If you ask my friends what I've become
They'll start singing song lyrics
"Tried to find you t the bottom of a bottle, laying down on the bathroom floor"
"You're gone and she's gotta stay high, all the time, to keep you off her mind"
And by God they wouldn't be wrong.
I've taken up these habits and made them my own
Creating my own personal bubble that's headed straight for hell
I'm not saying what I've become is all your fault
But you certainly contributed to my status.
My chain smoking, my drug use, my increased alcohol consumption
My need to drive dangerously fast, stepping into traffic, my laying on blacktops
To everyone I know, it's as if I'm certainly flirting with Death
And I guess its true
And I'm not taking 100% of the blame
Some of it is on you.

I saw your face today
No I didn't get sad or anything.
I got angry because I know you saw me too.
You saw my moms car and looked the other way, biting your nail as you do.
I know it was you.
It wasn't your truck,
But I'd know that green ballcap anywhere.
Because I'd steal it every time we were together.
I'd know that God awful plad shirt anywhere
It was and if your only nice shirt
You always wore it all nice and tucked in on dates
So don't text me once you stumble upon this and say it wasn't you
Because I may be sick with terrible eyes
But I always know when I see you.

Because I cannot stop my hands from shaking
Nor the wobble in my walk
I've come to terms with my mortality.
If not for a recent understanding
Of what keeps my mind on pins.
I cannot wait until I ache
For that stomach punching pit again
Putting me out my misery.
One day soon I hope and I pray
I can look you in the eyes and turn you away
But for whatever reason you remain.
The hopelessness that my eyes portray
Simply weaken every day
Until the day someone says so
And my anxiety just goes away

If you're still there,
Watching me from afar
You watched as I danced with my devils again.
You saw how I have finally
Let them win