Where’s

My

Mind

waiting for the storm to hit
feels like burning yourself
you don’t notice the pain
until there’s contact

you just have to wait it out
and trust the process

what enchants me the most
is how you make me feel at home
even if home isn't in sight

what astounds me more
is how you make me feel safe
even if danger is lurking round the corner

but

what mesmerises me just a little bit more
is how when you are by my side
everything is complete
and we
are magnetised

it’s just not fair
feed her your leftover energy
then fuel her with your lifeless stare

and now we behold
this constructed spirit
purposely provided to fit your mould

a hollow container, she’s not alone
but she is conditioned so deeply
to lock up the unknown

who is she?
for now she is a deer

only very few can see
that she is combatting her fear

its one way glass
my eyes are one way glass
the window to my soul

i can see out
but you can’t see in

overflowing and flooding the room
following the glimpse of strength
overcome by the shadow of gloom

trying to understand
is like trying to build a sandcastle
with no sand

dipping in and out of sleep
screaming to be free
until the screams are weakened within me

right under her nose
but she didn't know
it didn't want to impose
kept to the pattern and flow

no longer spiralling
but stuck
like gum on your shoe
like some bad luck

if you squint your eyes
and hold your breath
you will detect an end
but nothing like a death

memories are merely in our mind
sometimes you get triggered
and you are now blind
feeling disfigured

unlearning old habits is a fight
such a familiar face
the old you, a comfortable place
a room with no daylight

but the wheels keep turning
and the world keeps spinning
she is still learning
somehow it's just the beginning

I got my drivers license
So I can drive myself crazy
So you don’t have to

inside of us
are tiny little buckets
filling up
and watches you grow up

then the slightest thing
makes it spill over
and every crevice of your being
is encompassed by pain

fleeing through the tear ducts
you are temporarily healed

look at what you’ve done
an angel in the eyes of the source
the ones who battered you, crushed you
manipulated your mind, twisted your sanity

take the leap, dear one
don’t look back at what they’ve done
rip the sugar-coated invitation to hell
take your time, no time to dwell

believe what your soul is telling you
not everyone is a liar
listen to within
and elevate higher

can we live
at the bottom of the toothpaste tube
the part where no one can get you
and no one bothers to use you

silently living a life
feeling the dull heart ache
you stick in the sharp knife

your eyes have rolled back
replaced by a cloud of fog
and my hurt sits in your backlog

you don’t notice each word
you never realise
you make me feel unheard
lifeless soul healing through my cries

i’ll be gone
but you won’t see
because I was never number one
not important, just a nobody

we are all either survivors
or truly living
too scared to go

the rest found it too painful
to stick around
and felt no fear in giving up

and leaving

I have ten minutes to write this poem
I spare myself ten minutes
Every morning before I leave
Ten minutes to try and just breathe

Ten minutes act like they’re in a race
The one hundred metre sprint
They’re winning, it’s clear to me
They want to escape my life, as fast as they can be

With five minutes to go I look around for inspiration
The cold cup of tea on the table
Winks at me for validation
I remember and drink it til it’s empty

Four minutes to go
Til I become the cup of tea
Desperately urging to evaporate
Silently waiting til one of them drinks me

Lucky me I have two minutes to spare
I’ll finish this poem
I’ll grab my keys, put on my shoes
Arrive at my destination and pretend to care

who put the brakes on
who paused the healing process
paused it to make a quick cuppa
cuppa was never made

shoved in the back of my mind
it’s all piling in
crammed in every crevice
out of my eyes, it spills

that’s an improvement i guess
although i just see it as a loss
control spilling out
whatever is left, i don’t want

how long til my only desire changes
to become tiny and hide away
it’s getting old now
but it’s the only thought that stays

i want to roll you up
like a cigarette
and inhale you into my lungs
so you can live there

and when i smoke you
i can still smell you
on my clothes
and in my hair

your cuts heal quickly
but they are so frequent
on and off
on and off
like a persistent, infuriating tap

you’re out to hurt, it’s your guilty pleasure
you’re the predator, I’m your prey
my silence is your measure
my silence makes you stay

you possess the key, the ability to ****
I need, no,
I will take it back
and then when I bleed…

I bleed clarity

not pain

it just wasn’t meant to be
keep on saying that to me
you’re right, we both know
I’ll try harder to go with the flow

you’re so chilled, life is a breeze
would you cope if your mind was diseased?
death is upon us my dear friend
soon we’ll be rotting, let’s not pretend

oh, but what if you’re already rotting?
well then maybe we are the same
i too, am dead inside
my corpse tiptoes around in shame

validation is all we seek
then you’ll wonder how life became so bleak
calm down, soon you will decease
unless you give that trapped emotion some release

empty as an unlit bulb
with no lamp shade
lonely in the centre of the room
overlooked

escaping the stifled claws of society
she gulps the tangled energy
vibrantly gleaming
but not quite beaming
she rewinds back
back to a crisp January morning
when the walls didn’t scream
and life was a dream

eating less and less
so we waste away
eaten less and less
i can see more bone today

why, you ask?

so you notice me
so you fall for the thin goddess
so i am a strong contender in the fight for your love

isn't it funny
waste away
become nearly invisible
only in an attempt to be noticeable

Exhaustion seeps out of my sockets
Backed into a corner
Pinned to the wall by pain
Sorrow clouds the room as it starts to rain

Take me to the roof top
Stay here just for comfort
Delay the desertion  
If you need me
I’ll be sleeping

Cross the road
Hand in hand
Fingernails digging in
Suffering locked to my skin

I’ll be the messenger
Tell every single part of me
Your agenda today is
To bury yourself and bleed

my body is a matchbox
full to the brim of kindling
posing as a lit match
flames stuck to me, so attached

i wore the flame
but the flame also wore me
wore me down
until my body became a ghost town

i’d flicker and light up
whenever anyone needed me to
but then fall apart so quickly
in the fingertips of you

keep going for more
there are hundreds to use, my dear
but keep an eye on the matchbox
because when it is empty,
keep the ash as a souvenir

defeat pricking the dimpled surface
listening intently
manipulating, orchestrating & feeding the fears
butchering all sensations of opportunity
she curls up and loses identity
she kisses goodbye to serenity

good days
bitter sweet
but you know
it’s merely a treat

head in a bad place
buried in the sand
deflated balloon
tasted so bland

gaze into the distance
stare at the stillness
glance at your feet
just take a seat

try good thoughts
on the bad days
breathe just a little bit deeper
collapse and feel the rays

stare at the sky
and just try
try to connect

why do we stare at the clouds
imagining our dead relatives can see us
who fed us that lie
is that why I always stare at the sky

don’t read your book of mindfulness
lift the quilt
tuck every hair
can’t see me?
like you care

balancing the feelings
feelings which sit in my bones
crack your knuckles on my ribs
gutting me when I feel most alone

chapped lips
chapped lips pursed on the blank expression
tingling & lingering
watching the fire ignite in seconds

brush past me, accidentally creeping into my life
lifeless body triggered
what is it about you?
cheeky grin but no sin
reassuring eyes, secrets but no lies

symbolic human interaction
demons becoming a distraction
distraction leading to dissatisfaction
time to make my final transaction

tender, sweet & warm
bearing the sunshine after the storm

I’ll be your Christmas gift
wrap me up, but don’t suffocate
leave the mouth, I’ll communicate
remember to deliver that first and last kiss

I’ve purchased a secret
Purchased and now possess
Lingering on your lips
Longing to leap onto mine

Softly break the silence
With a stupid little melody
Ignoring the pain around us
The distress, unease & austerity

Force open the wound
Allow the anguish to seep out
Leaking onto your new shoes
Staining them with suffering

Visit the vanquish
Tie the lace around their neck
Oh, just let them rot
Shortly after, I’ll go cash my cheque

knock knock knock
oh come in
for a nibble
for a drink

there’s so much i have to tell you
do you remember me?
i saw your old car the other day
it will always belong to you

i couldn’t unglue my eyes from the number plate
almost as if i saw a ghost
it pained me to look away
almost worth crashing for

let’s have a cup of cocoa
and a piece of dark chocolate
and finally catch up

you can’t hear me
can you?
here, let me hold your hand
maybe you will understand

oh, just like that
you’ve disappeared into ash
i don’t think you were real
just a fond yet painful
memory

nifty little brain
bringing a world of pain
world so complete
but pierces me with defeat
pierces through my heart
intentionally sharp
wearing a mask so sheer
so i only feel fear

developing a cycle
bravery is just an option
dangling off the cliff
cliff of gloom
if i fall
my future is doomed
future no more
so i hold bravery at my core

i only have the strength to cling on
that’s enough
for now,
for me,
until i’m gone

feed me through a tube
tube linked to my mind
feed me til my head is full
full enough to make me blind

dish up those greasy lies
the cold goodbyes
force-feed me some facts
facts delivered alongside another story

wait until all i feel is guilt
and when it starts to disintegrate
send me a little text
reminding me to slump back into that state

you’re not doing anything
you should be doing everything
i’m appalled, disappointed, you’ve caused so much gloom

oh, actually
now i love you,
give me attention
now get out of your room

i’ll twist your mind
tamper with your thoughts
then i’ll play the victim
so i’ll never get caught

why are you so down my dear?
did someone hurt you?
or cause you fear?

yes, someone is ******* with my emotions
you want to know who?
well i don’t mean to cause you guilt…
but, it was you.

c utting
o pen wounds
n umbing
q uickly
u ltimately
e nding the
r espiratory system
e levating the chances of
d eath

she retreats and sits
ties her hair delicately
inhales harmony
exhales gratitude

with the pen to the paper
she hesitates for a while
so much she could say
almost too many thoughts to compile

longing to write about such significance
expecting it to flow so easily
and hoping to reflect on something so magnificent

she rests her head in her hands
ticking over in tranquility
comforted by the unaccustomed feeling of stability
it’s just the beginning, she said

she puts down the pen,
rips out the page,
she yells ‘carpé diem’
and begins to seize the day

she’s torn apart
been ripped to shreds
then carefully placed back together
distant and alone in her head

but we all have something
lets not be afraid
to challenge them
to accept every memory made

she’ll check in with herself
dare to reach out
a problem shared is one halved
emotionally she is no longer starved

don’t deny yourself the journey
to accept, understand and heal

she carefully took the steps
held the hand of support
not knowing what is next

but seeks growth in everything she feels
soaking in independence
and uses love to heal

at last I think I’ve realised
swirled through the motions
like a spinning top
with no intention to stop

like the key meets the lock
I reach for a reading
if it’s bad I’ll simply block
if it’s good I’ll keep believing

transparency cradles the outline of a storm
we can clearly see each other
notice the heat itching to come closer
each crack of thunder
indicates another victim being born

keep it short and sweet
time is carefully limited
allow the rage and agony to finally meet
because now,
nothing is prohibited

you never see it in her eyes
the discomforting shadow
who rests beneath the disguise

prop her up with bamboo
like a limp old flower
so she seems shiny and new

babbling to those who don’t care
and to those who do,
she will not share

reliving in flashes
disturbed by each sting
her heart has turned to ashes
unable to forget anything

as she clutches the wooden bench
she doesn’t feel the splinter
but it doesn’t quite compare
to the pain she felt that winter

the safety net no one asked for
clasping at the sides
tightening the jaws of betrayal
ever so quietly strengthening itself
each bite of your innocence
enhances the clutch

dismembering your freedom
stacking loyalty on top of love
laughing internally
laughing at YOU

the cloned feeling of fear
waits for the green light
meticulously planning the next attack

wait til it’s dark
wait til you’re in the darkest of places
and in that moment,
mortality is imminent

spark up
the flame
in my guts

beating heart, pumping blood through a body
a body so lost
a body with no soul
a body so cold

in existential depression
simply calling for a response
existing in a pool of love
remaining comfortably numb

on a journey out of the fog
loving & living
formulating a path to triumph

she is fierce & fabulous
a dynamic woman
natural, strong & feminine

this road is going to be…
this road is,
incredibly spectacular

spiralling out of sight
allowing the touch of fear
fear curling up in the corner
loving, hating, smiles & tears

losing the feeling of loss
doesn’t stay gone for long
back to the station
where I am dragged to the floor

smothered & pushed down
by a faceless source of energy
effortlessly mournful and grey
smelling like severe sadness

so much to smile about
but not finding the strength to smile
longing for that excited tickle of glee
maybe that’s over, maybe it’s this, maybe...
but just for a while

losing track of something so simple
evaporating through my fingers
and hiding beneath the blades of grass
i call for it, but it only lingers

being chased by the unknown
it has just smashed a glass
purposefully rupturing all that is divine
pieces shatter everywhere, at last

veins ache for release
pulling at the heart
tugging at the long string of fear
sickened by the lack of escape,
so unclear

can you help sew my skin together
stitch it back to normality
glue on a new pair of eyes
because my old ones are lost amongst my cries

we paint our faces
stick scars to our skin
laughter dances around the room
nerves make an appearance from within

smoke machine switches on
smoke creeps around our ankles
music deafening us
lights blinding my friends

no sight
no hearing
no awareness
of the twists and turns this night takes

she’s bleeding tonight
it’s noticed but is unimportant
she resembles a statue
enduring the raid of her body

in her peripheral is the door
fleeing to an exit is not a choice
observing the intrusion  
aching for conclusion

surveyed until she is out of sight
silenced until alone
but at this point
she has turned to stone

words are tucked inside
safe from vulnerability
all she can release
are cries
cries which start to cease

and with arms wrapped around her
she will never be the same
only a shell of a person
trying not to accept the blame

falling in the vortex of your eyes
we are enclosed
alone in the warmth of us
wrapped up in a bow,

a surprise

delving into the comfort of you
momentarily hypnotised at every glance
fallen into place
all from a stolen dance

getting the sensation of butterflies
indigo brushes past me
whilst lilac kisses my cheek

bringing even more life to my soul
i hope you feel as enchanted as I do
because I’ve started to feel whole
all because of that one stolen dance

vivid sights of flashing lights
music dancing around my ears
innocent fumbled dancing
body let loose whilst we clutch our beers

your stare was cold and evil
auric field becomes crimson
plan is clear, you slowly get near
i am unaware, but suddenly i am so bare

forceful and firm
my friend is now an enemy
i am frozen and paralysed
no one can hear my internal cries

numbness spreads like a disease
my innocence shatters
each section slashing my heart
only slightly so i still remain
but enough to endure the pain

your hand slithers around my being
parts you know you can’t touch
you think you own me, all of me
silent on the outside, when i want to scream so much

why me?
you took the power to reveal all of me
it wasn’t yours to take, it never will be
but that night, i belonged to anyone and everyone

countless tears, panic & sleepless nights
aren’t you lucky i didn’t blab?
was all this worth it?
just for a few unwanted grabs

Dear every scary aspect of Earth
Dear the slug seeping through the sockets
Dear the rotting skull buried at my feet
Dear all the unstoppable intrusive thoughts
Dear the constant shift in emotion
Dear the next death
Dear the next unwanted touch
Dear the venom swimming through the veins
Dear the daisies which lay on top of the venomous veins
Dear what i might do next
and finally,

Dear the jump scares
you made me realise that the most frightening thing is,

smiling but my skull is screaming
nodding but my soul is sobbing
free but my voice is captured
open but my eyes are glued

love you but you love to hurt me
hate you but you feed my loneliness
need to speak but petrified of nothing
lost for words but won’t shut up

financially stable but life is poor
walking alone but surrounded by demons
listening to you but deafened by pain
wonderfully happy but tremendously miserable