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Allyssa Jun 2017
I know that I have killed myself a thousand times in my head,
Never fully grasping the concept of leaving.
I do not know when the thoughts started,
I guess they've always been there,
Whispering and taking turns rotting my brain into the landfill of decay and broken thoughts.
No longer the pink fleshy muscle that sat presently in my head.
It had turned to tar,
Black and thick,
            R
               U
              N
               N
             I
            N
              G
Dripping,
Suffocating the light away from the open cracks where creativity once flowed through.
Unfathomable, the thought of dying, ceasing to exist.
What have I become?
Existentialism is hard to grasp
Allyssa Jun 2017
It is the pain in my heart that has saddled onto my chest like a stallion ready to ride into battle.
Except this horse is no more and the reins are rotten and the animal itself is in pain.
It's crying.
What do you do to a beautiful animal when it's in pain?
You put it out of its misery.
Is that what I am to be?
An animal, worked so hard and rugged that the pain is so much that I cannot ride into the war of life that is yet waiting for me to vanquish,
Am I not ready for the medal I am to win for the life I have conquered and it's enemies I had slain?
Am I not ready for the news that my soldiers in battle have lost their way beside me onto a path of their own so that their bravery was no more than the shield I have given them to hide behind?
My stallion, my heart, my pain, my chest, it is rotten.
For the years I have come head first into battle, it does not matter anymore.
For the pain that resides in my chest,
My beautiful stallion, you're done.
Thank you for being the courage I needed, the strength you had offered me,
The love I needed,
And the friend I relied upon when I had none.
My soldiers,
My fleet,
My friends.
They have perished
And so has their captain.
I'm on the verge of losing this battle.
Allyssa Jun 2017
I saw a funeral today.
Passing cars,
Flashers flashing,
The crying of passengers,
Pulled over cars in the small county of dwindling residents born here.
I wonder,
Oh I wonder,
Does the widow cry at night?
Does the husband mourn?
When did they pass?
The train of cars became too long,
A loved member of that family.
Did they say goodbye?
Can I say goodbye?
Kissing the window to send my love to your deceased,
I pray your heart isn't so heavy and your knees aren't too weak.
I hope your love for them was strong,
I hope their smile was amazing,
For I do not know how to grieve so when I say,
"It's going to be okay,"
I mean it.
I do not know how to grieve.
I speak of a heart wrenching pain so strong,
Numbness has washed over me.
My empathy,
My love,
Goes to you.
Entrust in it, cherish it, grow from it.
My condolences.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Allyssa Jun 2017
Maybe two years ago I would feel the need to tell you,
"I love you."
Maybe a year ago I would have felt like you were the breath in my lungs when all of the air was knocked out of me.
Maybe a couple of months ago I realized you weren't good for me.
Maybe a couple of weeks ago when the *** burned in my stomach,
My head over a toilet,
Trying to drink away the thought of you,
I would've called to say,
"I hate you."
It was the alcohol that made me realize that it's unhealthy for me and
So
            Are
                          You.
It's burn made me dizzy after my sixth cup of chugging,
Of forgetting,
Of consuming.
I know I'm over you,
But the nightmares won't stop.
I'm over you but the nightmares about you won't stop.
  Jun 2017 Allyssa
Ash Rose
closed off from the world
in a room with her thoughts and regrets
she felt felt so lonely in crowded places

her friends always told her,
"hold on a little longer"
but she dreamed of a world
without any pain or hurt or tears

how quickly she'd go and stay
unnoticed but not alone
real life isn't like the movies
she told herself as she held back tears

love, the bittersweet enemy
idolized and envied by naive
keeping quiet her heart screams
with hate and anger
how easy it is to see the way
it tears her down
yet without that hidden place to hide in
she falls apart

crimson covering the bitter memory
of that one little promise
broken with one quick-spoken word

she can't seem to run
away from all the lies
but the truth is a blade
held to her wrist with her shaking hand
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