Poetry is for those losers
Who understand life better than you
When you're ripping up their paper
And stealing their lunch food

Poetry is for that loser
You pushed down the stairs yesterday
Who wasn't and isn't at school anymore
Because the hospital's trying to fix the breaks

Poetry is for those losers
You beat down with all your friends
Who you threaten not to tell anyone
Or you'll make sure that they can't

Poetry is for that loser
Whose slicing up their skin
Who you laugh at daily
Until they go and cut again

Poetry is for those losers
Who won't eat a single bite
Because you always call them a "******"
And they cry through the hunger at night

Poetry is for that loser
Who always makes straight A's
Whose homework you steal and shred
Until they can't salvage their grade

Poetry is for that loser
The one that always cried
The one you least expected
To commit suicide

My cuts still bleed in the morning
Long after I put the knife away
And when you rush in and find me
It is far too late to ask me to stay

I'm living six feet underground
My corpse and the bugs play all night long
I'm happy to be gone but I wonder will you
Write something pretty on my headstone?

I forget sometimes, why
I'd stopped caring what you do
Now we talk again (we lie)
And I seriously ******* hate you

You make me a blubbering mess
Of vulnerability and anxiety
And under any amount of duress
I'll admit my hatred and push you from me

You grate on my nerves with your easy smile
So confident whilst I am without esteem
The very sight of you chokes me on my own bile
I wish to rend your flesh from your bones as you scream

I hate you
Abhor you
Despise you
Loathe you

And no matter how attractive
You used to be to me
Your personality is just ugly enough
For me to hate you with glee

This will work out
She and I
Are good together.

Even though I fear
Her life
Ever fading far away.

It's time for a beginning
I have
Very high hopes.

If you decide to read this
I've spelt
Out your name.

I want you to know
I don't
Plan on leaving.

I won't run from
This commitment
If she'll have me.

We could be good
I know
We could be great.

But I am frightened
And starstruck
I'm deeper than planned.

I want to make
Her smile
All throughout the day.

When I acknowledged
My interest
She revealed her's to me.

I was terrified
But happy
And worried for her sanity.

She deserves much better
So I
Aspire to be more.

She scared me with
Her disregard
Of her own life.

Every day I wondered
If she'd still
Be here tomorrow.

She was attractive
To me
Even when she was taken.

I used to know you like that
I used to know you better
I used to know the details of your smile
I used to know the workings of your brain

But we grew apart, miles apart
And now you're to far from my reach
And the distance hurts, it kills so sweetly
And I don't realize how far you are until you're gone

And I've missed you so badly lately
I miss you more than I miss myself
I miss you more than the old me who
Missed you better before you'd even left

I'm sure in some years, we'll have awkward chats
And I'm sure in some years I'll not be so bitter
And I know you think in some years we'll be friends
And have borderline domestic conversation about our kids

But I miss you now and I'll miss you after those years
I'll miss the easy camaraderie we've had from the start
I'll miss our borderline romantic relationship
I'll miss people asking if you were mine and vice versa

I miss the way you used to pull me flush against you
And I miss how I'd wind my arms round your neck
I miss how I felt your heartbeat beside mine
I miss how safe, how loved, how dependent I felt then

I miss how you'd calm me down with your presence
I miss how you'd take care of me, though I fought it tooth and nail
I miss feeling like I could try to overcome my fears to be with you
I miss how oblivious you were to how I felt, no matter what I did

I miss your irritating smile that always makes me do the same
I miss they way I used to feel when I wrote poetry about you
I miss the way you tried to hold me, though I was too scared to let you
I miss the way you looked when I mentioned other people purposefully

I miss the way we never said those three words; we weren't that far
I miss the way you broke me down and I let you, though it hurt
I miss the way I rebuilt myself to need you less and ended up needing you more
I miss the way you smiled when I couldn't do without you

And now we talk around the elephant in the room softly
And I hate averting my eyes like this, but I can't stop
I hate how we're just friends, even though it could be more
I hate how it should be more. It should be more, and you know it

I hate how I'm moving on, finding other people to fill the hole you left
I hate how I still feel empty, even though it's not been long enough to call it love
I hate how much it hurts to see you, though I mask the pain and smile
And I hate how I miss you even more than I miss myself

Society is a clay mold
Taking every newborn into its fold
Kissing each brow with insecurity, shame
Releasing it's victims, carbon-copies, all the same

Society is a line graph's *****
Plotting point ever upwards in hope
Shunning those who are different, who fight
Loving only those who are "normal", all outliers denied

Society is a disease, nipping at the soul
Filing and wearing down on the young and old
Breaking every innocent into a pessimistic, jaded mess
Rending, tearing, stomping, destroying whatever is left

Lurking in the shadows
In which you hide your pain
Wrapped around the parts
Of yourself that cause you shame

I am Madness
I am insanity
I am all of you
And you are part of me

I've posted a picture
And no one has liked it
It hasn't a single comment
And I have grown befret

Yes, children are starving worldwide
And that family has no where to sleep
And there is a war just over there
But no one has liked this picture of me

I written a clever status that's sure to cause a laugh
I posted it with complete confidence of it's worth
It's been a full day and not a single person cared
And even though it shouldn't, it really hurts

And it's these insipid, inane, insignificant things
That seem so important at the time
That make me stop and seriously ponder:
'Just when exactly did I lose my mind?'

When did I stop caring about that lady on the road?
When did I stop crying over all the deaths?
When did I begin ignoring that beggar?
Rather than give the dollars I had left?

When did I stop putting trash where it belongs?
When did I stop caring about that abandoned dog?
When did I start accepting that 'things won't change'?
Why am I just realizing I've been jaded far too long?

When did Earth become a vessel for my plans
Instead of my greatest comfort?
When did nature stop being my friend
And become leaves and bugs and dirt?

When did creativity become useless
And business begin to rule my brain?
When did fun become a chore?
Now that I must be 'serious and sane'

It's all the little things that made life pretty as a child
It's all the little things I haven't bothered to do once more
And if I just shook off this funk of 'maturity' and 'sensibility'
I dare say it would all come back and once again, I'd soar.

"I love him"
"She's my heart"
"He's brighter than the stars"
God, I'm about to ****

About to regurgitate every
Morsel of breakfast I ate
Along with the lunch I'll eat
If you keep going at this rate

Go wax your poetry
And when your through
I have a single word
Filled with disgust: "Ew".

I'm looking for friends
In this net of strangers
But when I reach out
No one answers

I'm greeting everyone I see
In this massive web of shadows
But none of them acknowledge me
Because I'm disrupting the natural flow

But I'm still going to hold out a hand
And hope someone will hold theirs out too
When I'm looking for friends, I don't want to be alone
So who will take my hand, will it be you?

Sweetheart
Babycakes
Love
Doll
Darling
Dear
***
Lovely

Stop.­*

You're making my skin crawl.
I don't respond well to kindness
So, please, do as the rest do
And just call me a *****.

I don't think you're
Even half as calm as you pretend
I don't think this doesn't bother you
The way you insist it doesn't
But I'm not going to change
Because I'm not sorry yet

You've moved on
You let her go
And I couldn't
For the life of me
understand how
Or much less why

She is, she was, she will be golden
And you are silver and I am coal
I understand I am out of place and line
But I might never see a shine like this again
So I'm more than happy to endear myself to her
Despite what you might feel, think, or say

You've found a different ore. I've yet to see what kind
Because I'm far to occupied watching the gold fade away
Into pure diamond. I'm not sorry yet.
I don't know how exactly you feel. I know you don't approve
But I'm slowing inching towards apathy to your opinion
It's unfair that you'd reject this for me, no matter my rank

I am a crow of a coal ore; if it's shiny- I want it.
She is iridescent in all the ways you never saw
I pledge nothing, I promise even less; however,
I don't see myself growing tired of this glow
And though that terrifies me, I'll push forwards
Because I'm not ready to make your mistakes

And I'm not sorry yet, I regret nothing
And I may never feel remorse for catching
What you so carelessly ****** from yourself
I don't require perfection, this diamond may have her faults
I won't reject the simple scars of life and love and laughter
And though you call me your friend, I won't apologize

And in the future, both distant and near, this may be taboo
We may avoid the topic on tiptoe and let the feelings fester
You may wait and crave an apology, and I will do the same
But I'll never apologize for following what my heart calls happiness
And you will never apologize for not accepting this the way you want to
Thus, I am not sorry yet, and I will not be sorry later.

When I told you I was better
When I said I never relapsed
When I said the scars were healing
When I said the food stayed down
When I said you could do the same
When I said it gets easier

I lied.

I still cut and avoid food
Like the plague
I still cry at night
And there's nothing in the mirror
I don't hate

I still feel ugly
And hate the colour
Of my skin
I still pinch at my stomach
And feel so obese

I still say I'm 'erotophobic'
As though people want me
I still tell people I'm straight
And that 'I love God'

I'm still ashamed
I still blame myself
I still deny anything happened
I still believe I'm telling the truth

I'm still paranoid
I'm still afraid of everything
I still feel weak
I still have panic attacks

I still want to be held
I still pretend I like to comfort
I still pretend I'm strong
I still pretend I care

I still throw up
And my throat still hurts
I still smoke
And it still doesn't help

I still have rampant thoughts
I still hate conversation
I still feel inadequate
I still pretend I like my poetry

I still try to write my stories
The words no longer come to me
I still try to create a family of friends
I still can't abide the noise enough
To make it work

I'm still bitter
I'm still violent
I'm still unhappy
I still fake everything I do

I'm not really okay.
Not really.
And I wanted to say 'I'm sorry,'
I lied.

I'm that pretty kitty
Sitting on your windowsill
Leaving dander on the glass
Looking more than my fill

My fur is brown and black
My claws are sharp as knives
My teeth are quite sinister
And I've still all nine lives

You've never paid me much attention
And I ceased attempts to receive it long ago
You go about your day ignoring me
And I stare covetously through the window

I know you can see me
Every blue moon, you'll wave
We actually get along in a way
But not enough to sate all I crave

I wonder if you'll ever notice
My stare is unadulterated jealousy
But you never seem to notice
I also envy that naivety

But I'm just the pretty kitty
Perched up on this windowsill
All I want is to be seen from inside
But no one ever will

I've only eyes for the inside though
I've got my friends on this side of the glass
And they look at me, bemused and disgusted
Because, in all ways and forms, I'm obsessed

But I'm different and I'm on the wrong side
And I'm just the pretty kitty on the windowsill
But I'm not comfortable with my own kind
And with yours, I'm just good for visual appeal

So I'll sit here on this windowsill
Gazing enviously
Because neither side fits me
But it fits them perfectly

I'm sort of sick
Of hating you
But loving you is too cliche

I'm just a bit over
Ignoring you
But talking is overrated

I'm so far past
Writing you poetry
This is the exception

I'm just a bit beyond
Trying to get you
Because I'd hate to lose you

I'm not one for valuables
As valuables are stolen
And it breaks my heart

Should I ever get you
The thief would theive
The robber would rob
The hitman would hit
The assassin, assassinate
The seductress, ******

And I would lose you
As I lose everything else
So I won't have you at all

Because I'm above liking your eyes
No matter how they shine
When you laugh so brightly

I'm not one to treat you right
Though I would hold the doors
And take the bill

I'm too good to watch you
While I memorize the words
You say in your own little way

I'm to great for your problems
But if you confided in me
I'd be your greatest ally

And I'm far too good for these tears
Because I've not lied about a single thing
Not a single thing I've written here

The sun is setting
I'm prepared for bed
But I cannot sleep over the sound
Of things that go bump in my head

The night is dark
All the children are abed
But I can't sleep with all
The thoughts in my head

What if someone breaks in?
I'm far past paranoid
The house is creaking and moaning
I jump up at every noise

Why is everyone asleep
When I'm in such a panic
What if they're all dead
And this is the apocalypse?

What if there's and earthquake?
What if there's a tornado?
And I can't go to sleep because
If I'm not awake I won't know

I have to stay awake
To make sure nothing happens
But if something happens anyway
What would I do then?

If a robber gets in
Would I really want to be awake?
I'd have a better chance of survival
If I could just go to sleep

But the night is scary
So I'll wallow in my dread
And stay awake to deal with
All that goes bump in my head

She is unhappy
She feels so scarred
She feels so ugly
She feels so large

She looks so tired
She looks so trapped
She seems so sad
So broken, so snapped

She doesn't cry like an angel
Her eyes are puffy and her face is a mess
She gives silent heaves and wipes at her nose
And she knows she as ugly as everyone says

She ***** in her cheeks
Pinches her nose
Pulls up her brows
Then drops the pose

She changes her clothes
She fixes her nails
She cuts her hair
And no one cares

She slathers on foundation
Stains her lips with rouge
Conceals every imperfection
Stills her hair with mousse

She still feels ugly
She still feels overweight
She still won't eat a bite of food
Until she feels she looks great

But that day isn't coming
She is judged everyday
By that mirror and that scale
And the model on the front page

She's fat, she knows it
She's not in perfect shape
There's no thigh gap
There's no one that likes her face

And she's staring at the mirror
Seeing her reality
She wants to look better
She wants to be pretty

She's staring at the mirror
She's waiting for the image to change
She's waiting for her work to pay off
She checking every single day

And she's staring in the mirror
It's been years and she still doesn't fit
And she's staring at the mirror
But never once has she liked the image

This is where we are not alone
This is where we call home
This is where we put down our knives
This is where we repent for our lives
This is where we put down the masks
This is where we drink our lasts
This is where titles cease to exist
This is where we evaporate into mist
This is where we lay down our pride
This is where we go to hide
This is where we go to weep
This is where we **** the innocent sheep
This is where we wash away the blood
This is where we attempt to trust
This is where we strip ourselves of black
This is where we find all we lack
This is where we find our roots
This is where we bury them in ash and soot
This is where we run away
This is where we all shall stay
This is where we pass the guilt
This is where we slide the knife in to the hilt
This is where we suffer from nightmares
This is where we pretend to care
This is where we hear what goes bump in the night
This is where we go to confide
This is where we find the wild ones
This is where we make them run
This is where we put them down
This is where we feel safe and sound
This is where we are the killers we are
This is where we lick our scars
This is where we dream of death
This is where we sob with regret
This is where we feel apathy set in
This is where we go to begin again
This is where we stay as there's nowhere else
This is us, we're begging for help
**We must be killers
Children of the wild ones
We must be killers
Where we got left to run?

I've devised a little plan
To create a family
Of the people I believe
I can let grow close to me
I'd like to be their sun
As they'll be my skies
And when one of us is hurting
We'll hold them as they cry
We will be the most loving
The most caring family
And my goal is selfless
It begun solely for me

So to all of my followers
Welcome to poem seventy eight
(If I counted right)
Then this may be a bit late...

But thank you for your support
Thanks for the reviews
Thanks for putting up
With my melancholy BS
When I'm feeling a bit blue

Thanks for all those likes
And thanks for all those shares
Thanks for making me feel
Like, "Hey, someone cares"

Thanks for all those messages
Thanks for trusting me enough
To send me a little message
Thanks for that trust

Thanks for every view
Thanks for everything
And, god, I never thought
I'd get this far with this poetry thing

Thanks for all the compliments
That make me strut around and preen
That make me giggle as I smile
(No, seriously, I gloat every single time I'm trending)

So, yeah, you guys are my success
And I'm nowhere near through
To the wind beneath my wings
This is a big, heartfelt "Thank You!"

I wanted to write
A poem about you
But I couldn't find anything
Catchy enough that describes
What you do to me.

You come and go
Like the ocean waves
And if I try to stand
Still, safe within your grasp,
You wash away the ground
And leave me stumbling and falling

You control me
Like the owner controls the dog
You beckon and I run
You call and I'm there
And I'm so eager to please
That I'll never realize that you, indeed, own me

You love me
Like the female angler fish loves the male
I'm not much more to you
Than a bag of blood and organs
Ready to be eclipsed by all you are
Forgotten and fading

You raise me
Your hands push me to the sky
And I can feel the weight of the atmosphere
And I've never felt so right
Until your hands disappear and I remember
We are quite wrong.

You smile for me
But you hate me
You cherish me
But you can't stand to see my face
And I always seem to forget
When you come back
Just why you left in the first place.

We've written volumes
In blood and scars and ink
We've told a million stories
Thought a million things
We've lived some hundred lives
Laughed our faces pink
And we did all just because,
Mischievous little minx

Imagine if you'd never spoken
Never showed me who you are
Imagine if you'd been quiet
And never helped me with wolf lore
(I'm grateful, by the way)
Imagine if you hadn't stayed
Then imagine how you did
And then reach out to feel me
Because I'm not leaving
And neither are you
We've got humor and care
(And your pain-******* hoodoo)
So when we get old
We'll smile and think
And reread the volumes we wrote
In blood and scars and ink

There's a king inside this girl
And yes, he rules the world
I named him and hid him away
But we all know he'll emerge someday
I go places where no one knows my face
And bind my chest away
I define my face like a man
And walk around, just cuz' I can
I dress in classy punk style
And my authority is felt for miles
Seas of people part to give me room
And I feel my confidence bloom
I hold all the power in the world
And they've no clue I'm a girl

"Mama, mama, come quick!
There's a king inside the girl!
He's got power and you can feel it
He's got strength to rock this world
Papa, papa, run fast!
This is something you've gotta see"
And you can bet that's what they'll be saying
When I reveal the king in me

Go home, I'll be there*
You say with a smile.

I can't quite make my smile look real.

That's not my home
That's not my place
I'm not comfortable there
Or with you.

This is just a house
I walk in and wipe my shoes
I try not to eat too much of the food
I don't go outside of where you do
I try to make as little an impression
I keep to myself and speak when spoken to

This is only a home to you.

This house doesn't feel lived in
It's sparkling and pristine
There's not a speck of dirt
Or any item out of place
And I can't even sit down
Without feeling like I've sullied something.

Stop inviting me here.

Stop trying to make me one of your own
Living in a clean little box we mistakenly call home
Conform to society and live a cubicle-based life
With a white picket fence and a family of no more than five

This isn't a home
There's no sign of life
And I'll never return as
This is just a house

I've got it portrait of myself
Drawn all on my own
I can see all of my flaws
That I dutifully scribbled down

And I'll show people with a smile
And they tell me it's quite ugly
And then blanch as they realize
I've drawn a picture of me

And there is some part of
My heart that takes the blows
Even though they called me pretty
My brain really knows

So I walk up to my mirror
And ***** my value, my assets
I don't think I'll ever understand
How anyone can look like this

All the magazines
I pour over hold
All the pretty people
All the pretty souls

And I wish I was like them
I wish I could be
But nothing seems to alter
My perception of reality

His lips pull into a wretched smile
That used to make me follow suit
But as it forms around hurtful words
I know that, in truth,

He was always ugly
And I was just entertainment
He'd never see me equally
And I'd never be able to make him

He mocks all I can't change
And discourages all that I do
And I've not enough self-confidence
To counter the words he threw

How did I miss how hideous
This child of a boy could be?
As now, he's set the standard
Of my definition of ugly

I get low sometimes thinking
We aren't and never will be the same
But then we get to talking
We remember all the good times
And I remember why I fell in love

In love with your smile
In love with your eyes
In love with laugh
In love with everything you'll ever be
In love with what you are to me

I'm in love when you're angry
Sad
Happy
Confused
Amused
I don't care

Because when I remember just what we've been through
I remember why I always have and will love you.

It chills like fire
It burns like ice
It's dark like day
And so bright like night
It's an oxymoron
That makes paradoxical sense
It's a pseudo-pseudonym
Filled with disguise, thick and dense
And it's become a fine mess
In the years I've been gone
The acute dullness
Of the field seems so wrong
But the change is the same
And the routine is ever-changing
And this name has no name
As we look for what we can't see

It flows
Like blood
Like fire
Like tears down my face
It hurts
Like love
Like hate
Like an end of the days
I want
I need
I don't even care
I cry
I weep
But nobody's there
The balcony is calling
Softly
Sweetly
It hurts to ignore
The ground below it
What am I waiting for?
The knife is whispering
Inside my head
It hurts to ignore
The peace behind the blade
What am I waiting for?
The  fire is calling
In my hand
It hurts to ignore
It's lung killing brand
What am I waiting for?
**** me
Hurt me
I'm so immune
Stab me
Laugh
Drive the knife home
Unfair with me
But not with them
Because you love them
You love them
You do
I'll **** them
And then **** you
Because I hate you
I hate you
I do
I'm insane
I've crossed the line
I feel the heady
On the Joy of time
After you've taken to much
After so little
I'm insane
I am
I look to the mirror
It speaks to me
I yell as my answer
As I am guilty
The mirror laughs
Like it always does
Then morphs into me
And by then
Through the tears
I can barely see
I hurt, I hurt
But I'll never let it show
Right down to the day I **** myself. No
Point in denying my end is my own
And I'll see to my life, on the way home
My head is collapsing
But my eyes are wide open
My shoulders crumble
My torso dissolves
But my legs keep walking
Until they fall
And fall they do
However, they fall up
And my head is abandoned
While my legs float up
I've no way to regain
The rest of myself
And what's left of me
Is still useless
Collecting dust on the shelf
And there's no one to love
And no one who'll love
There's no one to smile with
No one to talk to
And yet, all in all
I still stop in awe
As I look at those people
That I called friends
Who know so much
But so little in the end
And my family
Which isn't family at all
And my father whom I hate
And mother I abhor
And sisters I despise
What am I waiting for?
I could end it all
End it all tonight
**** them all
And leave at first light
And that's when I remember
I'm not truly insane
I put the knife away
And scold my brain
A stick of cancer at my lips
To chase the thoughts away
And as I inhale
I feel saner in every way
A fake smile that carries me through the day
I show it to my friends
And brush away
My problems, my issues
Because I don't matter
They should be happy
As my heart shatters
Four years, four years
Since my insanity began
I found love
I lost it again
I gave up my body
For hasty "I love you's"
Gave up my soul
Though I didn't mean to
Gave up my heart
I gave it to him
He thanked me
Took it
And left with it
A lifeless
Loveless
Disgusting corpse, I am
A foolish
Hopeful
Shell of what I used to be
I'm still waiting
Still hoping
But It'll never come
Just a bit too ugly
A bit too mean
A bit too caring
A bit too confident
A bit too smart
A bit too dumb
A bit too Me
To ever find love
A bit too paranoid
A bit too hurt
A bit too aggressive
A bit too hateful
To ever want it
A bit too human
A bit too desperate
A bit too needy
A bit too clingy
A bit too expecting
To not need it
And the Balcony calls me
And the Noose calls me
And the Knife calls me
And the Flame calls me
And Death is just behind their voices
And I run
Run
Run
And they follow
**** me
**** me now
I'd like to fly
To be free
Above the clouds
Or at the very least die
For the absence of sound
I'd exalt in that second
Where I would be free
Before the fire's of hell
Would rear up to claim me
I'd laugh
I'd scream
I know I'd shout
As I let the years
Of suppressed insanity out
And I roar it down
Onto the Earth
Until everyone feels my pain
But before I let the thought fester
I shake the insanity away
It's funny how
I think I'm insane anyway
I'm just a normal child
With a bit more pain
Wearing  my heart on my sleeve
In the pouring rain
And so I beg one last time
**** me
**** me dead.

Don't take me places
You know we can't go
I'll want to stay
You'll raise my hopes

I'm crushed by disappointment
I'm sick of seeing possibility
I'm sick of being told
"Don't want everything you see"

I'm willing to use some effort
To reach the highest slopes
But you won't even consider
So please don't raise my hopes

I'm fragile, I swear I am
I can't handle too many falls
I can't take to much hope
So don't raise mine at all

I can't seem to correctly explain
Just how hope can stab me through
Because I fight to be pessimistic
But when hope joins the fight, I lose

When I lose, I see options
I see every possibility
I see everything you won't
I see everything I need

I could idealize anyplace
If it so appealed to my hope
But I'll always be let down
I've grown used to these old ropes

So leave me be, I don't care
This is a downward, spiraling *****
And you must be a sadist, this is torture
Please, don't raise my hopes.

I expect more from you
Because I'd be willing to
But if its more than you can do
Then I'm willing to do so for you

If you won't take the first step
I'll take it, and all the rest
I'll do whatever comes next
Because it's what you expect

We'll be friends till the day we die
And whatever comes after that time
May the trials pass us by
As we live til', in age, we are ripe

And you'll never once question or
Wonder why I'm satisfied without more
And when death comes knocking on the door
I'll explain that that's what friends are for.

But I want to help you
Even though
We're hundreds of miles
Apart.
You always post
Those little things
That reveal how much
You're hurting.
And I wish I could help.
I wish I could say,
"Text me, I won't judge you"
Or somehow become your friend
And I suppose I'm writing this
Hoping that you'll see it
And think, "that girl will help.
I'll confide in her."

Who am I fooling?
Some things just don't happen
You'd never trust a stranger
And I can't blame you
But even though I know
Just how insane and inane this wish is
If you'd only ask
I'd respond and do my best
To give you a bit of the life you deserve

All of us are ***** here
-Except you-
And we gravitate to your purity

In our attempts to be like you
We fail to see
You becoming like us

Your innocence is fading
It was soiled by our taint
And now it is dying

Is it impossible to keep purity
Once you've been exposed
To the filth that we are?

If so, I apologize, the next time I see
Someone you beautifully clean
I'll leave them well enough alone.

The words are stretched
Over a long, nasal pitch.
Eyes swimming in tears
At the ready to stream down.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme...

But it is not given
And the flood is unleashed
The mouth stretches wide
To release another cry
And it is again pondered
When sleep will be gotten this night

MINE!

But it is not
Not that it matters
As the snot has already begun to flow
Just as profusely as the tears

Why a toddler?
What was I thinking?
It seems she'll never
Ever stop whining

I'm trying
Emphasis on "I'm"
Where are you now?
Have you left me behind?
I'm giving all of me
To clean this mess
But while I was answering problems
Did you give up the test?
.
.
.
I'm not ready yet
Not ready to lose
The best friends I've ever had
I'm not ready yet
I'm not ready to let go
To see our time come to an end
...
Will you wait for me?
I won't insist you put in effort
Just...wait by the door?
And when I've solved these questions
What we have will be restored
.
.
.
Maybe.
I'm not quite sure anymore
I don't know who you are
But it's not time to fight that war
I've got to make sure we're okay
Before we relearn what we were
We both changed
Whilst the other's back was turned
So don't leave yet
I'm trying
No
We're trying
To fix this grand old mess
And you can bet ever cent you own
I will not leave us like this.

We don't really speak anymore
But we're okay; I swear we're okay.
We aren't broken yet
Just a little bit bent
With some duct tape and glue
We'll be back to new again.
Don't turn away yet
Give me some time to regroup
And find the motivation
To drag us up out of the blues.
I'm not trying my best
But I sincerely want to
After five years we're put to the test
And if we fail, I know we'll be through.
But, devil take it, I still love you.
You're my sister in every way that counts
And without you, where would I be now?
You're my anchor and the beginning of my past
And I'll be ****** if I can't make this last.
When I was more than ready to **** myself
You were my lifeline,you gave me help
And now our bond's fading away
But as long as we aren't broken
We can fix this someday.

A lesser human being
Something to be hated
An abomination
Repulsive
Me.

They make it seem like
Somehow it's worse
That I'm black
As well as
Gay.

I'm not a ******, that word
Doesn't describe who I am,
I just want to love
Who I
Want.

Would it help if I told you that I probably
Will be single anyway because
I'm not attractive and  I'm
Direly afraid of
Love?

Being pansexual isn't the definition
Of the word "******" at all
Because pansexuality does
Not mean a pile of
Sticks.

So, you see, I am not a "******"
The word shouldn't even exist
As an insult; however, it can't
Really be reclaimed
Anymore.

I've never been good at poker
But me and Life played a game
I pulled a horrid, useless hand
And lost every penny to my name

The consequences were harsh
Life gave me them with a smile
With very little to work with
To overcome the trials

Life gave me keloid scars
Life gave me misophonia
Life gave me depression
Life gave me paranoia

And panic attacks
And a fear of love
(And a huge nose
As if I hadn't had enough)

And I'm meant to accept my "spoils"
From a horrid poker game
And spend years of my life
Pretending I'm okay

I'm supposed to laugh
And have a smile on my face
But what emotion should I show
When the audience walks away?

I'm supposed to do this
Without being too fake
But how can one be genuine
While wearing the facades they make?

So when others ask why I'm suicidal
When they ask why I find everything bland
When they try to fix my apathy
I just tell them "I drew a bad hand"

I don't want it
Neither do you
Pass it, pass it
To somebody new
Who's fault, who's fault?
Not your's, not you
Who's fault!?
We'll find one or two
To give this to
Because no one want it here
No one wants it at all
Owning up is overrated
Honesty goeth before a fall
So pass the blame
Assumptions with no names
Don't stop this train
Of unattached blame
And we'll never own up
Never say "enough"
And when the blame's far away
We'll raise another up.

A vivid pastel vertigo
That sends me through time and space
To all the places I should never know
To distances large and great

A bemusing tornado of words
That wrap around my head
Singing the tune of the birds
That make me so willing to be led

An iridescent amalgamation of assumptions
Swimming in the sea of my mind
And though I'll never utter a word of confession
I know you'll get it in time

The feelings in my mind