Dear Sophie,
I should apologize.
for the way the sun shone in your eyes the day we met
It wasn’t love
Not at first,
not at last.
I should apologize
for the way I held your hand
so tenderly
like you were the one afraid of the world,
I should apologize for the kisses
for the car windows
for lying to your mom
I’m sorry.
For all the times I told you I was busy
I wasn’t.
You should have fallen in love with someone else
I deserved better
You should have fallen in love with someone else
You deserved better
You deserved better than a voicemail
than generated replies
than robotic tones
and transparent lies
Dear Sophie,
I should apologize
for the way the sun shone in your eyes the day we met
because I fell in love with it,
without realizing there were days
It wouldn’t shine.

baby, its not ******* pretty
the way i havent showered in, i think, going on a week?
it's not beautiful, the way my hair snarls around my fingers when i try to make myself look half-decent
it's not pretty or poetic or deep when
i cant get out of bed in the morning
it isnt tragically beautiful when i hurt myself to feel something
anything
depression isnt pretty
or poetic
or lovely
depression isnt pretty girls with long hair who cry in window seats next to rainy gray days
it's me.

Recovery
A long road
Tough, but
Worth traveling.
Even the worst days in recovery are better than the best days encompassed in an eating disorder.

You
Are not a man.
You are not worth
My mercy
Or my words how dare you
Touch him
With your hands filthy
Threaten to beat the **** out of
My lover?
If he doesn’t give you his cell phone you
*******
Or else he could give you
A ten minute *******
And escape with his life
And his bones intact
But not with his dignity
Not without ***** rising in his mouth and pain shooting through his body and reaching deep into the cracks that I have slowly been helping him heal
You are
Not worth my mercy
Or my words and
If I had my way you
Would be
Sitting pretty under my knife
If I had my way I would have my
Sadistic revenge.
Your bones
Are going to look so good
As earrings.

i did
the thing i said
i would never do again it's
dripping
down my arm
summer's coming
so i went up
on my shoulder
where nobody could see i
thought i
was gonna
be clean but
i cant
i'm not good enough

Dear, please, listen to what I’m saying I know you don’t want to hear me say that I care. Sweetheart, don’t convince yourself that you are anything but lovely, please don’t let your skin become a sheet of paper but if you do, please come to me and let me see and let me hold you and let me fix it. My dear, your hair is wild, reaching up for the sky trying to fly you away but please never think that it is only prevented by the number on the scale, please never listen to protruding ribcages and Cassie Ainsworth. Darling, you do not need to love yourself in order to have other people love you, and anyone who truly loves you will help you learn to love your own sweet self. And sweetness, your kiss is like chocolate and your fingertips are like sunshine, your tears are like icicles that fall from the roof and every drop that soaks into your bedspread is like an icy dagger pressing against my chest. Baby, you put on your armor- your MCR t-shirt, your crop-top, your baggy jeans, your thrift-store hoodie, your high-waisted shorts. Put on that armor my love because nobody should ever make you feel bad for feeling good. Everything passing through that beautiful head of yours is worthy, valid, real.
everything you are is something for me to love.