XslyfoxX

XslyfoxX Nov 2018

Weight

Oh to taste your love.
Oh to feel your warmth.

My bones break as I struggle to carry a persistent weight.
Pounds on my back, increase with each breath, every step I take.
I haven’t tried to bury my past and I fear its too late
I fear its going to last.
Can I be lifted to heaven?
Is it me or the baggage Im burying?
The bride of Christ but is it me or the pain you’re marrying?
Do you love me now? How could you?
Ive been mourning for years, no use pushing down tears.
The earth still turns, but Im still here.

#christian #shame #depression #doubt #weight #sad #christ

XslyfoxX Oct 2018

It’s Not Easy

Is it easy to love?
Is it easy to be?
I may never know,
Swallowing that word- till I choke.

Oh to love that way,
So the world
Could not tear me away.
Will I ever live to see that day?

It’s easy to accuse.
To push away
And abuse.
My darling I’m sorry,
This is a life I did not choose.

I would give all I have
To be able to choose you.
To love you.
To need you.
I hate myself,
And that’s all I know,
It’s all I can do.

I do love you.
So it breaks my heart
I can’t take it.
Because I love you.
So deep my flesh can’t take it.

I can take a blade
It can take the scars,
It can take those pills
It can take me tearing it apart.

I pray to God,
I swear to God,
I pray to God to strengthen
My shallow heart
And let me truly love you.

XslyfoxX Sep 2018

It’s been a while

God it’s been a while

How long since I prayed?
How long since I reached out?
How long since I called you
Sincerely?

You were the whisper in my head,
A light beside my bed
The nights I wished I was dead.

So tell me.
Where does the Hope go
Every time I lift my eyelids.

When will the sensation end?
I find myself forcing breath out of my lungs.

I wake up, angry that I did.
Now I’m afraid to fall asleep.

XslyfoxX Sep 2018

Life is what you make it

I spent the last two years
On a leather couch
Pouring my heart out.
Week after week after week.
It makes me weak and my future
Seems no less bleak.

So can you leave me be?
‘Cause there’s no saving me.
Won’t take a doctor to see,
I’ll never be there mentally.

15 years ago I was slicing my arms
Covering up with sleeves.
I hate myself now more than I ever did
And when blood came out,
Shame seeped into me.

I’ll cut my ears off if hear that
“Life is what you make it”
This point in life I
Wish i has the guts to take it

Dress up my body,
Then just bury me.

Who am I that I deserve to share
The air with doctors, and lovers
And people worth a ****.

A bag of useless bones
Losing to manic-depression
Is all I really am.

I can’t even cry.
Has it even hit me,
That there hasn’t been,
And there still is no saving me?

#sad #depression #help #wow #super

XslyfoxX Aug 2018

My End

I let go.

I let go of her each time I sin.
I run away and close my eyes
And wake to the disgusting place I’m in.
I’ll never be good enough for her
And she doesn’t know.
Every sick thought through my head
When she goes.
You name the sin and I did it.
Can You take the shame while I’m in it?
Can you show me grace when I run to my always.

You search my heart and you see all I am.
You see the sin, and shame, the anger and hate.
God why do you say come when I can’t?
You know that I can’t.
I can’t see when it’s light out,
Because your grace isn’t enough to cover my doubt.
So I’m blind when your glory can show me the way.
So I’m crying and all the tears in my body can’t wash the pain away.
So I took those pills to change it.
I took those pills and they chased it.
All those people I talked to couldn’t see me OD in my basement.
All I wanted was the mercy of my brains splattered on the pavement.

I wish I could hear you.
God I wish I felt like I could come anywhere near you.
Jesus I wish I could do more than fear you.
I wish you could take the wheel and put my depression in the rear view.

Honestly I’d be fine leaving the world behind today.
I’d be fine if I didn’t have the strength to fight
And death broke down my door and took my life away,

XslyfoxX Jun 2018

I Hate Myself

I’ve grown envious of everyone,
Anyone who’s died in cruel and unusual ways.
At the hands of monsters.
Or at the hands of themselves.
I strangle myself,
Trying to do so much, as pray for the strength,
To take myself out that same way.
So I stay praying.

I’ve seen someone,
That someone is me.
In hell.
becoming a much darker version of myself.
There are moments of revisiting each and every mistake
I ever made.
Moments of perfect clarity.
I hate myself.
Then and now.
Please God, make it go away.
Or make it me, make it me who disappears.
I love You as hard as I can.
And I hate myself for it.
Every second of every day.
Do you love me?
My deepest regrets aren’t mistakes I made.
Or chances I took.
They are every breath I’ve taken post-birth.

#depressed #sad #alone #god #prayer

XslyfoxX Mar 2018

Don’t know

I’m having trouble falling asleep
When I do, I am ambushed by the worst of dreams.
Lonely, lonely me.

I’m afraid to reach my arms out
I’m terrified you may just touch.
I’m ashamed of my filth in the presence
Of the Holy One.

So I pray
Though I resist
Would you take me in your arms.
If I fall or cry or shake,
Wrap me in those arms.

I want to be one with you
I want to be one with you.
Let me be one with you.
I want to be one with you.

Keep me company
Keep me company- oh my Lord.
Like a withering rose
In winter
Comforted by the sun.

You are my shade
You are my warmth.
You are my blood
And you are my heart.

While my grave clothes fall away.
You have called me into day.
My colors start to fade
Into the portrait you will paint.

I want to be one with you.
I want to be one with you.
Let me be one with you.
I want to be one with you.