Lately I've come to see
that the reason behind
the empty journals
and blank pages
lies within the hollow sound
of my barely beating heart.

Because if we're being honest,
and we are,
I felt you drifting away
from a forever we laced together
with sunshine
and lavender scented sheets.
And the worst part is,
all I could do was watch
as you floated from my arms
into hers.

And with my dull brown orbs I was no match
for her electric blue ones.
I guess we're meant to lose some battles,
but every time my phone rings,
a part of me wishes it was you,
calling me to tell me
that you missed me as much as I missed you
and I swear,
I would rip out my heart
in the blink of an eye
and hand it right back to you.

Because truth-be-told
I'm tired of being numb.
I'm tired of trembling hands
and blank canvases
on stifling summer nights.
So if I could be by your side,
if even for a minute,
I would give up everything,
I would run back to the small forever we shared
to feel whole again,
to feel anything again.

But my phone will not ring
and my heart will not feel
until I find something
that lets me heal.

So for now,
this is our goodbye.

It is a constant pressure underneath my breastbone
That whispers evil at all hours of the day
'I could rip the life from a human without remorse'
'I could bleed them out with a smile on my face'

It is an unending notion in every corner of my brain
That, had I the motivation, I would immediately claim
'I could ingest a deadly concoction and disappear in a second'
'I could enact any complicated process that ends with me slain'

It is a nightly terror that follow me through daybreak
That renders me speechless with both fear and liberation
'I could let go of control and forget about mere consequence'
'I could finally allow my brain to drown in this sensation'

Homicidal. Suicidial. Manical.
I exercise control against these urges.
Massacre. Exhaustion. Insanity.
I wonder when I will forget this.