It’s almost like
The very act of us falling apart
Is what let me see you clearly
For the first time in a long time

There in the rubble lay
What I doubted and pined for
What I ran myself into circles looking for
Pure, golden love

In some sick way
I enjoy the pain
I welcome it

Because that means that what we had was real
And that it’s not over
That you’re still here

I so badly want
You to be the one
To make this feel better

But I guess this time
(and the next time, and the next)
It’s got to be me

Nobody tells you
That you won’t be able to listen to music
Because it’s all insensitively about love
Or unbearably true to your pain

Nobody tells you
That you’ll lose control over your mind
Because every last little thing will remind you of him
So you’ll have to fight through each moment just to be okay

Nobody tells you
That your body will feel cold
That you’ll tremble
And ache

And nobody tells you
That sometimes you’ll feel fine
And that those moments are the scariest of all
Because that feels like you’re losing them
All over again

God, I hope
I didn’t make a mistake

The thought of other people
Stepping in to fill the role
That you just left
Kills me

I still want you to know my details
And I want to know yours

God, how are we going to do this?

I’m sitting here in a park
The park we went to before we said goodbye, actually

It’s the first Saturday since you were mine
And it’s the first time I’ve paused for long enough to catch a breath

It’s a little hard to catch
To be honest

We talked on the phone earlier
It was good to hear from you
But it was hard to connect
(I guess that’s why we ended up here in the first place)

God, I just want to feel close to you
And I can’t right now
I can’t
And that makes my head spin

But I’ll breathe through it

The world is carrying on around me
Kids are playing
Dogs are exploring
Boats are passing
And I keep on breathing

I’m going to make it through this
I’ll carry on soon

my lightbulb burned out
and I can’t breathe

it feels like
the aftershock of an earthquake

or the wetness
that clings to the air
after a heavy rain

the storm has passed,
yet it lingers

I’ve been here a while now.

In this foreign land of flashing lights and rushing people,
Of too-small hallways and too-high-to-believe buildings.

I’ve pressed myself into countless crowded subway cars,
Jumped out of the way when my shower water inexplicably (but unfailingly) turns scalding hot,
Clocked in thousands of steps going up my four flights of winding stairs (the last one being the one that really gets you),
And woven through person after person on the street, as though I’m a car, like a true New Yorker.

I’ve been out here all by myself
In a place that feels as far from home as could be.

But I must say
The strongest sense of home
Has crept up
And stricken me
A few times now
When I’m not expecting it.

Home is
The feeling of going on a run
The familiar sensation of pushing myself to just keep going
The reward of a beautiful view
The tried and true playlist I know so well.
I discovered this little snippet of home the first time I took a run in the city, along the East River around twilight.

Home is
The feeling of walking into a yoga studio
The familiar creaks made by bare feet padding along wooden floorboards,
The familiar scent of lavender and burning candles
The challenge of flowing through these poses I’ve held a thousand times
The comfort of being told at the end that all I have to do is let the earth hold me
I discovered this little snippet of home the first time that I took a yoga class in the city, at New York Yoga.

Home is
The feeling of working my way through my morning routine
The slow, peaceful ritual of brewing my coffee and heating up my muffin
(then slathering it with almond butter)
The soft light and quiet morning sounds that accompany my morning reading
The migration to the couch as I continue to relax and ease into the day
The awareness that there’s nothing to hurry to, nothing to do but to enjoy this moment
I discovered this little snippet of home the first Saturday that I had to myself in the city, in my apartment on the Upper East Side.

Home is more of a feeling than a place, isn’t it?
It’s a deep sense of comfort,
A sense of, I know this.
It’s an exhale,
A soft flicker of contentedness
A suddenly visible string
Tethering you to what you know and love.

I am grateful to have found these little snippets of home
That made me forget that I am so far away

And soon enough,
This far-away place will start to feel like home, too.

it feels like
a sucker punch
right to the stomach
right when you least expect it

it knocks you out
and leaves a bruise
that will take a long while
to heal

but it will

I’d rather feel this pain
That makes it so hard to say goodbye

Than to not have you
To say goodbye to

I love the way you see
And hear
Other people

With such openness
And respect

You see the best in everyone

I suppose what you see
Reflects what you are-

Pure gold.

I have this tendency
Of running myself in circles
Until I am so very tired
And confused
And empty

You have this tendency
Of holding steady
No matter what

Eventually your steadiness
Lures me in
And I find peace
Nestled into the crooks of your arms

You balance me out

It feels like
A wave is building up in my heart
And crashing down
Through my tears

I feel like I can finally exhale
and let myself just love you

is love meant to be
a roaring fire
or a small (but steady) flame?

I am a pendulum

I swing
back
and forth

and back
and forth

I love him,
I love him not

never in any one position
for long enough for it to matter

I am sorry
I know that this hurts you
(trust me, it hurts me too)

I hope that at some point soon
all the voices in my mind
that blow the pendulum to and fro
will kindly shut up

When I tell people
My dilemma-
To stay or to go-
It’s so simple to them

“Go forwards, not back”
“If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it”
“Do you love him, or are you in love?”
“Have new experiences, live your life”

I guess what I could spend
Hours and hours
And
Hours
Turning over in my head

Really isn’t so complicated
When you put it like that

Life is like
Making a baguette

It is about the process
(Though the end result is nothing to scoff at)

It takes work
And concentration

A focus and physicality
That brings a steady, simple joy

You will certainly mess up
But that’s okay,
That’s all part of the process

Fold it over
And try again

Make a bit of a mess
Find the beauty in it

Wait around a bit
Have a drink with friends
(Old and new)
While you wait

Et voilà!
There it is!
Bob appetit!
What a delight!

Outside the snow is swirling around
The bundled-up and the rosy cheeked
When they walk inside
Their glasses get all foggy

The fog slowly dissipates
Just to return again
When they take their first sip
of their steaming drink

The cold out there
makes it feel just that much warmer
in here

A tiny ounce of poison
dropped into a clear pool
A nasty, cold black
tainted a pure, bright blue

At first the drop stayed small
a speck that was barely there,
But with time the darkness grew
until poison was everywhere

The poison made me foggy
heavy and confused-
Are these thoughts I'm having really me
or are they really you?

But while the poison made a show
of having won the war
Little did it know
what a fight it had in store

For though my pool that was once blue
has turned completely black
I'm surrounded by other pools
bright, and poised for attack

They'll rain their light down onto me
they'll dump, oh, they'll pour
Until my darkened, poisoned pool
clears up more and more

For in the end, how could one think
or be tricked to believe
That a single, foul, pesky drop
could beat a tsunami?

Why is it that
the present
is so illusive?

sometimes all that's left to do
is surrender

The sun is coming out
And my heart is sputtering back to life

we're both human
I understand
I'm here

the good times are bound to come back soon

seeing their flaws
and loving them anyway

rules about what I can say
and what I cannot
are burying me alive

I can't breathe

let the storm blow past you
as though you're a tree
rooted deep in the earth

have faith in your roots

there are entire continents of my world
that you have yet to know

discover me

the moon and I both
go through phases

my light wanes and waxes
just like hers does

when my light is full,
boy,
I'm giddy with how much I love you

but when my light is small,
I'm so cold,
enveloped by the shadows

I'm sorry for my cold spells
I hope you know
those phases have nothing to do with you

but just like the moon has the sun
I have you

your light illuminates the world
which illuminates me

you light me up

do you ever feel alone
in a crowded room?

me too

I am more than what you see me as
I am more than the box you put me in
I am more than naive beliefs, happy days, and second chances

Do not look down on me.

I am a warrior
I have been beaten down
(More than you know)
And I've learned how to stand back up

My armor is made of compassion
and forgiveness
and love

It's what makes me strong

I too often bite my tongue
when I'm with you
and I'm not sure why

Maybe because I've learned
to not be bold
to not comment on such things
to be demure and appropriate

But forget that
you deserve to know

You're beautiful
You're handsome

In fact,
you're hot

Things were not perfect
they did not go to plan
but I hope that you
can understand

that perfection is not
what matters to me
it's that we're there for each other
through the vulnerability

I am scared
and I think you are too
but what counts is you've got me
and I've got you

they say that people are
a collection of their experiences
the sum of all the moments
that make up their life

I'm glad that so many of mine
have been spent with you

I like to look into your eyes
to see your heart and let you see mine

I like it when you squeeze my hand
it makes me smile and understand

That I love you and you love me
and together's where I want to be

I like it when you hold me
and pout your lips, smiling a little bit
and you look in my eyes
before stealing a kiss on my nose

It gives me butterflies
that leap and soar
because I'm so in love with you

I like the way you think
how you're thoughtful and measured
how you listen and remember
how you always try to do the right thing

It makes me feel safe
and grounded and at home
and so in love with you

I like every moment I spend with you
and I'm eager for more

when I think of you
my heart just about
bursts
with how much I love you

Truth be told
My heart was heavy for a little while
And the weight was so much
That I was too weak to see you

But it's getting lighter day by day
And I can see you now
And boy, do I love you
Boy, do I love you

I feel like when I fell for you
I fell onto another ledge
and this time
I'm petrified of falling off

I look off the edge
of my pleasant little peak
and what I see
terrifies me

Stories of heartbreak,
of betrayed trust
and unpredictable distance
surround me

I'm terrified of what you can do to me.

I love you
I love to be with you
and I want to be with you
and know you
more

But I'm too afraid to ask
or when I do ask
I feel like I messed up
because I don't want to ask anything of you

But I know better than that

Changing who I am
to be what I think others want me to be
gets me nowhere
and is disrespectful to myself

My worth exists outside of you

but I'm scared for the part of me
that I've given to you
and what could happen to me
if you take it for good.

not until I had to leave
did I realize
just how much
I missed you

you are a part of who I am
to go without you
is like to go without
a piece of my body

it's possible to survive for a bit
but the pain grows and grows
and soon enough I realize
it's too much to bear

and so I called you
and I told you
and I love you
and I love you

i don't think i can bear it

the idea of a life
lived in the service
of those
just barely
alive
is noble

but i don't think i can bear it

it hurts
it is
heartbreaking
to witness
such brokenness

the hurt is the kind that lingers
and seeps into all your crevices
and never leaves your side
like a shadow

i don't think i can bear it
even if i can help
to ease their hurt

i don't think i can bear it

Sometimes the distance
feels oh so wide
we're out of synch
walking along a divide

Those are the times
when I feel blue
I yearn and overthink,
and wonder if you do too

But sometimes we're strong
and push the distance away
for a moment or two
like we did yesterday

We were on the same beat
both really there;
togetherness can be
found anywhere

Those are the times
when my heart smiles
and remembers that love
can travel miles and miles

The regular usage
of certain adjectives
has diminished the fortitude
to which they are entitled

But I have found some things
that have taught me their true meaning
and merit their characterization
For instance,

One ought to reserve "breathtaking"
to describe the sunflower field
that I ran to, laughing, with friends
bursting with joyful yellows and grounding greens
as far as the eye can see
reaching, yearning for the light

One ought to reserve "incredible"
to describe the dance between the sky and the river
so beautiful that it truly is difficult to believe
the way the sky looks like a painting
brushed by the passion of an artist
and the way it is reflected by the river
which adds a twinkle as the water waltzes to and fro

One ought to reserve "awesome"
to describe the bustling city
that has beauty and history tucked into every corner
and that positively sparkles in the nighttime
the city in which you have no control over the smile that makes a home on your face
and the way your eyes hurry to take it all in

Je suis contente que j'ai appris
le sens de ces beaux mots
et que j'ai eu des moments
vraiment magnifiques

Regular consumption of art
Careful observation of the outdoors
A challenge with which to grapple
Café au lait
Walking as a mode of transportation
Learning through conversation
Documenting how you feel
Going the extra mile for others (when you don't have to)
Chocolate bars eaten in their entirety
Exaggerated French accents
Shedding your inhibitions and embracing your bravery
Loved ones

It is hard to believe
Just how beautiful
Life can be

it is astounding
how right you are for me

so much so
that I'm afraid of the possibility
of this coming to an end

When I heard another boy whistle
the tune you sang softly in my ear
as we watched Beauty and the Beast ,

When I walked by a pet store
just like the one we like to go to
full of new friends I know you would adore,

When I saw a navy blue cruise
sailing along Le Rhône
just like the one you will go on soon,

I missed you.

It's not all bad
These things made me think of you
and thoughts of you make me so happy

They're just mixed
with a bit of melancholy these days

Because it's been a while since I've seen you
and it will be a while until I do again

But at the very least
I know that I love you
and that you love me
and when we're together again
I'll tell you all about these things
that made me think of you

I can't wait