XslyfoxX

XslyfoxX May 2020

Holy

Nothing ever seems to change.
Prayer after prayer and I'm exactly the same.
Scoffing at the idea that I'll ever be holy.

Ive emptied the contents of my stomach
while kneeling on the floor
As many times as I've been at the foot of a pulpit
But I'm still ******* up and my remorse just doesn't do it.

It's never been enough for me to change.

I confess,
I'm selfish and abusive
to my soul for my amusement.
Nothing ever seems to change.

Burn me alive for ten thousand years
and I'll never change.
My regrets haven't meant a thing.

I can't accept that I'm this selfish
but my heart isn't whole again.

Each person affected for my brief moment of pleasure.
Not joy, not love, not need. - Just pleasure.

I want to be better.
I swear I just don't know how.
Someone please show me how.
Because my prayers are bouncing off the shower walls.

the past couple years since I've written anything Ive been really testing my wife and her limits. Ive been accused of awful things and lost my job based on both correct and incorrect information. I'm spiraling and I'm ashamed of they way I've acted and treated loved ones and total strangers simply because I am selfish. This poem isn't necessarily intended to be my best work or even to be "good" by anyones opinion. It's the best way I know how to communicate the fact that I realize my past mistakes over the last 4 years and can't seem to shake the immaturity or the just awful, sinful, and evil nature in my heart. I wish I was a normal man with normal issues that I could hide, but being exposed and judged by people who used to respect me and I long to have a relationship with again has destroyed me. I don't want to be known for the things I'm known for by people I used to look at as brothers. I also don't want to be thought of the way I am by total strangers and people who I haven't spoken with in years. This is unfortunately what happens when I acted out in disgusting ways without considering the consequences it would have on my life and more importantly the people who I involved.
I don't think I even know what love is but:
I love you.

#depressed #disgusting #sin #holy #ugly #questioning #wondering #friends #xfoxspeakx

XslyfoxX Aug 2019

Old Friend

Catch me on a string and watch me fly.
So I can cast the shadow once in my life.

I’ll fall and let you cast your shade
And you won’t lift me back up because you know I’ll fail - again.

If I’m not who I thought
And I’m not who you told yourself I could be
Then who is the liar you or me?

Everything is meaningless when you’re not here.
There are no images in the sky
No constellations.
But I guess just my negative perspective.

Am I singing to the sky?
Am I alone in this fight?
Do I have to wait?
Am I locked away?

XslyfoxX Jul 2019

I’m Not so unique

I’m sure I take away every victory you thought you had.
You told yourself you could hate me enough to make you regret.
But you can’t hold on so tightly
I hate myself more than you ever could.

I hate being trapped in my skin.
I hate not being free.
I hate not being able to love
Anything but the sinfulness in me.

I harm everything I touch.
I lost my will to live.
I just carry on existing.
oxygen is all I have.

I can’t even hold onto God.
I don’t know why He wants me.
I’m slipping through His fingers.
I just want my life to cease.

XslyfoxX May 2019

Just some thoughts

3 years ago I acted like a complete idiot.
I lost a lot of respect from people I cared about and I lost some good friends. I lost my music and the greatest love of my life. All in a matter of minutes.
Those repercussions are still felt today.
A farewell show with all included and invited but me.
To some this is trivial. To some this may sound pathetic.
But to me, it was everything.
Today, I woke up a broken boy. I feel just as broken as I did in 2016. I feel just as directionless and meaningless as I did then. I feel like my chance at closure, my chance at redemption, and my chance to feel alive the way I used to one more time, is officially and definitively gone in a way i will never know again.
I don’t have a poem in my head, I don’t have any songs in my heart.
Once again, I hold only shame, regret, remorse, anger, and self hate.
I knew your name.
Now we’re just strangers.
I am dead.

XslyfoxX Mar 2019

Sharpest light//darkest night

A light flickers for five seconds.
A light goes dark.
A light shines for five seconds.
A light goes dark.
All is light, all is dark.
All is scene, all is lost.

In all the light, all I see is you.
In deepest dark, all I seek is you.
When the light blinds my eyes,
You’re what brings me sight.
When darkness steals my eyes,
You’re presence holds me tight.
Through sharpest light, and darkest night.

With love - slyfox

#love #darkness #light #eternal #heart #slyfox #foxspeak #ambiguity #torn #bring

XslyfoxX Jan 2019

Sick.

I'm so sick of never changing
No matter how much I pray.
This thorn in my side
never goes away.

God forgive me.

I'm so hollow.
There's nothing I can hold on to.
There's nothing inside keeping be together.
It's a bitter pill to swallow.

spit me from your mouth.
I'm the water that never quenches thirst.
Stitch my palms together,
but crucify me first.

God forgive me.

Force me to pray.
Force my lungs to scream Your name.
Force my heart to boil blood
and push the hell away from me.

I'm every broken promise
wrapped tightly inside skin.
I'm the embodiment of each and every
unforgiven sin.

Tear the flesh from my bones,
strip away all my grave clothes.
A white-washed tomb of my design
is my dark and lonely home.

God forgive me.
God forgive me.

#christian #sin #alone #sad #sinner #sick #bible #depression #lonely #help

XslyfoxX Nov 2018

Weight

Oh to taste your love.
Oh to feel your warmth.

My bones break as I struggle to carry a persistent weight.
Pounds on my back, increase with each breath, every step I take.
I haven’t tried to bury my past and I fear its too late
I fear its going to last.
Can I be lifted to heaven?
Is it me or the baggage Im burying?
The bride of Christ but is it me or the pain you’re marrying?
Do you love me now? How could you?
Ive been mourning for years, no use pushing down tears.
The earth still turns, but Im still here.

#christian #shame #depression #doubt #weight #sad #christ