Now it's been a few years since I've written this.
The tears never stopped and I still miss;

The way you used to think of me.
The way things used to be.
The way you looked into my eyes,
The way you never heard my cries.

I need some help and I'll admit,
I'm too conscious to even get it.
I'm sorry but this time it's rough,
I'm shutting the door yea I've had enough.

Go ahead and live your life.
You'll never again call me your "future wife",

Starting to accept that you're not the one,
I'm sorry but I'm just done.

Recovery isn't going well,
But I'm doing my best in this hell.

Haven't smoked in a while,
Starting to learn again how to smile.
Not a fresh cut yea I'm getting there,
Not sure where this is headed but atleast it's somewhere.

Walking for miles.
A long and lonely road ahead.
I'm not sure how long it's been.
Or where I'm headed.

I look to my left to see a girl facing towards me.
Her movements mimic my own.

Her face full of imperfections.
Her skin so outrageously thin.
Her eyes full of tears.
The pale look of sadness.

She's hideous.

As I wave to her, she waves back.
I open my mouth to say a few words,
She opens her own.
As puzzled as she looks, she seems quite broken and insecure.

She's trembling now as I am too.
She buries her hands into her face.
And starts to weep.

She's realized what she's become.
She feels the impulse.
Only becoming a reflection of her well-being.

Urges of suffocation within me.
I'm slipping away from this Earth as it drags me down.
Nothing but darkness.

Clenching my hands as I try to make it stop.
As I try to just make the pain go away.

Emptiness inside.
As I try my hardest to breathe.

I feel the tears drifting down my cheek.
I feel my pulse racing at the speed of light.

And it's bringing me down.
More and more every day.

At night I lye awake while everyone is asleep.
Thinking of every possible way to end it all.

These aren't my thoughts.
This isn't me.
Why does it overcome me?
Why does it defeat me?

Losing in this little battle we call life.
Except the fault is not mine.
But the disease's.

He conquers my mind.
As if he controls my every thought.
His lips so soft yet so ice cold.
As I feel them on my own.

I can still feel his rough knuckles.
And slender fingers intertwined in mine.
Fitting perfect into the right place.

His vivid chocolate eyes staring at me as I lye next to him.
In the soft wet grass.

The stars are shining in the pitch black sky.
As we gaze above into its beauty and delightful scenes.

The crickets churp.
The city lights are now descending and fading.

He caresses me as I fall into his arms.
Willing to cease the moment I drift into a deep slumber.

I feel as though he's observing me.
Watching me take in every breath.
Under that onyx sky.

Yet his presence is absent.
And this is nothing but my own little fantasy.
Lost in my own little world.
As they told me.

I hate the way I walk. The way I command. The way I talk. The way I stand.

Hate my curves. I hate my body. Hate my nerves. Hate everybody.

Can't stand every thought. Can't stand the pain. Couldn't stand who I fought. Couldn't stand my vain.

But throughout every fight. Through the fear. Through what was right. Through every tear.

As you read this on your phone. As you read this in your head.
As I'm here all alone. As I'm here desiring to be dead.

Know that nobody can save me. Know that I was full of hate.
Know that I just wanted you to see. Know that this was my fate.