I was diagnosed with a Major Depressive Disorder.
Funny..
Who could of known I've always felt empty and alone.
Many sleepless nights
Filled with nightmares and fright
Nothing I do makes me happy anymore
I feel it sometimes, when I spend some time outside
But then its like a dark shadow, reaching above me..
Ready to tower over and hurt me.
My heart races throughout the day
Wishing that I didn't have to stay
So I can lay in bed and think
And let my thoughts sink
Mother calls me lazy
If not often crazy
My mood changes from left and right
Maybe she is right.
Who knows how long this will go
I don't know?
I feel cold and alone
Weak at my bones
Doesn't make sense, I don't make sense
Writing this just made me upset
I don't know if this whole poem makes sense
I mean .. what is there to expect?
Everything is just a mess.
What did I miss? . .
What even is this.

Mother, please look at me,
Mother, please don't fear me,
Mother pay attention to me
Oh, mother please love me.
Please, oh please don't leave me
Please oh please don't forget me
I am your child, a part of you
Please never forget that I still love you.
We fight, bicker and all that stuff
Maybe my love just wasn't enough
Please don't go with him, please stay
Please don't go away for many days
Mother, please read to me
sing to me and dance with me
Oh..
make memories with me
Mother, please don't hit me
Please don't make me cry
You've made me die just a little bit inside
....
Mother, I hate you.
Why did you go
Oh, why do you hate me so?
You argue with me all the time
I remember the day you said " I wish you'd die"
I try to forgive you
I try to move on
But sometimes I just tend to hold on
There are many of the saddest things that happened to me
With other things that have ruined me
I wish you loved me like a mother loves her child in films.
Spending quality time with her and being a mother.
Maybe you're just annoyed or you just don't want me.
Maybe a happy relationship with your mother is only make-believe.
Maybe its only in films.
Or maybe it just doesn't exist.
Perhaps this is just MY fairy tale.
and others are better
Maybe things with my Mother just won't get better.
I think sometimes you cannot fix what is broken,
You cannot revive what is dead.
And maybe I'm just having a bad ending to this fairy tale.
The End.

Sitting in the car side by side
I was looking outside at the night sky
We argued earlier, I didn't know why
But the thought of it made me cry.
My chest grew heavy
I couldnt keep myself steady
I kept thinking of us and other things I've dealt with.
I then break down.
My whole world was just spinning around and around
Just like a merry go round.
My eyes were filled with tears
Tears of fear
Fear that I knew what was coming and that I would lose myself again.
I sniffed,
Huffed,
And Puffed.
Trying to contain myself
Trying to keep my emotions at bay
I began to sob and there it was, the tears of a great waterfall
My befall
"What a mess I am" I tell myself
You get to see the ugliest side of me
The weakest side
The vulnerability of me
Which was obviously clear to see
I sobbed some more and felt your warm touch
Pulled me close and said " Hush .. "
" Im sorry. "
I felt secure
Felt your love
Your arms tighten around me as I fall more and more into millions of pieces
"Im safe" I said to myself.
Im okay.
" I love you " you say as you wipe my tears and kiss my nose
As I type this into my notes, my legs are over you as we are driven home
You rub my thighs and kiss me some more.
Whispering the sweetest innocent things into my ear.
I let out a sigh of relief.
I couldn't believe that you're here now.
As I lean my head onto your shoulder I whisper..
"Thank you for handling my messy breakdown."

We are the ones who are hard to understand
We'll be the last ones in the movie theatre
because the ending scene made us cry
We'll stop to smell the roses
because they deserve to be appreciated
We are the ones who will take the time
to learn what keeps you up at night
We are the ones who will imagine
an entire future of adventures
with the people who show us love

We are the ones who will love you more
than we love ourselves
We will give you our strongest parts
in hopes that we can make things better
We desire to see you become the best you
to make sure that you always feel our love
We crave affection and appreciation
We give a piece of ourselves away every day
sometimes to people who don't deserve it
Our love is easy to take advantage of
and sometimes we don't get back
the love that we give away

When we hurt, we crumble and fall apart
We constantly have to put ourselves back together
We are more fragile than we like to give off
We carry our emotions on our sleeves
Our flaws have the ability to consume us
We aren't afraid to give you the world
but we are afraid to feel unloved
We want you to see what we see
We want you to understand where we're coming from

We are good people with good intentions
We are stronger than we believe
Not everyone can feel the way we feel
We feel too much, too often
We are not hard to love
We are something not everyone knows how to love
But you need to remember that
your worth does not change just because
no one is there to appreciate you, to remind you

You are not any less lovable
You are the most lovable person in the world
You are a light that the world needs
Your kindness is not your weakness
You do not need to change for anyone's acceptance
You do not need to stop giving love
just because you don't get any back
Your heart is the best thing about you

And one day when you least expect it
someone will notice you from across the room
and know exactly how to love you
They will think all of these things are beautiful
They will deserve the love you can give
They will fill the empty space in your heart
But for now, don't stop feeling
We are the ones who feel everything so deeply
We are the ones who can't give up because
We are the ones who will teach the world
how to love

The stranger
with the face of my mother
begs for love
abandoned by the door
She's lonely and lovely
I want to help, but she is no one
I can't give her anymore

She looks hurt I don't know her
She looks to the left
her cheeks wet
I feel a tiny stab
Something so familer in her face
But I don't know her
I can't give her anymore

She turns to go, head bowed low
I step forward with regret
Can she be her, mother?
How does one know?

I had a parent once
Someone was there
now there's a stranger
with the face of my mother
crying at my door