She stumbled across the streets,
with low light streams.
Casting a glimpse to the rustling leaves,
fearing a soul's hail,
for 'twould free her long-harbored wail.

Her white shroud floating back like a spectre unleashed,
her feeble hands holding tight to the shovel in need;
on she went digging, with all her strength beaming,
waiting not for a second to breathe.

A ditch no less than a bottomless pit,
was what she endeavored to achieve in the late night sleep
to abandon her setback grief.

i spent a week
in the behavioral center
psych ward
mental hospital

they said three to five days
they said they wanted to monitor
i spent a week

simplistic routine
group and rec therapy
all so they could see
why
i was feeling the things i felt

asking questions
getting personal
i spent a week

new medication
new friends
new experiences
new diagnosis

all from the psych ward

i notice it everywhere now
why i do the things i do

bipolar
a simple word that explains
EVERYTHING

it all makes sense
the decisions i make
that i wouldn’t normally make

it all makes sense
the racing thoughts
twenty four seven three sixty five

it all makes sense
the excessive shopping
with money i don’t have

it all makes sense
my mouth and my brain
racing
but not on the same track

it all makes sense

i spent a week
in the psych ward



-k.l.

It's funny that something that could **** you
Something that probably will **** you
Can be so comforting

It's the one reliable thing you have
It's easy to fall into the patterns again
It's easy to hide it (to a point, but by that time you're too far gone)

Because it feels so good
To have your body disintegrate
To have your head swim and hands shake
It's better then the alternative, at least

I don't want to feel like I'm losing myself
But that may be the only way to go
Until my bones, my veins, they show
Because the alternative is **too dangerous

When I'm upset about something, I walk
I'll walk a mile or two until I find a swing set
There's a swing set in my backyard- but being that close to everything is not what I want
I want to be where I normally wouldn't be
Some place where people will not know me, and in Utah if you go a mile you're in a whole new area with hundreds of new faces
It didn't occur to me why I always wound up on a swing set, my initial intent was to only walk
Today I realized it
When you feel so weighed down by your worries and troubles, nothing feels better than that split second of weightlessness at the peak of each swing
In that moment nothing else matters
You can look up at the sky and know that you're not alone, nor are your burdens always as heavy as they were in the moments before

Over the years I have realized that I do not know how to love slowly
Or carefully
I fall for someone instantly
I'm just good at hiding it, at acting like I have a normal level of admiration for someone given the time we've known each other.
But that is not me.
I throw myself into situations, knowing that it could go up in flames.

But the threat of being burned does not out weigh the excitement of feeling the heat.

I am not comfortable in my own skin, I am not comfortable looking at my own body.
I hate that my body is often looked on by others, it makes me feel *****. But I love being touched. I love kissing.
I hate when they say my name, though. It sounds like a bad word. Something that doesn't fit. But I love my name. I love how it sounds.
I hate hearing from a mans mouth, it comes out tainted. I hate feeling squeamish when anyone compliments my body. I hate that I immediately want to cut into my skin when someone tells me I'm beautiful, or that they love my curves.

I always saw stars in your eyes, but now.. my God, they're even brighter. They're so much brighter.

I think of you in words that don't mean anything.
I think of you in places that don't exist.
To believe in reality is hard because reality is brazen and I've always been meek.

I see you in all the faces I see,
Some have eyes like yours,  some have your hair.
Nobody has a smile like yours,
A perfect melange of shyness and mischief topped with genuineness beyond compare.

I hear you in all the voices I hear,
They all talk like you yet they don't.
They don't make sense to me,
Your voice made me feel like home.

I catch your fragrance when someone passes by,
That enticing smell of cigarettes and cologne.
Now she smells it everytime she hugs you,
It fills her head with euphoria and inexplicable bliss.