It’s my first time.
The words. Hanging off my tongue.
He’s the first. He’s special.
We’ve been together for so long time.
I’m nervous. Terrified. Ecstatic.
It’s not his first. He’s done it. Before he met me.

I didn’t know what this was. At first.
This feeling. Bubbling in my chest.
The loud pounding. Only when he’s around.
I’m afraid. What if he hears it?
I want to tell him. I need to.
Will he hate me? Like the others?

He knows who I am. What I am.
He doesn’t care. He loves me for me.
But his love is different than mine.
It’s the love of a friend. It’s how he sees me.
All I’ve ever been is a friend. Since forever.
If only it was different, he could be mine.

“I love you,” I tell him. Stuttering out the words.
We are laying on my bed. Playing games.
His face blank. Silent. Is that bad or good?
I tried to cover it up. Saying as a friend.
But it didn’t come out. He stopped me.
Pulling me to him. To his chest. His heart.

A hush washed over us.
I couldn’t see his face. He wouldn’t let me.
“What?” He whispered. His hot breath caressing my ear.
Shivers run down my spine. I wish time would stop.
“Say it again.” What? I’m confused. Does that mean…?
No. Don’t get your hopes up. It could be nothing.

Again but slower. Muffled by his shirt.
His hold tightens. Stealing my breath.
“Again.” I obeyed. Over and over.
He never said it back. I didn’t mind.
My feelings were finally made clear.
Weight lifted. I’m finally free.

He releases me. My eyes catch a glimpse of his face.
A dark blush covered it. His own orbs were glazed with… desire?
That can’t be right. It must be a trick of the light.
He leans forward. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
His lips brush mine. I was captured. Enraptured
Fiery. Hot. Passionate. Demanding. Love.

I can’t fall anymore. Pull away. I need to.
I’m losing myself. We stayed for what felt like hours.
Until the need for air became too much.
Our lips undo themselves. Gasping for air.
Confusion took over. He taking me in circles. Dizzy.
The words refused to leave. No amount of sputtering would make them.

At last, he spoke. His words flew through my ears.
No. I must have heard him wrong. “Again,” I say.
He obeys. It’s what he said the first time.
“Again.” He does. Over and over.
Impossible. We are the same. Men.
He’s always been with the opposite. Girl.  

I jump to him. Tumbling to the bed. Laughing.
My lips catch his. Twisting and turning.
His tongue slides in as does mine. Deepening.
Hands sliding up shirts. Down pants.
His words play over. Never ending.
“I love you too.”

I walked in blind –
yet all I find
Is a gaping hole
In my heart.

I jumped in fast –
and all I asked
Was that you wouldn’t
leave me scarred.

I leapt in trust –
that there was still us.
Guess I wasn’t
smart enough.

TEARS.
Tears are all that I remember from that day.
I remember my head hurting after I was done letting all my EMOTION pour out and that you were gone.
That day was mostly filled with TEARS, SCREAMING, and PAIN.
That day, you left.

I tried to make them STOP but they had a mind of their own and so did you apparently.
WHY?
Why did you cause me so much pain?
You’re the reason for my ABANDONMENT issues.

The THOUGHT of someone leaving me again reminds me of that day and I start to cry OVER, and OVER, and OVER again.
I don’t want anyone to leave me the way you did,
with NO goodbye, NO regret, and NO tears.
TEARS.
Tears are all that I remember from that day.

“I never wanted you and I never will, you *****!”
He calls her all these names but does he have anything to back it up? She never once went behind his back, and no matter how he treated her, she still loved him. That was all over when he crushed her world and sent her back to reality. Those words. Those loathsome words that cascaded from his mouth. She still has the nightmares. Nightmares that had her screaming for help. She can still feel the pain. Pain from the bruises and cuts he gave her. She tries to forget and move on but that seems impossible! Why did he do this to her?

“I love you.” Lair! His lies overwhelmed her, tricking her weak heart.
“I hate you!” She thought it was the truth but she knew she wasn’t fooling anybody.
“I want you.” No, he wants to control her, make her into his little doll.
“Leave me alone!” She says this over and over yet why does her heart keep denying it?
“I miss you.” No! He misses his obedient toy.
“Stop, that hurts!” He never listened to her. He just continued to beat her.

The memory of him will never go away, even if she wishes it away.

“Our love was just a game filled with lies.”
The lies he told. The lies she believed. Her head is only filled with his lies and won't consign to oblivion. How… how could he do this to her? “I loved you!” Were those warm smiles, that would brighten even her darkest days, fake too? “What happened to us?”
"Why are you always so happy? You gotta learn your place! It ****** me off how you're always happy!" Drew slammed his fist on Lucy's cheek, sending her into the wall.
"I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Pl-please stop!" Lucy cried.
"I do this out of love."

“You are such a *****!”
She was pure and had no experience in love, he was well aware of that. She thought it was true love and they would live happily ever after, but then reality struck her and she remembered the cruelness of reality.
"Drew can I get a job?" Lucy asked.
"No. Why would you even ask that? You wouldn't be able to keep up and no one would want to look at your ugly face." Drew sneered.
"W-well I thought it could get m-me my own money and stuff..." Lucy muttered.
"What, I don't make enough for you street rat?!" Drew hissed. "Listen to me you *****, I picked your *** off the street and now you want a job because I can’t make enough money? I think you need to be taught a lesson."
"N-no I didn't mean l-like that!" Lucy cried out. Drew ignored her and started just beating on her. "P-please stop!" Lucy cried. She was bawling. The tears just didn't stop. She didn't know what hurt worse, the punches or the words.
"Next time, appreciate what I do for you, you *****." Drew left the curled up girl covered in bruises.
"W-will anybody l-love me...?"

“I'm a man! What do you expect me to do? Wait until marriage?”
She thought they would be together forever but he, apparently, had other plans. She misses the way he used to hold her and how he gave her a gentle kiss that made her feel safe. Now, he brings nightmares and pain. No amount of words can express how terrified she is being near him. She’s suffocating.
"Drew please stop! It hurts!" Lucy cried while her abuser ***** her. Drew kept slamming into her, not even letting her adjust.
"Shut up!" He hissed.
"P-please! Stop!" Lucy cried when he slapped her across the face.
"I'm doing this because I love you," Drew growled. Lucy's eyes watered from the pain he was putting her through.
'This is what it's like to be loved?' Lucy thought, crying out. Lucy felt him spray his ***** inside her. That brought more tears to her eyes. She was thankful for taking birth control.
"You **** at ***," Drew growled. He pulled out and left her there, crying and shaking.
"J-just cause I-I don't want to d-do it with you."