I've never felt second best,
Being a twin, you get asked a lot of questions:
"Who's older?"
"Who's smarter?"
"Who's the favorite?"
But you never gave into them:
"They were born at the same time"
"They both have straight A's"
"I love them both so much"
What's changed?

I've learned that I'm younger,
Only by a second—a moment,
My birth certificate bears a different time,
Yet we still tell people we're the same age
Because the difference doesn't define us.

Now I'm starting to fail my classes,
Not a single A to my name anymore.
You must think of her as the smarter one,
While I'm the one who can't be bothered:
No homework, no studying, no perfect SAT score.
Have things changed because you've finally chosen a favorite?
And of course, it's her.

I've grown to hate myself,
So it's not surprising you do too.
You see yourself in me and loathe it,
Support no longer feels like support
Because you can't imagine I'd be anything like you:
Of course I'm not sad,
Or anxious enough to pass out,
Of course I'm faking when I'm throwing up
So you'll send me to school.

But when she wants to stay home,
You shower her with love,
Buy her favorite foods,
While you'd take mine away to keep me thin.

When I want to disappear,
I'm still second best.
You'll cry, but still yell,
Making me feel guilty for wanting you to care.

I'll keep my head down—float with the majority,
And try to live with being second priority.
But know that I am more than your reflection;
More than a twin, more than second best.
I am my own person, worthy of love,
Even if you can't see it yet.

since i was twelve
i've always hated this body,
looked in the mirror every morning
and saw it glaring back at me,
because it hates me just as much as i hate it,
i didn't know insecurities could mean this much.

they give me all the pills
to try to make me not be afraid of me
but i know they can't ever fix me
so i push them all away
so i don't drown myself in medicine
just to die again.

i've seen therapists
but they don't seem to care
when I tell them my feelings
because they'd rather send me into an asylum
for my cynical thoughts.

I'll take another punch,
another cut, another hit, another fake fix
so I can pretend like I am happy
while i'm dying on the inside,
because escapes are better than healing
what might be beyond repair.

I don't want to be this way forever,
and I'll keep lying to myself
saying i'm getting better
when i'm falling deeper into darkness,
but it seems that I stop myself
before I get better,
because I hate me
and i'm scared to be happy.

I'm falling into the deep end,
That dark place that floods me
Over and over till I'm drowning
And I just float, float, float.

I'm overthinking; the thoughts won't stop,
Trapped in the prison of my own head
Crying over the sink every night
Letting tears float, float, float.

I'm in over my head, drowning,
But I'm fine—not struggling, right?
I'm stuck in a bubble I didn't create
So I just float with the crowd, numb inside.

So insecure that it's funny;
So used to feeling this bad,
I think I might be going insane,
As I float, float, float.

Where are all my friends?
Loneliness creeps in again,
The water's turning red—they don't care
If I float or if I fall.

And I fall, fall, fall,
Feeling alive as I fight for my life,
I can't escape from this riptide
So I float, float, float.

Watch me drown in these waves,
Don't know if I can make it back
To the surface, I'm gasping for air
As I float, float, float...

Like bouquets of flowers
Which are all but homogenous
And withering from neglect.

Like a classic & well known speech;
But someone altered it greatly
From structure, wording, & hermeneutics.

Like beaches of glass,
Where time & wave deny
Any smoothing of edges.

Poetry is long-winded,
The stanzas bore
Through ups & downs.