I’m not sorry
That I loved you with everything I had
That I gave you every inch of my soul
That I loved you more than I knew could exist
That I made love to you one last time
Despite everything that had happened

I’m not sorry
That I wasn’t stronger after we lost the baby
That I fell apart when everything had come together
That I cracked and revealed all the ways we were broken
That I could not be the rock for us
Even though you couldn’t either

I’m not sorry
That I was myself
That I would not walk on eggshells
That I would not be disrespected
That I had and opinion and a voice
Even though it made you leave

I am sorry for the pieces of me you could not love
I am sorry we ended when we said forever
I am sorry that we never got our family
I am sorry I let you down in any way that I did
I am sorry that love turned out to be conditional.
Even though I never thought it was.

Clouds of Ash
                      soot
                          cinders
­smoother our lungs, and choke our souls

My blaze, once contained
                                          loving
      ­                                           warm
Erupted into something wild,
Something burning completely out of control.

Ive seared every inch of you to blisters
                                                        ­         to bleeding
                                                        ­                      to exhaustion.

I took, unwaveringly so, to feed my flames,
to feed their insatiable destruction.

My love and passion, once demonstrated, turned
                                                     to madness
                                         to deafening
                                  to draining

Fire took ever inch of us.
I watch now helplessly as the Ash disintegrates
                 taking to the wind
                 dissolving in the air

The Earth, our foundation now lies scorched
                                                        ­              seared
                                            ­                                   and baren.

                          I desperately pray for rain, or a mighty Phoenix
                                     ANYTHING to regenerate the beauty
                                                          ­ the growth.
                                     I desperately pray, for a second chance
                                                          ­    from you.

I built my own cage,
                      I’m the designer of
                                     my own prison

I twisted the metal till my hands bled
working every wire into a bar
I fastened every bolt and every *****
meticulously trapping myself there

I marked you as my salvation
and the truth is you were only a
                           figment of my imagination
I controlled this place
you were not my executioner
     and I’m free to leave
              so free

but i can’t

if you asked me to stay
I would be dammed to say no

one cadence
          one word
              one syllable
    stay.

thats all the effort you’d ever have to put in
tell me that magic phrase
Ill lock this door behind me
               forever.

Bitterness beseeches every
          GROTESQUE
                             Inch    of     me

Thoughts of your light enveloping
my existence in a
         condemnation
of
    sabotaging
                      dreams.

I am the dark queen, and you,
you are my ghost.

Haunting me perilously.

The destruction of my kingdom is welcomed.
        Dismantle
                Decimate
                        Destroy.
Poison me with ANY
                                    Affliction.
I welcome the cardinal sins of my evocations.
Blasphemy of my soul
Awakened and stripped
Of us, leaving me
Welcoming the blackness.

The words echo in my mind
                 read a hundred times
                          Over and over
every parallel burdens me.

I was once captivated by your words,
                              the uniqueness in your voice

somberly I feel the despair in pressing
                                         every
                                             word
                                to my lips

I foolishly thought my self a rose,
          but only a daisy
                in a field
                    I am.


                                 Cherishing moments of repetition,
                                    Deliberately restated without hesitation.

I’m cancer, can’t you realize this?
        Toxic and out of control.
You don’t need me, you’ll need chemotherapy.
        Why don’t you run?
                You need to run.

Those innocent glassy eyes
Staring in my direction with anticipation.
        Why me?
I’m ugly on the inside.
        Black with decay, and broken dishes.
I’m despicable and disastrous.

You have nothing to gain from me
        But everything to lose.
I will sink my teeth into your heart
        only to heal my own
                leaving you brittle and broken.

Why won’t you head my warning?
I’m a giant caution sign, but here you sit.
        You must want to be abused and dismantled.
                Do you think you will enjoy this brand of torture?

Do you think there is something deeper?
                                                        T­heres not.
I’m cancer.
        I’m hate.
                I’m full of black decay.
                        I’m ugly when you crack me open.
That’s all I’ll ever be.

I've felt guilt
and I've felt shame.
Never together but
both the same.
Blankly stare with
hope from Sane,
trapped in this prison
bundled in blame.
I've felt guilt
and I've felt shame,
both together and
never the same.

Maybe I'll date him.
That guy who looks like
you.
Maybe when he laughs he'll get
those dimples just like
yours.
Maybe I'll get lucky and
he'll smell just like
you.

Maybe the way he will look at
me will be the same as
you.
Maybe even the cigarettes he smokes
will be the exact same as
yours.
Maybe I'll get lucky and
get to date another
you.

His eyes are different than yours though.
They're not brown like yours.
His hair doesn't fall just right like yours
either.

But maybe he'll be enough like you.
Maybe when I close my eyes I can pretend its you
again.
They'll all just be place holders for you anyway...
Maybe... I should just go to another Starbucks.

Spinning in circles
Breathing your scent
Warmed by your love.

You mean everything. Everything.
I will love you through anything. Anything.

My soul is yours and the canter of our union rises
We belong to each other
a thousands times over. Forever.

You please me, in everything.
I love you.

We are not the mistakes we’ve made.
We are the love we give each other.

We are not the problems that we face.
We are stronger together.

I try to be logical
I try to feel normal
I do everything I can to stop

but as the insanity takes hold I feel myself
      spiraling
            spiraling
                  in­to oblivion
Where I once met you

You were a salvation
but now I lay here
comatose on our floor

Once bathed in love
Once cemented by commitment

breaks

            spins

down

Barely breathing I wait
                              forever I'll wait

The cold runs through me, the beating slows to a stop.
                                          Stagnate.

Ill do anything for you
But move from this position

this. position.

Im here. Here until the end.

I couldn’t move if I tried. No one exists but you!
      broken.
            feeble.
                  I love you.

No one can move me, but you.

I can't stop seeing you
I wish I could look away…
Look anywhere but your face…
Anywhere but those deep brown eyes

The loneliness is surrounding my heart
Im drowning in despair while the tears
gather 'round my chin, pouring out
hot from my soul
A soul being torn into pieces
without its mate…

You were my constant addiction
My muse for all things of passion
You soothed my nerves.
We were each others drug
We destroyed one another completely

Now we are ghost to each other
Once soul mates…
Passionately loving the other with
the fiercest of intent
Now our ashes blow in the wind
Carrying us away for ever.

I am alone. All alone
I wish it were not the case,
I would have let you in, I would have, I swear!

You were to be my salvation!
You were to break my shackles and free my soul...
You watched as the demons burned me, as they tore
off pieces of flesh and left me void and damaged

I wish I could love you like I should
I wish you could love me like you had
Once upon a time
Before the monsters under the bed
Became the reality of our time.

I would give you the world on a silver platter
with a golden spoon, if only I had the option.
If only that arm were still left
If only that heart still pumped

I teeter on the edge
of salvation and desolation
my soul in a constant struggle,
while the ghost cheer on in the circle.

The abuse of those demons,
Well they left me in a pretty dark place
I wish I could have been stronger
I wish the effects were less

But my body is littered in scares, seen only from hell
and the halo was left for me to choke on from heaven.

I feel the cold
The cold of the edge touch
The heat of my essence

pain is my aggressor
you ghost are my sorrow

hot pours down my face
and a change in my chest burns
wilting and withering

Without my ghost
With out my future

I have no sanctity or salvation
dragging it slowly
offers the most retribution

repenting to the gods
for the dancing dragons on the walls

the dragons see it all
but their smoke will never tell

Pacing the corridor
I see your face
In every turn
In every break

The ghost of my lover
The ghost of my friend

Please follow me
The bleakness of this colorless life
will break me with out you
desperation is devolution

My ghost I need you
Your vibration is evident

The change in my chest
The cringe in my body
The heat quickly leaving every fiber

Its hot… It hurts
the pain is deafening

We all have wolves,
Hidden beneath our sheep.
A smile concealing
The debilitating anguish
That consumes every cell.

Laughter choking the soul
With vines of self loathing and contempt.
Enduring every second of
Soul shredding agony
Thinking of you bestows
Upon me.

The ghost of your love
Haunting every thought.
Blades slicing every inch of flesh
bleeding me dry would be
Welcomed.

If only to forget you...
For only a moment...

Dear ghost of a lover,
Sweet, angelic thoughts.
Temptation in its most swelling form.
Haunt me, please haunt me?
Haunt my thoughts, and my experiences...
Just be there.

Desperation clinging to every vibration.
Vibrations devoid of you, of your presence.
Decadent ghost of a stranger I must
Forget.

Victim to my salvation.
Deserter of my desperation.
Lover from a lifetime ago.
Seek me. Your vengeance of
Silence is too cruel.
The emptiness consumes me.