even learn how to spread my wings and fly

If I had a son
I'd want him to take a step back
appreciate the view
I'd want him to be cautious
yet always curious

If I had a son
I'd want him to love
give his all to someone spirited as him
I'd want him to explore
feel the currents of earth rush through his hair

If I had a son
I'd want him to remember me
because as his dreams get bigger and bigger
I know I'd have to take a step back

So if I had a son
I'd hope that
we'd always love- as one.

He's confined to a chair
his legs curve inward
his speech is a bit slow
and most of all- he is moody

He doesn't want me
he tells me so
when I try to hug him

He loves me though
I know in the silence of the night
we sit together
and I know his eyes search mine

He loves me
because he is always searching for a reason
why he shouldn't

but I can't change a thing
*I'm in love with him

I think you've forgotten who you are
the same way- I've forgotten how to be
living- life, it is so essential
but here the two of us sit,
and our sunken eyes
seem to make silent conversation
as we both wonder- how has it come to this?

I also think you've forgotten how to feel
the same way- I've forgotten how to see
friends to lovers to enemies, we've let it rip us apart
and we shuffle beside one another
seeking something,
and both hoping- it will be enough

The path we need to take is covered,
without a doubt
but, I think we both can agree
numb amongst it all- we can't venture alone
together, it will always be better than being lonely

I've finally realized how you see me
I'm the whip cream on the top of your hot chocolate
or maybe on the top of your ice cream
either way
for a few minutes- I am the greatest thing ever
maybe you even anticipate me

In a flash
I am gone
You take all of me away
And I try to cling to whatever I can reach
But, you always win

I've built so much of me up
for you, it's so easy to take me down
Now I've finally discovered what I need to do
It won't be any easy

But I need to leave,
for me

It's the twenty-third of the month
She's finally discovered a rhythm through the days
but soon enough, a new month will show
and she knows
once again
she'll have to adjust

That's the way it always is
the way it's always been

adjust for her mother, adjust for her father
and when she met him-
she suspected he would assume the same

but he told her
her attempts weren't good enough
which he must really have meant-
she wasn't good enough

so he left, barely the start of the month
and she spent the days alone
and that's what she is dealing with now
days of the month
forever taunting her

and if she lets a tear slip at night
well that just further proves-
she's deficient

they told her
but she tried not to listen
in hopes they could be wrong
but they've always been *right