The wind is the monster that
Roars in the night,
It's the heat's respite
As we climb Kosciusko
The wind is what keeps
Our jackets on,
The temporary breaks,
Layers of clothes
Black, grey, pink, blue
Keep going,
This is nothing
Snow melts by the path,
Metal grates
Stone paving with gold veins
Scribble our names
In the snow
As we go,
Start a war, juggle snowballs
To impress the passers-by
Stand atop the highest point
And juggle stones
Or fly a kite
What will we do next time?

A black jacket
Studded with brass
We joke I can't hide
If I wear it,
I'll sparkle
So we
Split into teams
I run and hide
It's dark but we
All have torches,
Two minutes on the clock
Here's a good spot
An open field
Come closer,
Get down, they'll see you
Get closer to the line of trees
They all yell, "we're coming!"
And we creep, quiet
Behind the bush,
Get down!
As lights shine through the leaves
We hold our breath
And I wait for my jacket
To give us away
But they walk off
To look somewhere else
We come out
They think we're lost
All laugh
And now it's your turn,
Lights off,
A hundred and twenty seconds
Time starts now

Sit around as the sky
Turns black and fills with diamonds
Children run in the darkness
And yell about their lights
Memorise their names, won't you -
Chloe, Monica, Lucy
And laugh as the people
Wake up in the night
Lamps and torches
Mark the boundaries at
The line of trees
The second campfire from the fence,
Don't go past the van
Were you worried you
Couldn't find me, honey?
Sorry
This game always ends with
Someone getting hurt

Outside, a gale is blowing
You tell yourself,
"I'm safe in here"
When you know you're leaving tomorrow
Find yourself wondering,
Will it be a breath of
Fresh air at last?
Or will it just be
Another attack on your lungs,
Another series of spasms in your arms
In your legs,
In 5 hours of being trapped
In a white metal box
Will you be as fine as you have over the years?
Or will you break
As you did only
Days ago?
Breathe deep before closing your eyes
See, again, procrastinating to sleep
Just to trick youreslf into
Thinking the morning's come slower
A blue fan covered in flowers
A keychain with a silver skull
You've never had a problem
With being in your own world
But what happens if
They take you out
Put you
In the spotlight
When you're busy hiding behind a book
Coz you don't mind attention
When you're dressed for the stage
But lately, you've been dragged to performances
In your PJ's
And people wonder why you start panicking
People wonder why you got nothing to say
People think, "What do you mean, you're not ready? -
"Aren't you supposed to be the confident one?"

The skull scribbled on paper
Turned into a tapestry
Of insanity
Look at blank canvas
Stop thinking and just
Draw
When you look again,
It's split in half
With demonic grin
And crying false smiles

Red and orange
Glowing eye
Music coloured in grey
Diamonds in the sky
Covered in leaches that
Distort them into
Water tinted blue
Dried out broken lungs
Brown from lack of air
A little fire starts
And something red
Drips
From the teeth
Of this demon

Blacked out
Closed eye
Crying
But still grinning
Blue and green
Twist and entertwine
A little monster in the corner
With a horrific face
Flipped upside-down
To make a smile?

"Insane" written in purple
Splashed across its face
Breathe out
Look at what you've
Created

Listen to the birds in the morning
Take advantage while it's still cold outside
Go for a walk,
A run,
Just to leave the house
Before the day hits 40
Your eyes still droop
But you ignore the pain in your legs
That came from lack of use
The songs in your head
Replace them
From the bittersweet and violent
To celebration and victory
As you lie in your bed
Thoughts still racing
With the battles in another story
That isn't yours anymore
Right now
You haven't seen the sky so blue
In so long
It hasn't felt like autumn in months
So go out
While this world
Is still cold enough to hold you

There's a spider
On the window
Above my bed
He doesn't move
And all the angels in the world
Would think this
As an excuse
To not sleep tonight
I roll over
He's not what bothers me tonight
Anxiety keeps me awake
And I wonder if
the spider's sleeping well
Or if
He's as sleepless as I?

What would it be
To live on a wall
To lurk in the corner
Of a tiled room
When I go to have a shower
Why does he run towards the water?
Do I think
his life is
As hard as the people I know?
If he's so desperate
He'll run towards flowing water
Does he want to end it too?

Breathing heavy
Bad dreams
Anxiety keeping me awake
Just to procrastinate
Waking up in the morning

Do spiders have nightmares too?

Once, two children grew.
Bright lights spoke to them
They didn’t know each other
Bright, flashing lights, singing
Then speaking
Then screaming
YOU MUST BE SCARED OF THE DARK.

The first child was strange
She wasn’t scared of the dark
She loved her nightmares
She loved being safe from the monsters
While dreaming that she wasn’t

She wasn’t scared of the dark
She loved it
And the bright lights, they kept yelling
And she stopped listening
“YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE”
“YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH THEM”
“YOU CAN’T STAY IN THE DARK FOREVER”
She didn’t listen.
She stayed in the dark, and was happy
She tried the light, but it scared her
So bright, so loud, no
The dark
Stay in the dark
…It’s not so bad in here

The second child was timid
She was scared of the dark
She had so many nightmares -
Was she safe from the monsters?
Maybe she wasn’t…

She was scared of the dark
She hated it
But the bright lights, they were yelling
And in fear, she listened
“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE”
“YOU’LL NEVER MAKE FRIENDS OUT HERE”
“ALWAYS BE SCARED OF THE DARK”
She listened, she obeyed.
She stayed in the light, but she wasn’t happy
She was surrounded by smiles
But they weren’t real, they were lies
The dark
Don’t go to the dark
I’m not scared…
It isn’t that bad out here.

Time passed…
The first child
Found the second
They met at the boundaries
And knew
Knew who had it better
Despite everything

“The lights can be liars”
“But they keep me safe”
“You can be safe without them”
“I can’t be safe - I’m scared of the dark”

But these smiles didn’t lie
These faces weren’t scared…
And somehow
Neither was the second child
She stepped into the dark
The first child helped her
And…
She wasn’t scared

And when she at last came out
"I need to go home"
She left the first child behind
Who let her go,
And smiled.

And what the second child found when she left,
When she re-entered what she'd always known
…

…She wasn’t so scared of the light, either.

Streamline yourelf
Make it feel real
Coz the world in your head
You're too tied to it
Honey
Let it go
Let the worlds
Dissappear
Coz sweetheart
You need to concentrate
Keep it together
For a night and
One more day?
Honey, please
You can sleep when you're at home
And yeah
You can walk down that street and say
This ain't home anymore
But you'll still look at your books
And be too tired to pack 'em up
Darling, for now
You're stuck here
'Til you get out
But it isn't really that bad
Just look at what's here
Look,
you can fight that dragon
Another day
Honey you're fine
You're fine here
Just keep breathing
Until you walk down that street
And wage war with yourself
Again
Oh, look at your mess
Lady
Why are you only kind to yourself
In your poems?

Panic, panic
hold it together
When your bones don't hold together
And you break
See yourself
Watch yourself
fly across the room
no, stop
No, stop!
Hold yourself honey
Breathe,
Breathe,
B r e a t h e
You're fine, you're fine
Hold yourself together with
String,
Hold yourself with muscles you
Wish were stronger
You wish you were stronger
Your hands shake and
clap
Anything to keep them under control
You're drawing,
You're taking notes and then
your pen, it's buried in
Someone else's lap
How'd it get there?
Hold yourself
Hold yourself
How many people struggle
In an arm wrestle with themself?
Now sit down
Sit down and breathe
Coz you've noticed it happens
When you panic
So
Breathe
You're fine,
You're fine
You can handle this
Right?
Sit down
Listen to the music
Focus, focus
You need to pay attention
You look at the guy sitting next to you
And feel your arm move
It isn't you moving it
So you hold yourself
Hands in your pockets
You're crazy enough without this
So keep yourself down honey
You're fine
You aren't flying across the room
Not yet
Your bones hold you together
Like string
Like thread
You're fine
Anything, to keep you under
Your own control
Lady
Breathe
You're fine

You're fine

I'm fine...

...right?

Me, I'd love to go
Take me anywhere
Take me anywhere but here
Coz I flicker between these
Two locations
Can you let me exist somewhere else
Give me the excuse I need
To get away
Screams,
Turn them into music
Silence
Into white noise
Anything's better
Coz solitude's only so great
In the same place every time
So give me places
Places I can know
And love
Give me scenes I can memorise
And let become part of me
Coz I've got these two locations
I flicker between them
These two states of mind
I flicker between them
I'm asleep
Or I'm running
Give me another place
In my mind and
In the world
Sister, take me
Ride our pink and blue bikes
Any manner of places
Coz you know the city back-to-front
And me,
I flicker
But when you take me
I've got something new
And I've got another state of mind
Coz stress can become excitement
Coz running can become dancing
Coz sleeping can become laughing
If you know how
If you know where
And if you stop yourself
From flickering
Between two worlds
That just
Feel
The same.

Spend the afternoon
Listening to the same songs
Coz you're feeling the way you are
And you can't seem to change yourself
Spend the afternoon
Listening to the same songs
And you find yourself thinking about
Those who think
You owe them your secrets
Those who think
You owe them your friendship
Listening to the same songs
Till you find yourself thinking about
Where they'll be in 10 years
Till you find yourself thinking about
Everything you never said to them
All the **** they threw in your face
And how badly you wanna throw it back
But that requires talking to them
So you shut up
Listening to the same songs
Till you've memorised the words,
"Does it cross your mind to be slightly sorry?"
And picture yourself screaming it
Screaming it to them
Like you owe them your secrets
Like you owe them a world
Why?
Age-old mistakes,
Before you knew that about him
Age-old mistakes
Before you knew it'd throw your life away
Before you knew he hated
"People like you"
But he doesn't know it yet,
He doesn't know it yet so
You find yourself thinking about
What you'd say
And how you'd say it
Maybe think of a song and dance
Maybe end it with a slap in the face
Maybe write him another ******* poem
When hell knows that was your biggest mistake
The first ******* time
And now you look at his face and think
HOW
How in the name of Hell
How in the name of every diety,
In or out of existance, could you
Befriend someone
Like that?

And you find yourself crashing
And burning
Like all of them did
And you think,
am I really better than them?
And sweetheart, then you pick yourself up
And you spend the afternoon
Listening to the same songs
Coz you're feeling the way you are
And the answer is
They got nothing on you
Use your anger,
Put yourself back together
However the hell you can
And keep going
Coz any bridges you burn on the way
You didn't need them
It killed you to keep the stupid things
Up for so **** long
And yeah, you can swear on
Everything you love
And hate
That the next time he shows his face
You'll beat it into the ground
Or write a song and ******* dance
When you know all you need to say
Is tell him how much he must hate you.
After all, look at what you are.
He hates people like you,
Right?

Telling stories, sitting around a table
Orange chairs, fake wood
I thought a library was supposed to be quiet
Space book, Notebook
Writing as we go
Stories about each other
Maiden and Prince dancing together
Broken lightbulbs around our heads
Angry about broken Aeroplanes

Telling stories, standing in the courts
Brick walls, broken windows
The game gets louder and louder
Green book, Broken pen
Writing as we go
Stories about our lives
Did you watch the news?
Have you seen my flag?
Happy for you, congratulations!

Telling stories, waiting for the train
Long day, cushy seats
People glare, teenagers they mutter
Sketchbook, Notebook
Writing as we go
Stories about our days
What did you do last?
Did you get the notice?
Tired, can we go home yet?

We tell stories
We live stories
But where does each one
End?

Tick, Tock
You listen to the drone
Of a fan
Music ticks by
Three minutes, Thirty-seven seconds
Four minutes, Thirty-eight seconds
Five minutes, Ten seconds
Stop
Alt-tab away
Think about something else
You can't listen to this anymore
Fan drones on
Laughing in another room
Someone plays piano next door

Do something, DO something!
Look at downloads
Four hundred and sixteen
Out of
Four hundred and Fifty-three
Time equals
Distance over Speed
Numbers that go forever,
Listen to the story
"Today's going to be a good day"
And write the numbers coming up on the screen
Just to do something
Seven-Eight-Two-Eight-Point-Five-
Seven-One-Four-Two-­Nine
And papers build up around you
It's the same calculation done
Every 10 minutes
Because 35 Kilobytes per second
And you're exhausted
But you need to do something
That isn't hearing the same music,
That isn't playing Solitaire
Over and Over and Over
Watch numbers go up
Write numbers going down
Two hours, Thirty-Five minutes
Two hours, Twenty-Three minutes
Two hours Seventeen
Two hours Ten
Fifty-One

Four-Twenty-Nine-Point-four
Out of
Four-Fifty-Three

Tick Tock
The drone of a fan
The music's stopped
Someone next door has stopped playing piano
Stare
Into the space on your paper
More space
To fill
With numbers

The screamer, The criminal, The fool
And me
How did I land in the hands of
These three?

The screamer, she laughs about
Mother's harsh rule
She's keeping me sane with
The crim and the fool.

The criminal, as he is called
By my peers
Likes to feast on the romance of life
And our fears.

The fool is forgivable, if
Only when
He shuts up and lets the crim
Have a word in

The fool and the criminal
Drive me insane
And I vent to the geniuses though
They aren't to blame.

Though the screamer can't brag about
Being much better
I still must work with them,
So I will let her.

The screamer, The criminal, The fool
And me
Our lives all depend on
Our comradery
So I'll put aside any prejudice
That I've got
I'll drag us all through this
So we might
Have a shot

I don't speak.
I don't need to.
To lie, one only needs to remain silent.
To lie is to let  others tell the truth
And say nothing.

Mother walks around
Talking about everything I'll do
Just say it, just say it!
Just say it's not true!
No...
Mother walks around
Talks about everything I can't do
Talks about everything she knows I'll do
Keep digging, 10 feet deep
And let her make you a liar.

People walk around
They talk about everything you've done
Just tell them, just tell them!
Is it really that hard?
To say it's not true?
Yes...
People walk around
Friends, I think?
They talk about everything they know you can't do
They talk about everything they know you've done
Keep digging, 10 feet deep
When the time comes, let them call you
A liar

And now listen to flickering flames
And now smell the smoke
Feel how hot your legs are
But you didn't start that fire,
Did you?

Her Struggle, My Struggle
The problems I left in another world
And the pieces I see her picking up
I can’t help but wonder where we differ.

Her struggle,
Games where you run, learning
To stop hiding,
To be proud and to
Love all of them.

My struggle,
Staying on top, remembering
To keep breathing
To stay strong and to
Stay hidden.

Her struggle, My struggle
The problems she faces in her world
And the pieces I fail to pick up
It’s hard to see where we differ.

Her struggle,
Walking to a school getting worse by the day
Not noticing the world fall apart around her
To stay calm isn’t
An option,
It’s a necessity she doesn’t
Know.

My struggle,
Walking to a school getting harder by the day
Painfully aware of the breaking world around us
To stay calm isn’t
Ideal, but
It’s a painful necessity
I know.

Her struggles, My struggles.
Her life, My life.
Her love, My love.
And I can’t help but wonder where we might differ.

I slept,
Only for a brief time
I slept
And I dreamed.
And I saw wonders.

I know it wasn’t real,
But I dreamed.

And I find
Part of me
Wants
To dream again

I Dreamt I played piano for a child,
And she Dreamt of meeting an angel
the Angel dreamt of freedom,
And freedom dreamt of solitude
And solitude whispered to me
As I dreamed.
I should have stopped listening
But never did, never did
I kept listening
I kept learning
Learning from Solitude
And freedom
And Angels
And children

...And then it stopped.
And then I awoke.
As did they.

Part of me wished we had never awoken
Part of me wants To keep my eyes closed,
Keep dreaming.
But facing the music in times of weakness
IS my weakness
And I am not allowed to be weak anymore,
Not anymore.

No more sleep, don’t you know
That other you, they never sleep
They can’t -

Not for the nightmares you gave them,
Don’t you remember it?
With an endless downpour from a ceiling of stone instead of sky.
They don’t see.
Not unless you need them to

But we don’t, we won’t share,
We won’t let you see our weakness.

No, if we did, we know what you’d call them,
Infantile, irrelevant,
So
We Can’t tell you

This is what I dream about
But I know that
We Never will live that through

We know, we know
But we can dream
We know it’s just a story
But we can dream
We know it’s a whole other world
But we can dream
We can dream.