I dug a little too far into myself and ended up staring at you

It was cold when you left me,
You put a chill in me that God's hands never could,
Maybe it was just my own sick obsession with wanting to know your every curve,
Every word you never spoke cut so deep into my bones,
But God I loved you.

i feel him crawling under my skin like a spider
( and i should probably tell him i have arachnophobia )
the constant attempts to make it stop turns my skin raw
but of course it only takes me f  o   r   e    v    e    rr
to find the courage to tell him:

i am not a drug addict
i do not enjoy the hallucination of his touch on my skin
the way he slithers under through an open wound
like some toxic bacteria looking for a place to grow
with this need to keep my attention pointed straight at him
as if he were polar north and i were a mere compass
just trying to find home.

but he'll do it all for love -
as if love were his reason to cover me in tar
and tell me if i listen to him, he wouldn't have to hurt me
i do it because i love you

love is not an excuse, it is not a motive
it is something to be felt, not some twisted blade you use
to throw into someone's back.
they told me it was okay that he was the reason my wrist
turned red every night when i was finally alone
in the corner on the bathroom floor, laughing
because i didn't know how to handle the emotion

love was the drug you slipped into my drink when
i was turned the other way
and by the time i already noticed
you already got me addicted to it

Maybe I loved you.
But I'd never admit it
Because I'm saving that feeling.
For some one who's worth it.

I couldn't actually love some one
as mean as you, right?

Never had I imagined
that the feelings that
came along with him
coming back, would be
greater than those of when
he left.

Monkey bars/Deep scars
Shooting stars/Chasing cars
Apple pies/Broken cries
Bright skies/Teary eyes
Birthday cake/Smile's fake
Easy bake/Heart break
Matching games/Lighter flames
Picture frames/Lovers names
Car seats/Lonely streets
Candy sweets/****** sheets
Mommy's hug/Addictive drug
Lady bug/ Shoulder shrug
Candy shop/Speeding cop
Lollipop/Tear drop
Play toys/White noise
The child enjoys/The teen destroys

Lately I've been trying to forget who you are. Did you know that every seven years the human body replaces each and every cell. I think that's lovely. How invigorating is the thought that I will soon have a body that you have never loved, that you have never touched. However,  I've still got years to go and tonight you're the only thing pulsing through my veins. ***** and ***** and ***** is the only thing I can feel. I'm trying to forget you but it seems like the only thing I'm forgetting is my name and how to walk. It's so hard to keep going when you're the only thing on my mind, sober or drunk.

It's easy to fall in love with someone. To take your white knuckles off of the rails of stability and let yourself land into someone's arms. You'll fall in love over and over again in one lifetime. But you, you were so different. It wasn't like anything I've felt before. You reminded me of the pale moon because you would shed light during my darkest times and you were always picking me up and dusting me off. In many ways you were my own temporary heaven. But I'm afraid I wasn't your heaven, maybe, maybe I was your hell. My demons scratched on my heart and told me to run away. To break your heart and never look back. And that's exactly what I did.

365 days have past and I'm still afraid to look back.  

-BLD