you’ve done well, i could say
on track, hitting targets, completing goals
well done for your progress today
i can see you’ve scraped enough energy to climb out of that gloomy hole

seems like a front
like some kind of stunt
fake it til your make it
that’s what they all say
but it actually works, just for today

plod along young one
make yourself proud
announce your self-forgiveness,
shout it so loud

remember to plaster on a grin
even if its false
because if you do
the relief will eventually kick-in

so well done
young one

it's all a mystery
next steps new goals
the past is history

can we savour the way the bed feels like one big embrace
can we relish the sensation of air in our lungs
can we try adore the imperfections without disgrace

today is here
yesterday is dead
tomorrow is yet to come

never mind whats on the agenda
ignore the impending fear of death
attempt to appreciate every second
learn to appreciate every breath

lurking in the shadows
lays a slumped figure
lost for words
lingering for love

lets get the party started!

today we are women in motion
clinging to our independence
whilst power radiates through our being

to all of the people who inflicted pain
they hurt & hurt, seeking power to gain
i know you hear my song
you’ve never seen me so strong

so run away, be very quiet
because guess what
i’ve started a riot

the flame ignites freedom
a solitude tear creates ease
we are free, much to your displease
walking together, without your demons

smiling but my skull is screaming
nodding but my soul is sobbing
free but my voice is captured
open but my eyes are glued

love you but you love to hurt me
hate you but you feed my loneliness
need to speak but petrified of nothing
lost for words but won’t shut up

financially stable but life is poor
walking alone but surrounded by demons
listening to you but deafened by pain
wonderfully happy but tremendously miserable

mind is vacant
bones are aching
the warm shivers, the dull tingling
it takes over me, it becomes me

mind spilling over
question after question
who knew the huge difference between loss & lost
loss is my soul, lost is my name

feeling numb but feeling so much
head in the clouds
body in the crowd
you can see me but you can’t touch

that doesn’t stop you though, does it?
sick of the same ****
you repeat yourself all the time
pain repeats itself all the time

head ready to explode
heart ready to implode
all this is going on, but,
I am vacant.

You stand so tall, towering over
Together and prepared
But deep down, are you scared?
Whatever you say goes, I hope my gratitude shows

Troubled, confused yet so sure
Do you think we’ll ever find the cure?
Losing your identity, it’s the cold-hard truth
I’ll never forget the sorrow you caused in my youth

Gentle, sweet and warm
Nobody senses your inner-storm
I’m sorry you can’t see the light
I’m not sure if there is one for you, you never put up a fight

Broken beyond repair
Life without your love is not one to share
I wish I could help in some way
But the loss hurts me too, so I stay away

You come and go so often
So meaningful at present, so easily forgotten
Thanks for all the good times, they were fun indeed
I must remember, romance should be a want, not a need

I know you inside out
I know what brings sadness, fear & doubt
You’re really trying, it makes me proud
Energy shines so bright, internal peace screams so loud

i listen to it on repeat
the only thing that gets me
it made me cry
hearing it through the lights
cant help but to be reminded
being numb, alone and blinded

they dont notice the bodies piling up
around us like its modern art
stripped of dignity, left in the gutter
another thing she'll add to her letter

its up to her to fix herself
whilst you keep her on your shelf
the confidence is sickening
to those who are listening

whilst she is slumped on her bed
hearing the world move on
she listens to it on repeat
she is claimed by the song

start the day when the party’s over
that’s when it really begins
unsure of who i will be today
or who i have been

can’t keep up, dozens of types
one word is all it takes
****, poke, provoke me
go on i dare you

so many dark things i could delve into
physical pain i could explore
but the thing that hurts the most
is the invisible knife coming back for more

the knife is made of trauma and pain
penetrates my skin
greets my blood
creating scars only i can see

i’ll hide my words
i’ll hide my sorrow
plaster on a smile
until tomorrow

this is the one thing I cannot get wrong
you can’t criticise this
you can’t be disappointed
this will not be analysed
to me, my writing is perfect

to you,
well…
I didn’t ask.

*****

learning to love again
it’s a strange feeling
you don’t know if you’re making progress
no idea if your heart is healing

learning to love again
it’s like being naked in public
body is made of glass
face without its mask

learning to love again
i’ve become transparent
every scar, emotion & feeling can be seen
my soul displays where the pain has been

learning to love again
don’t assume i mean loving a person i know
my ability to love again isn’t consumed by a lover
but i doubt that would show

i have learnt
i am still learning
for true self-love
that is what i’m yearning

play me like a game
the more you play, the stronger you get
i start to pull away
trying to pretend we never met

what was life without this game
i can’t remember the feeling of peace
it’s unknown if i will ever feel a release

tear my spirit in two
rip my soul in three
split my heart in four
keep my body waiting for more

back to square one
i think i like you again
but we have so much fun
UGH. what is it about men?

you made my mind confused
just to keep yourself amused
good for you, get your kicks
and i’ll get my depressing fix

oh its spilling out of me
like luke-warm lava
supposed to be unbearable to touch
but actually is so familiar

i don’t want to welcome you back
the lump in my throat
the forcing back of tears
losing the ability to simply breathe

my stomach knots over and over
crossing paths as the hurt churns inside
waving at the butterflies
who have made my stomach their home

words racing round and round
pushing dread further and further down
until dread, despair and pain hide in every crevice

dread lurking in the shadows
depair tiptoes around my bones
pain hides and puts on its disguise

you know, the worst part is
i don’t know why
or actually i know that there are so many whys
and i can’t begin to use one as blame

so my aura takes the shape of my dear friend,
anxiety
welcome back i guess…
do you think if it cry, it will become less?

yes

its alien
its alien to me
its alien to the youth of today

this dating malarkey

my generation
we can’t stay idle for two hours
forcing conversation
words with no meaning
deceptively beaming
at one another

its not natural you know
you ask me to meet
i can’t just get up and go
or is it me?
the anxiety?

its just not my cuppa tea

i’ll never know
shove me out of my comfort zone
making me realise I prefer to be alone

I greet the bed, quilt, and pillow

And to that soul-destroying sinking feeling…

its time to go

should i be doing this
speaking to the unknown
its kinda thrilling
twinkling with nostalgia
but when im brought back down
the guilt crushes me senseless

what the **** is this
what am i doing

inner conflict

loss of breath
out of my depth
sinking into the pain
lungs filled with shame

weighted feet
dragging me down
lower and lower
about to drown

except…

i’m not in the ocean

where am i?

tell me to leave
spy on my shattered heart
wrap ropes around my throat
watch this world fall apart

its scary when your body is made of glass
people see all of you, notice every weakness
vulnerability is my identity
and relief is not an option

shards of glass penetrating my skin
butter knife lodge into my back
daggers trapped between my head & heart
bullets fired into my third eye

this sinking feeling reminds me its real
I thought it was gone
but i was wrong
I accept that disappointment is all I’ll feel

i can’t quite comprehend
how frequent this feeling is
failure & disappointment is now a trend
i feel one step closer to death’s kiss

oh that sinking feeling when you lose your phone
the ridiculously impactful sense of loss
the lump in my throat has only grown
its not loss of a phone, it’s the knowing that our paths will never cross

sadness showers over me
soaking up my joy
rejection crippling me over & over
playing with me like i’m a ******* toy

**** this
**** me
*******

finally, **** this repetitive feeling too.

take me to the time
when i open my eyes
and i'm not encompassed by dread

fear doesn't follow my every step
and we aren't always thinking 'what if'

what does it take
to just live in the moment

the answer is always time
to heal your mind
to hug your inner child
with yourself, to always be kind

i get lost and forget my identity
so can we just pause
and stop chasing that false serenity

emptiness is so familiar
it can feel like our home
sometimes you are so wrapped up in it
you forget to open the door

i love that
in a matter of seconds
my hairs can stand on end
my skin is represented by goose bumps
my eyes and face
soaked in tears

the little things like this
the thing which deems me as pathetic
in the eyes of society

but i love that about me
i love that i can feel so much
my heart can give out so much love
even if it’s not real

you may laugh
or be unaffected
but my speciality is empathy
and i will let myself cry

you say how are you
i say lonely
you say really
i say lonely
you do nothing

why did you ask
why pretend

i said lonely

it's like being left out in the cold
over and over again

does honesty even exist
or am i a magnet for lies

everyone i meet
vomits deception

its sickening
but loneliness is scary

this weather we're having
mirrors my inner emotions

i know something is hidden
and it hurts

take in the substance
fear diluted with worry
inhale, swallow or inject
listen to the footsteps dancing in your mind
dancing to the familiar beat of angst
pumping around your veins
instigating a sudden panic

racing thoughts
winning the battle
against your attempt of control

laughing at your sorrowful expression  
they’ve won
you say over and over
they’ve won

steps feel like leaps
walking feels like sprinting
your world develops a dark demeanour
laughter becomes extinct
and grief defeats another dreamer

baked salmon and rosemary potatoes
i couldn’t believe that even you
could be reminded of warm sentiments like this

even more so i couldn’t believe
that i am something
to remember

the winding stairs
leading to the place
where all is unravelled

the furniture conceals vulnerability
but you‘re watching
the trauma gently oozes out
of the exhausted host

friday night was for an hour of chatter
driving home rehearsing what was said
sometimes wondering about the life you keep so close
other times completely lost in my story

now i bathe in the unknown
wondering if the future holds the sensation
of baked salmon and rosemary potatoes
accompanying my potential exploration

if you find comfort in your bed
then by all means, lay in it

but keep an eye on the thoughts in your head
try not to dwell, try not to form a habit

it just may break you

happy birthday to the soul in another realm
your disappearance has left my world shattered
watched your life slowly leave us
watched you become weak, feeble and haggard

the lights dimmed when you left
the music dulled when you left
a finished puzzle has lost a piece
leaving an irreplaceable hole, disturbing all peace

i’ve never felt a loss like this one
and i’m scared to feel it again
it took twenty-four months
to finally get used to pain

hair white as snow, smelling like a single rose
eyes like a welcoming warm hug, wrapped around every inch of your being
cheek so soft and easily kissed
you were right, it was the last kiss

the love inside of you blossomed & radiated
your energy was longed for & preserved
i can’t quite put to words how beautiful you were
your soul silences me, i am eternally grateful

i’ll never meet another like you
and that’s fine
there’s only one of you, grandad
i’m so proud to say you were mine

i watch the raindrops
fill up the puddles
puddles where the birds bathe
to them, the world is still turning
turning, with no intention to stop

caged like a bug under a rock
feeling like we’re living by a broken clock
in these quiet times I think of you
writing little rhymes, like you used to do

your spirit lives in the whistle of the birds
your memory clings onto the petal of a flower
remembering you as i am greeted by the april shower

my light on every gloomy day
balanced in your own unique way

eyes locking
unlocking the peace
peace from your presence
emerging beneath the sheets

if i was fire
you would be water

you probably don’t know
but when my body is encompassed with fear and pain
you turn the pain to snow
and evaporate it with the rain

when you’re around
everything becomes so easy and fun
so i’ll wrap up warm with your glowing aura
my sweet, caring little bun

i don’t feel like her
the one trapped beneath the grid
they keep loving
the same old ****

delicate line
from top to bottom
firmly posed

these identifiers of allure
is a pain I can no longer endure

touchy subject
wish I didn’t have to write about it
it’s eating through our souls
til we take on the shape of her
that’s the only goal

pathetic

didn’t you know?
it’s a one way ticket
purchased my own gloom
finding myself feeling entirely doomed

they spread on the bed
some call it the starfish
to me I see the starfish as a symbol
a symbol of utter freedom

I can taste the envy on my tongue
gulping it down before it seeps through the sides of my mouth
before the words pierce holes in bonds

they are so free
free from evil thoughts
free from worry

who is that
how do you feel
what if
what if

switching off
is not on
the cards
for me

love will scar your makeup

the death of a loved one
feels like using a single plaster
to heal a thousand stab wounds
& being expected to carry on as normal

i felt like i was stuck
in a recurring nightmare
but you feel some kind of glory
and it punishes me through your stare

what is it you receive
some kind of buzz?
because for me,
i don't want to breathe

the pain slowly wraps around
waiting for my grief to slow
it feasts upon my breakdown
and pierces through the flow

my eyes are still puffy from last night
the pain still trickles through my soul
somehow i have won this fight
and gaining some control

yes, you damaged me badly
i think you know it's true
so i'll showcase my growth gladly
and you'll stay stuck, just like glue

you, me, everyone
getting under my skin
can't even keep it in
so i won't

your voice grates on me
like everyone's pet peeve
nails on the chalkboard
& now i've unlocked rage which has been stored

i'll be slumped in the hard wooden chair
clicking and slapping the keyboard
kissing goodbye to my ability to care
and waiting for you all to change the **** record

baffling how hard it can be
when you’re momentarily free
to document something so deep
about what you may feel

you think too much
please slow down
crazy starts to resonate
til you wear crazy like a crown

when will you realise
you’re wasting it
years will creep past
so shut the door to the demons who visit

warm sunshine presence whispering
forget, be free & have fun

oh wipe that smirk off your face
it’s easier said than done

to try will always be enough
as long as your efforts are true
things might feel a little less tough
lost, lonely girl of only twenty-two

lots of lost souls
traumatised beings
polluted and infected
unstable and rejected

making the decision to remain comfortably numb
or deciding to seek change
they step into your office,
and finally step out of their pain

on the verge of breaking…
a warm, lilac, reassuring presence rests on their skeleton
natural, comfortable, strong and feminine
delicately unpicking their man-made wounds

and eventually assisting us to blossom, love and live
this wise woman is in motion
so much depth and guidance to give
your light is so bright, consisting of security and devotion

we’re all on our journeys out of the fog
knowing that it’s going to be spectacular
simplifying and remodelling our internal monologue
with your help, we will eventually regain our power

you value the whispers of each symptomatic soul
welcoming every single dynamic individual
some are so mild & timid
but some are so rock ‘n’ roll

thank you for taking the time
thank you for making me shine
i now know its ok to not ‘be fine’
i am so grateful for your ability to re-align

so thank you, for one last time

x