She's knocking on my door again
She's saying she feels down
I want to rip the world apart
Until she doesn't frown.

Six horrendous years
I chased you like an addiction
Like water in a dessert
Like an angel in heaven.

Six ******* years
You didn't care about me.
Threw around I love you's
And I followed blindly.

I'm done, my dear best friend
I'm done, you broke my heart
You used me when you were hurt
And ripped me apart.

I want you to care
But I've already stopped
And your knocking again
And I'm flipping you off.

You had six years
I'm fed up
Cause six years of nothing
Was never enough.

I will rip you, I'll rend you, I'll tear you apart
I will shave away your skin with my nails
And carve your bones with my teeth
I will tear the hair from your head and wrap it round your throat.

I will **** you

I want your blood on the tip of my tongue
I want to to smile as your lungs fill with blood
I want to rip your jugular and watch you die
And since I really want to, I know I really could.

My soul, my heart is ablaze with anger
Only the glass of your dead eyes can quench
My mind is a wasteland of war
Made peaceful by your pain.

By my hand and from my anger
You will be ripped from this world
By my hand and from my anger
Will this knot of insanity unfurl.

Let Earth conflagrate
Let the fire you take you as it has me
Let the universe burn
Burn you to a cadaver, a carcass, a body.

They teased
And laughed
She smiles
But it hurts

They complain
And hate
And she apologizes
But it hurts

They ignore
They return
She accepts them
But it hurts

They confide
They don't listen
So she's quiet
But it hurts

They're confused
They don't understand
But she's gone now
And it doesn't hurt anymore.

Should they next ask
"How
Can I help"
I may say
"Stop leaving marks on me
And I'll stop
Marking
Myself."

Some days
I see how you act
With her
And I remember
I'm the child
You
Didn't want.

I used to do it slow
Drag the knife like a violin bow
Just to see my blood
Spill out the way it should

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I used to feel spite
Nipping at my heart day and night
But then I found the knife
And everything was alright

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I used to be so good
Better than any child ever could
And then the pAiN found me
So dense, it is, I cannot see

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I used to write letters
And hope they'd know me better
When I finally left this world
Ripped free like an oyster's pearl

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I'm a different person now.
I'm no longer in pAiN
I'm living in apathy
In ever-constant rain

Slices are merely cuts
And blood is nothing big
Pain is simply life
And calm is nonexistent

The method behind the madness
Always shows in the end
I cut my arms to see my blood,
Feel the pain and realize I'm alive again.

It is now that we feel the uselessness of our effort
It is now that our moral fades and retreats away
It is now that we wrap ourselves in memories
It is now that we surrender and lose our pride and names

This is the defeat of hope and optimism
This is the cutting down of what was good
This is what happens when one faces a legion
This is the doubt of what was and what should

And so the land is barren and we walk barefoot
And the sun roasts us alive and we drink our tears, our blood
And so the people who did win are happy and rejoice
And so the people who did win have found riches and love

We are the defeated who surrendered in the end
We who realized that, no, we really can't.
We are the defeated who surrendered to reality
And so the winners may laugh whilst our feet burn on sand.

Dear Chaus,

Wishing upon that shooting star
For something more than what you are
Heartbreaking as you send your wish afar
But you'll never be more than simply subpar.

Calling out for a goal, an ambition
Reaching hard to make the distance
Running until you lose your vision
Then crashing when, again, you miss it.

Because all you are is a common entity
With not a single redeeming quality
All you are is a lackluster commodity
Thrown away once something better is seen.

Are you lonely yet, does the feeling invade your soul?
Are you lonely yet, now that you feel so old?
Are you lonely yet and has your optimism run cold?
Are you lonely yet, are you ready to go?

Does it crush you in that way that makes death seem sweet?
Does it rend you in the fashion that forces up what you eat?
Does it poison you like smoke that your lungs forever keep?
Does it drag you like nicotine, controlling your feet?

How do you do now, my dear, and those cuts on your arms?
How do you do now, my dear, with no father to bring you harm?
How do you fare, my dear, when all is at peace and warm?
How do you fare, my dear, with the paranoia, the alarm?

Is it too much or just enough, are you running to the end?
It is too good or too bad, will you shun those helping hands?
Is it too loud or too quiet, is love still in your plans?
Is it to nice or to cruel, now do you understand?

As all you'll ever be, you are ending in this moment
All you wish to see that you've smashed on the pavement.
All the time you had that your decisions use as payment.
All the people who've passed that you wished would have come with.

This is what is waiting for you in a year, a decade, a century
This is what is waiting and this is all you'll ever see
Disappointment by disappointment, never quite depression-free
This is what is waiting: anything but content or happy.

So next you feel the call of some obscure way to die
I bid you take the chance, let not another chance pass by
The next you feel fed up and you can only think to cry
Put down your tears and dance and kiss this cruel world goodbye.

Love,
Chaus

"Greedy girl," they whisper
For two was not enough.
I am not whole, with one more soul
I need two to give my trust.

Lovely trio of mine
I couldn't wish for more
Yet they call me a freak, "Love's for two, not three!"
They mutter that I'm a *****.

I'm not jealous or undecided
I'm not cheating and it's not abuse
Just because you've never doesn't mean three isn't better
For one who is not confused.

"Perhaps this is a phase,"
"No-one in their right mind would wish
For three or for four, how about two, who needs more?"
They all think just like this.

But I am polyamorous
My partners are in the plural
And we love equally, it doesn't matter that we're three
Our relationship breaks no ethic or moral.

So judge as you will
Judge as you please
I am proud of my *** and sexualities
And it's polyamory for me.

Green is to jealousy as Red is to rage
Lock these feelings in a cage
I'll rend and tear and rip you apart
My rage is sweet and my envy's ****

Green is to jealousy as Red is to rage
I'll **** you horribly in my craze
I'll drink your bones and chew your blood
My rage is voracious but my envy's good

Green is to jealousy as Red is to rage
I'll sprinkle my hatred with a bit of sage
I'll spice up my envy to be bitter hot
My rage is content but the envy's not

Green is to jealousy as Red is to rage
This isn't just a passing phase
I'm off in the deep end, I've lost my mind
My jealous rage is one of a kind.

Ana and Mia are my best friends
Down goes the food, then back up again
"Don't eat it, doll, you must be thin"
"Well, now that you have, regurgitate it."

It's delicious on the tip of my tongue
Then bitter like guilt the second I'm done
It's heavy in my stomach and I can't move
Until I lean over the toilet and purge the food.

Ana and Mia are my best friends
They'll stick with this fat girl till the end.
Ana and Mia are my diet plan
My throat is burning but at least I'll be thin.

Bittersweet lime-flavoured love
An apparition, a ghost, a face I think of
A mere shadow without definition or name
A hopefulness for the fulfilment of why I came.
Stretching into the ghetto of my mind
Is a body, a shape, a stencil of who may be mine
Reaching against the wicked hands of time
Yet never grasping; a drop of sugar, a cup of lime

Down on my knees with my hands clasped tight in prayer
And my will alone shakes the foundation, yet no one appears
Errant tendrils of loneliness grip at my rotting soul and heart
And the rejection, and the hurt, and the hope tears me apart.
I am now a sinister, cynical shell of who I used to be
And I plead, I beg the monotony to set me free
As I am suffocating on the slimmest sliver of a wish
My head turned upwards, lips waiting for a kiss.

Whether love, or like, or grudging intimacy
So be it, for I need it, and whatever else it may be
Thus, I will wait by the water's edge where the waves are violent
I'll wait at the volcano's peak, before it erupts, when all is quiet.
I'll hang to a fraying rope placed miles above solid ground
I'll stand at the edge of a tall building and dizzy myself looking down
Until someone, or something, arrives from somewhere to extend my time
Until the taste finally fades: a drop of the sweetest sugar, a cup of bitter lime.

There is nothing here
And here is nothing at all
And there is no rhyme, or reason
Or meaning or purpose
As we work towards nothing
Whilst we live in nothing.

There is no end
And there is no beginning
And there is nothing after the end
And there was nothing before the beginning
Thus we merely exist and then we do not
Yet we never began existing at all

And in our absurdity,
Our damnable inanity,
When do we realize the monotony?
When do we realize the lack of purpose?
And when we do, should we also realize
There is no time or place or distance?

And then shall we understand
There is no 'we'
And there is no 'there'
And 'we' 'exist' in 'nothing' at all
Or shall we continue to find meaning
In the forever meaningless?

You said I just want attention
Just want to be Queen for a day
That I always had to be in control
Always had to have it my way

Well, welcome to my palace peasant
Kneel down and kiss my feet
I don't need you anymore
But you sure as hell need me

And the Queen will rule her people, under her they shall be free
Let the traitors scatter and flee or die with her next decree

Welcome to my palace
I only love my own
And if you plan to leave
I'll be happy when you're gone

The people of my kingdom
Are the air in my lungs
But should they turn on me
I'll cut them down and breathe the sun

The leaders under my reign, may one day want my throne
Express your envy nobly and I'll nobly cut you down

My successor will be ethereal
And lead my people with pride
All against my reign
Kindly, step aside

For I am the Queen!
I am the leader!
My traitorous little minion....

You were lucky to be here.

Company is my friend
Who leaves the party first
No matter how hard
Loneliness and I have worked

The first to arrive is Anger
(Though no one really likes him)
He always brings Bitter
And sometimes Exhaustion

Tears comes by occasionally
But only when Depression's around
And when Suicide joins us
Every one leaves town

Insanity's a regular
But her humor is quite lame
And these are all my friends
And we do this every day

Help is the party-pooper
She's stuck up beyond belief
Always saying we just want Attention
Yet she only ever brings Grief

And so the party ends
And no one's feeling better
And every **** time I write
Suicide another letter

We're getting to be good friends, but first, I must say:

There's nothing wrong with you
Lift your head up high

You always seem so trapped
But just this once, you can fly

You're quiet and reserved in person
But, ****, do you get by

You're unique and that's alright
(Jesus, how much incense do you light?)

You're art is amazing, kudos and kudos again
Did you need to hear that tonight?

You're intelligent as hell
And you don't even try

You don't spout *******
Though others always lie

You're not egotistical at all
You don't use "I" all the time

So yeah, I just wanted to say
You're doing good in life.

Now I'm hoping you don't read this
Because this is literally just what I thought
Of you with a little rhyme scheme
As well as what I think you're not

But if you do read this
I kinda admire you
You're one of those surreal people
Who still lets reality through

Craving interaction
Some sort of relationship
But never finding much
In this caricature of happiness

Lost but still searching
Considering the end
Yet never reaching finality
Without the needed confidence

Ragged cries of 'Help'
So scared, so lonely
Would give anything for a friend
Without the shallow ceremony

Please, help
Loss of common sense
People just aren't worth the effort
The fog of failure is so dense

Realizations in blue ink
Revelations written red
Hopes and dreams in yellow
Lay down and go to bed

Assumptions in bright orange
Bitter feelings written green
Colour scars these pages
Accented in screams

Vibrant hues straight from the vein
And onto the perception of reality
Force the depression down again
Let the façade run free

This isn't life at all
This isn't what should be
Colour scars these pages
The shades of insanity

Reaching out for help
And latching to an apparition
And
              Falling
                                Falling
  ­                                               Falling
                                                         ­          Fading from existence
                                                       ­           
                                                                ­   Hopeless desperation
                                                     ­              Quiet loneliness
                                                      ­             Stark disappointment
                                                  ­                 Life shouldn't be like this
                                                            ­        
                                                        ­           Whispers in the dark
                                                            ­       Of what the end could mean
                                                            ­       Careful consideration
                                                   ­                Let the colour bleed
                                                                ­  
                                                                ­   Hatred marked in violet
                                                          ­         Pain in large steaks of white
                                                           ­        Final blue-inked realizations
                                                    ­               Goodbye and goodnight

Imagining things
I'm never going to do
Reading a book
Eating some food

Lonely
Depressed
Motivationless

You never cease to surprise me
I'm always entertained
And through your constant shock value
You always slip away

See, what's mine is what I keep
It never leaves my sight
But in a moment of pure surprise
In a manner so mild, so trite

You break my expectations
You twist away from me
This is the longest I've kept pursuit
This is how pursuit should be!

Craving, chasing, courting
Salivating when victory draws near
Elusive, evading, ensnaring
An exquisite prey of no fear.

This is a game!
This is how life should be!
And the best of the best is that
No-one's playing but me!

You don't see the board
But I see every piece
And yet you lead me and dupe me
In a game never to cease.

Oh that I could continue forever
With you, I'd never tire
And you'd work me down to bones
And I'd beg you, "Take me higher"

May you never lose your shock value
You're never what I expect
And I'll forever be infatuated
With your difference from the rest.

Hushaby
My love
We will depart
Soon.

Hushaby
Dear one
Let us be
Gone.

Hushaby
It is time
Let us not
Wait.

Hushaby
We will leave
Before we see the
Sun.

Hushaby
Child, it is
Almost time to
Go.

Hushaby
You are more
Pure than fallen
Snow.

Hushaby
Do not fret
Departure is a
Joy.

Hushaby
My love
Together
Evermore.

Sometimes
I just
Lay on my bed
Crying as I recalled
The many ways you
Showed me you hated me.

Stay a little longer
The worlds not so bad
I love you, stranger
Please don't be sad

When the knife is in your hand and you want to die
Imagine I'm there whispering, "Please stay alive."

Maybe it's your home life
Or a relationship
But I love you, stranger
I doesn't have to be like this

When you're crying and you need to see blood
Open your computer and I'll comfort you like they should.

When you're lower than Earth's core
When you feel ready to leave
I love you, stranger
Please stay with me

You're slicing your arms and you won't eat
Wipe your eyes, clean your arms, and have something sweet.

You think no one cares
You hate yourself so much
I love you, stranger
I hope that's enough

You want love so bad, you want a hug
And I'm ready to give that, all it takes is some trust.

Because I want to listen
I want to see you well
I love you , stranger
More than you can tell

So when you need a someone to talk to, I'll be right here
I love you stranger, I'll lend an ear.

I am empty
I have nothing to give
And this feeling prevails in me
Affecting how I live

Something is hurting
Deep inside of me
And there is no direction
In the chaos, the insanity

Something is aching
Perhaps behind my eyes
But everything is okay
lies, lies, lies

Something is throbbing
In the recesses of my brain
And I reach and reach
And find nothing but pain

Something is tired
Ready to be put to rest
Knife at my throat
One last breath

Something is hurting
A dull, aching pain
And I'd give anything
Never to feel again

Something's hurting
Can you help me?
Something's hurting
Make it stop, please.

Something's fed up
Blood down my arms
Something's crying
With only itself to harm

Something is empty
Just a bag of organs and blood
Something is wondering
If it really could

Something's resolving
Something's got a gun
Something's going on
Something's finally won

Because Something's hurting
And nobody cares
And when Something's fading fast
Who will be there?

There is form Here
Form, chance, life
Might I leave it for the after?
Might I trade for the steady?
Shall I walk the roads of eternity,
Forever calm in memory?
Shall I make myself malleable,
Finitely changing upon the whistle of whim?
Mayhaps I should linger Here
And feel the dread of existentialism
And wonder forever more.
Mayhaps I should search for an answer
Beyond the void of eternity
Beyond the vertigo of life.
And wonder I will as I wander
Into the future ever yonder
Searching for meaning
Reaching for sense
And may I find knowledge
That I might lay it to rest Here
Where we have all begun
Where we might all end.

Pretty little people
With pretty little plans
And pretty little laughs
Behind pretty little hands

Ugly old *****
Laughing at what they said
Smiling so happily
Wishing them all dead

Pretty little people
With pretty little secrets
They confide in the ugly old *****
So sure that she'll keep it

Ugly old *****
Hateful and jealous
She wants let it go
But she's too lonely to tell it

Pretty little people
With their ******* pretty smiles
Pretty little people
Laughing all the while

Pretty little people
With endless self-esteem
Pretty little people
With pretty little dreams

Ugly old *****
Trying to be real
Ugly old *****
Don't know what to feel

Ugly old *****
Snapping at the seams
Ugly old *****
And yes, that ***** is me

I get....excited
Because I'm insecure
I want to cling to what I have
And what I didn't have before

I get hyper
I have to hold on tight
So if I come off badly
It's so you don't leave my sight

I'm very....possessive
I can't give what's mine away
I need to have the people
That I really want to stay

I get loud
To attract attention
I'm versatile
I want to be mentioned

I change depending on who's talking
To better fit their expectation
And when they like me
I chain myself to them

So, my bad
I'm a bit manipulative
And yes, my bad
I don't want to be hated

I get... mean
When things don't to plan
I gravitate to those
Who'll take my outstretched hand

I'm envious of most people
Who can show what they feel
Because I don't want to feel pathetic
So I never act real

I get...anxious
When I don't feel in place
So I fake self-confidence
And let come what may

I've no self-esteem
And I'm very bitter
When I boost up others
And I feel no better

I get...jealous
My friends are mine alone
And I will not, I cannot
I refuse to let them go

So, my bad
I know I'm a mess
I can blame it on my past
That I've never put to rest

And yes, my bad
Please don't hate me
I know I'm not ideal
I know I'm crazy

I'm actually quiet
I'm actually paranoid
I'm actually misophonic
I actually hate noise

I don't like most people
I pretend that I do
So I know it's my bad
If I've mislead you

Because I get lonely
My mind has it's own agenda
I pull people in
Because I feel horrendous

I get...overwrought
And I swear off food
And I cut my arms
And I sit and brood

This is all my fault
Please don't be mad
I swear, I can change
My bad, my bad

Fake and pristine
Smile on my face
Tired and angry
The facade fades

It's a slow burn, my anger
A slow burn to conflagration
It's a slow burn, my anger
I'm done with expectations

I want someone to understand
What I can't communicate
To sweep me off my feet
And hug the pain away

I want someone to calm me
More than a flash of sharp steel
To comfort me sans blood
To show me what is real

I want someone who mends me
Without the help of pain
Who undoes my ragged stitches
And rewrites my brain

I want someone who'll support me
When I'm too weak to stand
When I want to cut, steal, smoke
Itching like the addict I am

I want someone to love me
More than I hate myself
To hold me when I cry
Always ready to help

I want someone who apologizes
When they say hurtful things
Who realizes and is remorseful
When the tread on my self-esteem

I want someone who indulges me
And the paranoia I carry
When I can't even leave home
When the world is too scary

I want someone who'll see through me
When I'm wearing my fake grin
When I want to cry so badly
When the facade stretches thin

I want someone who'll listen
To the story of my life
And hold me and rock me
And put away my knife

I want someone who'll reach out
When my apathy arises
And I don't bother to keep in contact
They push past my devices

I want someone who'll see me
When I can't see through the mirror
When the image is all wrong
And I still need to be thinner

I want someone who'll watch me
Put an extra scoop on my plate
Who'll make sure I eat the food
And keep down what I ate

I want someone who'll hide me
From society's expectations
And wrap themselves around me
Block the accusations

I want someone who'll hold my hand
Who'll hold me through the night
Who'll make me feel safe and at home
Someone who'll treat me right

It is dark and beautiful here
The people bleed black rivers
The ground is a golden sore
Festering blue pus

There are shelves and shelves
Shelves filled with files
Some black, some red
Some a vertigo of emotion and color

There are spaces, where files used to be
Where the trauma has been erased
There are flimsy files
Where the trauma has been overwritten

In this beautiful, dark place
There is chaos.
There is no silence
There is no peace

There are two holes
They show something normal
These holes look to a limb
The limb bleeds red

There is silence here.
The limb bleeds after the silver
And there is blissful silence
Until the chaos returns

And so we must repeat.

It's been a long while
Since you last tried to die
So you fixed the distance
And you said "Hi"

And the conversation was fond
The words tinged with familiarity
The word 'love' used heavily
Every letter soaked in nostalgia

You replied so awkwardly
And you searched for what to say
But everything had been said by saying nothing
Small talk, frivolous conversation to lead you home

Yet you are so hopeful, so ready to begin again
And you try, I try, we try to find what we were
And we use the word 'love' heavily
Because there may be no time left, though we hope

And so this poem is for you
You who I am so fond of in my awkwardness
So hopeful in our frivolous, little talks
As we speak heavily of love

I like your personality
I like the way you smirk
I like the way you dance
I like your little, cute quirks

But I like your body more
I'm a shallow, callous girl
I like the way you move
Won't you take me for a twirl?

I like those body rolls
I like the way you sway
I like the way you gyrate
God, I ******* crave

The body
Your body
Your abs are so illegal
The body
Your body
That voice you have is lethal

I want you to rock me
Don't cuddle me
This isn't a romance
I want to move through me
Use me
I want to dance

With your body
With you
With that smirk you have
Just us two

And this is how it goes
I want you to rock me
I'm a shallow, callous girl
And I'm attracted to your body.

Abigail is words, whispered in the dead of night
Abigail is pearls, so meticulously shined
Abigail is wind, personal yet public
Abigail is din, a beautiful ruckus

Bigail is books, every breath is a story
Bigail is gems, rich in her glory
Bigail is breeze, a soothing chill
Bigail is ease, with a bit of thrill

Igail is water, playful but cold
Igail is stormy, brewing and bold
Igail is calm, willing to wait
Igail is balm, soothing this place

Gail is half, fading quickly
Gail is worn, fragile and sickly
Gail is Earth, loving and warm
Gail is mirth, behind her thorns

Ail is sweet, and yet so sour
Ail is blood, of the hearts she devours
Ail is tears, as she turns to leave
Ail is fears, that she can't retrieve

Il is less, than sweet Abigail
Il is more, for she left a trail
Il is mad, raving lunatic
Il is bad, coughing and sick

L is tired, ready to go
L is crying, way down below
L is left, hanging by a thread
L is befret, the words she said

* * is nothing
There's nothing left of Abigail
No words left to whisper
Gone without a trail.

Every little sound.
Every person in sight.
Every shadow in a corner.
Every flicker of a light.

Heart starts racing.
Beating out of the chest.
Sweat down the temples.
Shaking like a wreck.

Tears down the face.
Running out of breath.
Mouth desert dry.
Mind so befret.

This is paranoia.
Every second of every day.
This is what I go through.
The fear that always stays.

This is paranoia.
The terror of simple life.
This is how the years will be lived.
Scared and riddled with strife.

I had an idea
It starts with an 'E'
I had an idea
It was all for me
I had an idea
So bright in my head
Like a Kodak moment 'click'
But now the ideas' dead

I had an idea
And everyone wanted to know
I had an idea
As beautiful as snow
I had an idea
Pretty as can be
I had an idea
And it's all for me

I had an idea
Like music on the wind
I had an idea
Like freedom from sin
I had an idea
As tangible as brick
I had an idea
But now I've lost it

When my bones and joints creak
When my voice can barely leave my throat
When my head aches for hours on end
When I need more and more sleep

When creativity is a chore
When I'm too jaded for the word "love"
When success feels like an if
When fun isn't fun anymore

These are just little reminders
Life's way of warning me
I don't have all the time in the world
Even though I don't know what to reach for

Just those little signs
That whisper, "you're getting older"
Just enough to bring me down
And remember the hands of time.

None of your friends agree
Not a one of them approves
Your parents are disappointed
But what are you to do?

I've sworn up and down
That you are my love, indeed.
I've sealed my lies in blood
Covering the warnings you won't heed.

I'm just the demon in your closet
Follow me little churchboy
I'm the only one who'll ever fit
No matter what I destroy

I've bid you question your faith
When you're down on your knees
And when you next go to pray
You'll only think of me.

Because He will never miss you
When you push past the 'holy' doors.
He won't remember you even existed
Or what you needed him for.

But I need you like air
Like fish need the sea
I need you like Earth needs the sun
I need you to need me.

So come hither, into my grasp
And I'll never release you from me
I'll worship you like the sun
And in your bindings, you shall be free.

I'm ready to leave now
This is the last of the poetry
That'll ever go from me to you
Cuz I'm better than you'll ever be
And now I am through.

I hope it felt good
When you broke me down
Because I've been made anew
And I run this town
And I'm so done with you.

So when you see the poems
I wrote with you in mind
Remember this is the last one
And I'm leaving you behind
It's been (Hell) fun.

Darling, darling
May I hold you in my arms?
And rock you until
You've cried out every injustice
Every done to you?

Darling, darling
Might I endear myself to you?
Until your very instinct is to look to me
For the strength you need
To win every battle?

Darling, darling
Shall I be your diamond sheild?
Impervious to damage
In my complete conviction
To protect you from harm?

                                                                                    But you don't see me, do you?
I am not an option for you.
                                                                                    I won't call you darling any longer.
I am not to be forgotten.

You may never turn around to see me
And I, darl-, I may never care again.

I've held us together
When we're falling apart
With copious amounts of
Duct tape and super glue
I held on tightly
Until my fingers were cramping
But I'm starting to think
It's time to let go

I wrote you some poems
You can find on my page
That explained how I'd never give up
And I know they're all lies
Because in this moment
I wouldn't just let go
I'd push, I'd shove, I'd ****** you from me
This isn't what friendship is like

Your one word answers still hurt
When I pour my heart out to you
And I'm still thinking you don't care
Until you have something to tell
Do you listen to me at all?
It's been six years, but I never asked.
Am I even your best friend?
Or am I your personal punching bag?

I'm tired of you breaking my ideas
Of you raining on my parade
Because if I did the same
I know you'd ignore me for days upon days
So this is me saying "Farewell"
I'm detaching myself from you
I'm not an extension of you anymore
I know know nothing about you.

When all I'm doing is enjoying your presence?
When I can't decide whether I want to hear your voice?
When all I'm doing is taking in your appearance
But, to pursue you, I don't plan on making that choice?

This is my version of a crush, I suppose
Subjecting myself to a beautiful Hell
More than ready to be led by the nose
Breaking off bits of my heart for you to sell

I'm not looking for love in this
Just someone to sympathize
And then I'll wonder why I didn't get you
When I never even tried.

Sorry Mommy, I'm not the better daughter
I'm sorry, Daddy, I wasn't what you wanted
I'm sorry I'm not good enough yet
I'm sorry I for everything I never said
I'm sorry I'm a overweight, I'll fix it I swear
I'm sorry I'm cutting, but I need it to keep me sane
I'm sorry I smoke, but it's my replacement for air
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm crying
I'm sorry
There's no point to this
I've already ruined everything
I'm so, so, so sorry
Sorry.
Sorry.
I know it doesn't help.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I can't make up for what I've done.
But I am sorry.
I'm sorry I was born
I know you didn't expect me
I'm sorry I wasn't born a boy
I'm sorry I acted to much like you
I'm sorry I made you hate me
I'm sorry I'm annoying
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything.
Whatever you don't like about me
I'm sorry it's there
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I cry so much
I'm sorry I'm not pretty
I'm sorry I left
I'm sorry
Sorry.


I'm so sorry
I don't know what else to apologize for
I'm sorry you have to spend money on me
I'm sorry I don't know what to be sorry for
I'm sorry I said I hated you
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm not useful yet
I'm sorry I don't make all A's
I'm sorry I don't get math
I'm sorry I don't like science
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry you don't love me.
I'm sorry I want you to.
I'm sorry
I'm so very sorry
I'm sorry I don't call you Mommy anymore
I'm sorry I don't call you Daddy anymore
I'm sorry
I'm sorry you have to be my parents
I'm sorry I'm not good enough
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I know it's not enough

Sorry.

Because you only hurt
The places I can't see
You only create wounds
In places I can't reach

Because you're just like the others
Just like everyone I tried before
Because when I put in everything
You leave me broken and sore

Because you got me thinking
About everything I hate to want
And when I told myself to take the risk
You left me needing and alone

Because I'm too insecure for what you want
Even though you pull harder than my push
And when I think you're falling with me
You save yourself while I'm snapping out of the rush

Because I could say so much when people ask
Why I haven't finally had more than enough
When they ask why my heart lives on my sleeve
But to this day, I've only replied "Just because."