I don't really know why I try anymore.

The long phone calls,
the smiles and laughter,
you telling me how much you love
talking to me.

It burrows deep in my stomach-
the warmth, I mean,
and it begs to be expressed
with a hug
or a kiss
perhaps.

But you're older than I am,
and your laughter makes me feel
important, almost.
You tell me to live each day as if
it were my last
yet you can't see
that it took all my courage to ask you
to that stupid movie thing
at school.

And your voice
makes me smile.

But you want to know something?
I'm tired.
I'm tired of basing my emotions
on how other people think of me
even though somehow
I can't stop it.

So instead,
I'll take your smile,
your laughter,
the other girls whispering to me
"I know he likes you"
and your careful denial,
wrap it all up in shiny paper,
and place it under the Christmas tree
of trying to be
someone you'll want to remember.

If I asked you
if you'd maybe like to try something
some time,
would you say yes?

Because honestly I've been looking
and I've been spending time
and you're really cute,
and I just...

Your answer is probably no,
and I know I should say something
anyway, just in case it's not,
but would you even care?

I don't even know for sure if I'm into you
and it's kind of childish to stay quiet
and I know that,
I kind of wish I knew for sure.

I don't know if you'll ever see this
and even if you do
you won't know who it's for
and that's probably best.

So please ignore this poem
because it's not even really a poem-
it's my rambling
of things I'm too scared to say.

I'm just putting it here
because I don't know how else to get it out
because I can't talk
to people about this in person.

I saw you today.

I'm starting to get tired of wasting my time
hoping for something that will never be.

I can still hear your voice ringing in my ears
hours after you have gone.

Is that crazy?

I feel crazy.

I can still see your eyes light up
when you smile.

Sometimes I wish it was me
making you smile.

But that's okay.

It's all okay.

I'm going to keep my distance
even though that never seems to work.
I'm just glad
I saw you today.

I love pretending
like I can breathe in this
cloud of insecurity.

It's just wonderful watching
the people I'm talking to
walk off
without even saying goodbye.

Of course I enjoy
listening to my mother cry
and trying to offer up what I can
on a silver platter that
never seems
shiny enough.

No, I'm not anxious at all
sitting alone in the quiet
waiting for the phone to ring
or a text to pop up
saying "pack a bag."

My life is all sunshine,
rainbows,
puppies,
loud music,
sleepless nights
waiting by the phone
in case that emergency
I've been dreading
finally appears.

Honestly,
when I say that I love you
I mean it.
I don't throw those words around
like how a hurricane throws the trees.
I keep those words sacred.

When I say I love you
I mean it
from here
to looping around the stars and back
even if it seems like
I'm saying it just to say it
I really do
love you.

It doesn't matter how
or why, or when it happened-
all you need to know
is that you mean the world to me.

Yes, it's true you're not the only one
I love in this way,
but each and every person
is loved differently, too.

Some need to be held
and others just listened to.
Maybe they need me to smile
even if smiling feels impossible
but I do it because I love them.

I love many people
in many different ways
and I mean it with everything I have
when I smile and say
"Honestly,
I love you"

Sometimes I wonder if
this is truly worth the time.

Is it necessary
to constantly be breathing?
It's horrible I have to ask
yet I do wonder sometimes

how many hearts would break
how many tears would actually fall
who would want to hold me
like they never did while I was here?

It's horrible, I know
but it's reasonable to wonder
yet the sad part is
sometimes I feel like
nobody would.

Maybe if I don't finish
all the food on my plate,
maybe if I can bring back
the desire to do anything
it takes to be the way I want to look,
maybe if I can just hold out
one day longer

Maybe then I will be somebody
that everybody wants to,
needs to know.
Maybe then my mind will feel at peace
resting inside this body
that doesn't need any more
of that crap.

Maybe then they'll think I'm beautiful.

Or maybe I should just shut up
because the more I talk about how I feel,
the more it seems like people shouldn't care.
"We love you" they say
but I can see in their eyes
I can hear it in their voices
that they're lying.

And maybe I need to learn to love myself
before they can love me,
but that's a lot to ask
when the person who should love themselves
can't even stand
to look in the mirror.