a lot of the emotions I've once felt are nothing but distant memories
small faded parts of me that are hidden deep within,
reignited by specific switches that come in all sorts of shapes and sizes

small faded parts of me tucked away so neatly and carefully
as to forget they were ever a part of me until they are randomly selected to switch on once again.

I've never really been sure who I am or what I'm for, but I know I'm sure I'm going to die one day, and sometimes that's comforting enough.

who knows if you're still looking
who really cares?
I've written multiple messages I've never sent
and I never will send them.

I will probably never talk to you again.

I spent so long being bitter over the words and actions you gave that hurt me that bruised me and left me distrustful and angry

but honestly

I was the one who allowed you to walk all over me
I was the one who let you come inside, decorate me the way you felt I should be

I was the one who let you use me.

I was your muse,
I was your lover,
I was your project,
I was your excuse.

And that's okay.

A man's influence is not one that he himself can fully comprehend
A man's influence is not one easily seen until much, much too late

I don't know what he felt in his last hours and I can't tell you the last time I thought of him before now but I can tell you I am heartbroken in a way I never could have expected

And I'm sure neither did he.

the way you kissed me
is like a double-edged sword

i loved it
but you'll never
do it again

i'm accepting it

"you're a sad girl
a man's achilles heel"


it doesn't help.

lying on the floor of my bedroom
blowing smoke circles in the air
and the window open to let in
the cold,

i listen to songs that remind me
of you, and use the memories
to keep me warm at night.

your eyes remind me
of the slightly overcast
january mornings
i spent walking at 6am
cold, crisp
blue and bright

i want to paint
my new bedroom walls
in the comfort i feel
when you smile
because of something i did
or said

and i want you
to feel happiness
because you deserve
only the best out of life

the future is uncertain
both of us know it
and we know to enjoy
the "now"
and the "then" will come
and only then
will we know what will happen

if boys like you
wanted me, sober,
as much as you do
when you're drunk
then maybe i wouldn't
feel so hideous
and useless
and used
and sad

i just wish i could feel something

i am so lonely

a strange world we live in
where i can hear
your last moments
and feel a connection to you
although you can't feel
anything

anymore