Been sad for a month now
And I don't really talk much anymore
A loud kid gone quiet
Blending in the crowd
Everything is a snarky comment
Everything is a jab in my side
Everything is a loss of me

I spend my nights alone
Hang-up those calls
Ignore those messages
I remove myself from the world
Lost in my own thoughts
To only fall harder for this loneliness I started in

I think it's my fear grabbing ahold of me
The fear of losing
The fear of failing
The fear of needing
The fear of letting go
And hurting
Hurting her
Hurting me
Hurting them
And losing myself some more

Was I too friendly?
Seemed more like a brother?
Was I just your guy best friend?
Flirt but you didn't mean it
Just fun and games
A laugh back-and-forth

How was he different?
What did he do I didn't?
Was it his hair? His eyes? His smile?
His heart that you wanted?
I guess mine was too grey for you.

You left me too long ago
It doesn't hurt anymore
Well, maybe a little
But I hated you for it
All of it
I hated what you did and
I hated what you didn't do
I hated what you said and
I hated what you didn't say
I hated what you became and
I hated what you couldn't become
I hated it all
And I hate what you did to me
How you'd smile at me with those dimpled cheeks
How you'd look up at me with that love in your eyes
How you'd hold me when I needed holding
And how'd you kiss me when I needed kissing
I hate all of what you did
And loved every part of it
I just needed something to hate
Or I'd love you forever

Lost on the road that takes me home
Zebras pass me by though I still feel alone
Caught in a loop that goes round and round
Caught in a jail to which I'm bound

Eyes closed and right foot down
Hands stay steady but ready to drown
The night light beams on me like headlights
And then I'm home to continue lonely nights

I am dead
There is no pain
No sorrow
No nothing
Just me
My thoughts are what keep me company now,
Keep me warm
Not the flesh that once held me
But
They now fade away
With the gift that is life

An ocean resides,
Its depth immeasurable.
The green blue gleam
of the ocean I see before me.
What's down there?
I couldn't say.
An endless darkness?
A monster?
A God?
An unanswerable question,
We can never know.
Unless, the reason the ocean belongs
And the reason it stays
Is to allow me travel,
Passage.
Be it by boat
Plane
Submarine
Or even to swim.
So maybe one day,
I can be in your arms.

Eject me into space so I jet past Earth's Moon
Past Mars, Jupiter and Saturn
Past Uranus, Neptune and Pluto
Till I leave your Solar System and escape its Gravity
I am hurtling through space, through Galaxies burning fire and ice
Past Nebulas nursing your Stars into unfathomable life
I have felt the ripping of a Black Hole against my very being
I have seen seen Civilisations bloom and burn all at once
I have passed the edge of space into the unknown void that exists beyond your comprehension
And I have stared into the eyes of time itself and torn myself apart piece by piece till I am nothing more than what I started as
Nothing
So
I open my parachute and I stop
I am still and I float without reason or control
But I am still and I have stopped
I can breath
I have seen the greatest wonders of the Universe in the blink of an eye
Experienced the greatest fear and terror no-one has ever or could ever know
Known all there is to know and thought all there is to think and forgotten nothing
But I still missed you along the way
And I think of you now here in my room

You dropped out of view
Just over that low, low skyline
Where the roads travel further than my eyes can comprehend
Between rigid cliffs, where the tree does bloom
And the water bungees with snapped cords
Where the deer stride and the hare watches
Quietly for passing to come

When did the clouds last shower
And when did the sun last beam
When did the bee last soar
And when did the fox last strut

Time is a second, a minute and an hour
Time is a day, a month and a year
Time is a death, a birth and all that's inbetween
But time is a mystery when you are not near.

What's out the window?

Is it stars in the night?
The rain in the black?
Thudding through the night

What's out this window?

Is it sun in the day?
The clouds in the blue?
Drifting away

What's out my window?

Is it storms in the sea?
The lightning in the grey?
Blinding me

I know what's out my window

It's a field of green
Where the sun rises high
And the poppies sing

Where the only me is me
And there's no-one here but you
Where the life of anyone is real and true

If I could crawl, I'd take my time
If I could walk, I'd meet you half way
If I could run, I'd meet you there
If I could fly, you'd never see me again
If I were gone, would think my name?
If I were here, would it be the same?
If I saw you, would I shed a tear?

As I lay sleeping soundly
The noise of you singing
It makes my dreams just dance away

I hear you whisper softly
Words I don't hear too often
You only take my breathe away

The burning moonlight pierces
Your veil of burning promises
Slowly takes your life away

And so your everlasting
Ever singing spinning
The moon takes it all away

Only the silence of myself
Is what I do not hear
The noise of the sea
Lays at home in my head

I do not speak
For my thoughts would turn to words
And my words would be silent
For my mind is drowning

I wish for a comfort other than my own
And I hate to see it leave
The feeling of being held
Of holding someone
Is an intoxication of someone else's doing

So when I'm found
Hold me
Not too tight
And neither too soft
As I may burst
Or sink
Like the hull of my boat

I don't know how I feel
Am I cold or alone?
And I don't know how I should feel
Am I doing this right?
My emotions don't make sense
Am I supposed to feel like this?
And it's driving me nuts

I was a happy boy
When my innocence was free
But then life hit me in the face
And I just didn't feel like me
A girl broke my heart
My family expect much
Mum and Dad are at war
And talking only deepens cuts

So yes, I don't know how I feel
And I don't how I should feel
My emotions don't make sense
And it's driving me nuts
And there's no but to this end
No turn around happy stanza
Because all I know is how to not feel happy
And it's driving me nuts

On top of a hill
There's a bird that caws
And on that hill
There's a gun that draws

A top of the hill
There's a chick that cheaps
And next to that
A flooding creek

On that hill
An echoing groan
On that same hill
A bullet does go

On top of a hill
There's a bird that sleeps
And on that hill
There's a gun that breathes

Awake in the day
I lie with the moon
Where the rain pours down
With a clear blue sky
And the wind shakes the trees
Standing still and straight
The grass is lush
All brown and dry
The sun soars high
A sky of orange
A day gone by
Time is still

Must be opposite day

I pace the shadows in this sleeping Jungle
Towers soaring high into an endless sky
They block off my view of the stars
and the moon only lingers faintly
Off away in the dark
a spotlight is seen
A desolate beacon to guide me the way
through these vines that hang
Holding me tight, a tug on my back
On my legs and arms
Passing light by light
until my one enters view
I unlock my tomb
the chambers I reside
and rest
I am home.

I don't know where to go from here
From the morning walk to the afternoon tears
Walk through the puddle of last nights rain
Wake up in the morning and do it all again

I remember waking to school together Just you and I
You'd laugh at my jokes
I'd smile at your giggle

Your cheesy grin
When you saw me in the halls
The way you made me feel
I got from no one else

But then the pain began
Another broken heart
They tore you down
You couldn't get back up

But I stayed strong
Just so you could
I talked every night
Despite morning aches

And then the pain began
Another broken heart
Except it wasn't yours
It was mine that fell apart

I want a room in the dark
Foreboding all who enter
But it's only like that to keep empty of stranger

I want a sofa in the dark
Warm like a friend
I like it like that to make loneliness end

I want a window in the dark
A window to the sea
So I can make sure no-one can look in on me

I want a fire in the dark
One with a glow
So the dark can't take me like long ago

I want a door in the dark
So they can't see
When I finally leave on my own and take my life with me

My school's doors closed not so long ago
On that last day
We treat it like it was our last
Which it was
But it didn't feel right
It was all too soon
All so wrong
All so fake
But I'm Happy

I wasn't allowed out of my house
Not for a while they said
Things are too dangerous right now
It's not safe for us all
If I stay home
Everyone will be safe
You gotta play your part
Or the world comes
Crumbling down
But I'm still Happy

I've been here for too long
My body grows impatient
My mind grows tired
My fingers go numb
My arms go limp
My chest feels heavy
My lungs feel tight
I can't breath
I can't think
I can't do
But I'm happy still

They said it'd end soon
That it wouldn't last too long
They said we'd be able to
Go out
See our friends
See our family
Feel a sense of freedom
The breeze of salvation
They didn't lie
They just didn't know
A false truth to keep us
Me
Happy

I'm trapped
Am I happy?

I watched her cry today

She had just spoken her words
The ones far, deep down
The ones she thought would never come out
But here now she drowns

The lies she showed the world
And the things she chose to show
She did it so she could feel safe
Till she reached that all time low

She had let it all out
One big final roar
She had let it all out
She couldn't take no more

And here we are now
The conversations end
The tears had all now gone
But we'd only reached the bend

I watched her cry today
And soon days after
But whether I'll see those days to come
Is in the sound of someones laughter

The sun gazes into my room
Dust fermented books
Look outside
I can't see
Turn around
And I'm home again

The sun's out today
It's Summer again
The fresh grass
Cut down to size
The beach is full
The waves high
The kids are laughing
Life is fine

My skin is warm
The sand a duvet
The sun beats down
Its rays bright
The shade won't help
The heat's too much

My skin is warm
But my body is cold
It shivers in the day
In the sun
And quakes during the night
In this empty bed

The sun's gone away
Summer hits the hay
The cold rushes in
With that cold icy grin
It's too cold now
So I ask myself how
How does one get through this?
When the bed lies empty of bliss