Back when I was a real girl I bounced in the hallways licking my popsicle. Back when I was a real girl I smiled from the inside out. Back before toothbrushes became my best friend. Back when food was normal. When I could close my eyes without seeing monsters and nightmares. When I liked myself. Before any of the mean girls decided that I was going to be the rock in their pile of diamonds. When music was meant to make you happy. Before the world messed me up. When I was a real girl I never thought about death. When I was a real girl my mind never went this deep. Now I smile just from the outside. Real girls don't have to sleep with their eyes half open. But I do Because I'm not a real girl anymore. I changed a long time ago and there is no way back now.
Dancers can't have eating disorders. We are meant to be thin. We are made this way We are made to hide food to starve to throw it up As long as no one sees us As long as we can fake it Cause as dancers We have to fake it till we make it And we aren't going to make it if we are as fat as pigs. People don't like watching hogs dance. Don't worry the mirrors will tell us if we are the size of a stick or a stump. So no I don't have an eating disorder Dancers can't have those. We are created this way.
You left today I heard it from a friend You're not coming back. I'm happy for you You won't have to be in this prison Stuck in a box of thoughts I wonder what life is like for you now. What are you going to do without me without us. I hope you don't think about me Please don't. Just think of me as an old friend We used to talk We used to be close We used to share secrets that no one else would ever understand. Sit in a empty car for hours and fill it with our deepest fears and dreams until they would seep out the windows. Its okay that you left without saying bye You didn't want to risk me pulling you back in. I don't either. So thank you Because of you I know for a fact that I'm the problem. I'm contagious. Don't catch me.
Pink ballet tights don't hide cuts. Leotards black as smoke don't conceal all the regrets I have swallowed. My perfect bunhead doesn't pull together all the loose ends of my mind. I'm sorry mom that somewhere between your migraines and stress your daughter ran into the bathroom. I'm sorry Dad that you try so hard and you always end up with ***** ups. I was supposed to be the perfect one. I have tried to be perfect for so long. I gave up when I learned that society feeds us chocolate covered concrete. I gave up when the sun went down and the moon never came up. I gave up when the mirror started to grab my eyes and made me stare. I gave up when I couldnt give up. Now I'm just trying to appear perfect. I'm faking everyone out I'm so fun to talk to I'm such a happy girl Mom I will do ballet and help you clean Daddy I will run so you can be proud You deserve to be proud of something I'm just sorry that it has to be fake. I don't know how long this will go on Just try to enjoy the show while it lasts.
Have I gone to far? I keep thinking about it A tickle in the back of my mind I constant nagging I can't shake I want to be happy Peaceful But nothing seems to work The less I eat the fatter I feel The harder I exercise the more I pick on myself The better grades I get the less I feel I've accomplished I dont know how to get back where I was To undo the wrong turn But I dont know how to do that. The harder I try to climb from this hole full of darkness the deeper I slip back down