I made a deal,
With myself,
To protect my heart and
shattered soul,
At all expenses necessary.
I made a promise,
To myself,
To never feel caring emotions,
Unless they are requited.

Yet I still see you,
In my dreams,
You haunt each path I take.
How do I remove you,
Set myself free,
Without needless heartbreak?

To know a secret,
Is such a giddy feeling, powerful, fun.

To have someone know you own secret,
Fills you with dread and despair.

An odd
Parallel.

i remember the night you called me and told me you are in love with me

the terror and panic in one's voice when they find their soul bound to another never ceases to amaze me

and i miss you enough to make the whole world feel lonely;
echo dances above my mind in my
subconscious attempts at pulling you closer,
sooner
but she only sits on the best post and combs
through my hair with her soft + unforgiving fingers
she says "you're losing your way + Loneliness stole your line of sight. you're not a bad person for the way you tried to **** your sadness. you're helping yourself survive."
i am alone and i talk to the parts of things that
have been destroyed by love-
the picked flower forgotten
the child's toy that no longer sings
the city benches written on with black and red ink-
"would you do it again? let the fingers trace
with butane soaked tips, let the intimacy ignite
the flame, let the scars raise so terrifying and
pure.

would you do it again?"

yes.
always yes.

Friendships take time.
I gave you my time, and then some..
And during my hardest nights, I would give you my piece of the sky..

But I didn't mind.
No I'd do it again, and then some..
I'd gift wrap those stars for you and present them in a candle jar
just for your eyes

And I loved you in three part poetry..
And you loved the way that allowed you to see most of me,
Oh there was my opinion on your ring of Saturn,
And you were my beautiful constellation,
And every other fascination showed on New Year's Eve..

Oh in the space of five months,
I found myself humming along, to your heart beat as you inspired, my songs,
Cause every time that we hugged I felt butterflies dance between my lungs,
And that just never scared you off..
'Tell me your stories, I love your voice notes'

And in the space of 2 school terms,
Your existence in itself taught me that some you'll win, and some you'll learn..
And how life can't imitate art if it was life that came first
And when it comes to us, there'll always be a page, a chapter, a poem
But loving you was a story of it's own..

Friendships take trust.
And I'll trust you for all my life
But maybe that's far too long, as
I don't feel too good these days, to keep up the fight..

But you loved me enough to compile the perfect playlist,
And I loved you enough to stay alive for this 3 part gift
Oh and I have screen shots from when we first spoke, When you told me how my words broke,
Through the walls, that you so greatly built..

But in the next few weeks,
I wonder what it'll take for me to hear you speak,
Like how you used to before cause we'd speak more, usually..
I wonder if everything will get resolved,
Cause I'll be there for you,
That's probably all I could do,
But this I swear to you..
That there'll be no one else who can love you at 17, in the same way i do..
But I know there will always be someone, who you love too

So maybe it's time to give up
Or maybe we'll call it 'moving on'..
Well maybe we've done nothing wrong,
but my heart's too weak to hold a love that's this strong.. Oh my love..

There's a drawing of you, an anime drawing tucked away in my room
And there's emergency cigarettes in a box I hid for you..
Just give me a shout and there'll be yours..
And right now I deeply need, a piece of your sky, a piece of your heart, oh something to anchor me.
Oh when I'm writing you letters I'll need you to answer me?!
I can't believe I'm missing you like this..

Well let's try again..
Meet me outside the gate near your bus stop at around 5pm
And I'll push away my terrible thoughts of never breathing this air again,
Oh let's just walk down all roads,
til one leads us home..

Loving you was the greatest novel I've known.

I'm trying to listen,
I really am,
I just don't think,
You understand,
My eyes are heavy,
Your voice is slow,
There are many places,
I'd rather go,
So if I look,
As if I couldn't care less,
You're right,
I'm sorry,
I'm a mess.