today the past paid me a visit
the sweet, wonderful past

the past that is Coolidge Corner:
skipping through the rose garden,
giggling arm in arm with him;
walking through the swirling snow
to go cuddle in the soft blue bed with Espo;
taking big, satiating inhales and exhales
flowing with others at the studio;
laughing ourselves to tears
around mismatched cups and decks of cards;
fumbling through the scary road to our dreams,
hoping, holding, celebrating one another.

the past that is magical New York:
where I learned how to find myself
and find a sense of home in the park, in my friend, in runs and yoga and walks to sweet music.

the past that is my California home:
a home that no longer is the same,
but held so much growth and beauty.

Gratitude overwhelms me
the past is an unexpected, but beloved visitor

She helps me remember
just how quickly life changes
and to try to soak in the present
for it is unbelievably sweet
and holds pieces of the past
that I am so lucky to behold

salty tears spill over my eyelids
i have spent so long resisting them,
scolding them, lashing myself
telling myself i am broken
for having a soft exterior
with cracks that allow life to slip through

but what if this is part of my beauty?
what if isn't wrong to feel
every morsel of life that it has to give?
what if it means i can understand you?
what if it means i can help somebody
feel more seen, and less afraid?
what if it means i am just being my version
of alive?

i will try to soften
around these cracks of mine
and have compassion,
love,
for these parts of who i am

i feel like a piece of my brain is missing
some critical set of synapses
that soothes and calms
lives within you

I will always fill the pantry
with your favorite snacks to eat

I will always rub your back
when you need help going to sleep

I will always take your call
and hold space for what you need

I will always do my best
to love you, unconditionally

You give me patience
and time

You can hold steady
while I spin

what did I do to deserve you?

it's no secret now
that demons dance inside me

usually they're quiet
but sometimes they get too loud

you've come too close
for me to hide

i am so ashamed
so scared

i don't love these parts of me
so how could you?

my throat constricts
my stomach shrinks and turns
my shoulders curl, tense
my fingers compulsively claw
at the skin around my nails

the thought of you
feeling how you feel for me
for somebody else
makes
me want
to
crawl
out
of
my
body