I remember who I was before it happened
I smelled like cherry
My skin was always clean
I hope I have what it takes to find her
She was light
The kind that fills your chest
She is like happy tears
So full and good
I Miss her louder when my silence is at its most quiet
I hope she finds me too

I was afraid of loving and being loved
I believed love meant consumption because I always let it consume me
I wrapped myself too tightly
around them
To be as close as humanly possible…
to ensure that it was love
Losing yourself in another
It was poetic and disgusting
I believe love was being everything
It was fear
It was a high
But that is addiction
Should love not be addictive?
Not transactional
I wanted to earn it
Now I am afraid I’m not enough
I always was
More so now that I know what love is not

maybe it just wasn’t perfect timing
But who said we had to be perfect to love infinitely?
I’ll tell you I love you infinity if you would just...
Let me.

I wanted to tell him that I’m sorry
Because victims live in a loop of uncertainty and I don’t blame others for emotions that are all my own

I wanted to tel him he’s all I ever wanted
That I can wait an eternity if I have to because to me this was all we ever were
Two souls destined for eachother

I choose you every time
I’ll never stop choosing you

You’ve really got to **** me
Send me into oblivion or
Nothingness
before I let you no longer know me

No matter what happens I love you
With my whole heart

You told me soulmates are a thing of the past
That thing I keep running from
It seems to keep catching you


je te libérerais si je le pouvais
(I’d break you free if I could)

We had candy hearts and you were walking poetry
we spoke the language of eyes I see humans but no Humanity
Rainbows are gray to black and white in between
shoes are on the other foot but fitting it can't be
TV for sir television and televisions show images but the images are figmants of a mad mans imagination
His name is God
That's what we call him at least
we're his ****** up creation
I am backround not backbone
Actors are cast in my own dreams to play me because i was not perfect enough to play myself
Now children... When i say the language of eyes i mean instead of lips we met minds because of our thoughts curiosity
Our tongues did not lock but instead they flow freely
"The man" wanted us stuck not in control so he gave us color protectors but i like using crayons cause they're messy

Im ready for you...
I always have been

Don't worry
I know the system is wrong
The whole **** system is wrong

But

I know what we are
I know what we're not

I won't let my irises bleed and the falling collect on my pillow

I wont let it turn to dust and waft around my room

I won't let my loneliness keep me company every night

I will not breathe the air that you exhaled into my life

I'll let you touch with no feeling because you made yourself clear

So tonight when you call me i will listen but not pay attention because when you hand somone your happiness and they leave

They take your happiness too

She wasn't simple
And she didn't love easy
But
When she did
You were stuck on her
Like
Beautiful confusion
Because being figured out meant you knew yourself
And she had been lost
And may forever be

We walked beside each other silently again. We stopped and he let the back of his cool hand brush my face from my temple to my jaw. Electricity flowed through our connecting skin making the breaths we both took shallow and deep all in one moment. We swayed against eachother and played connect four with our finger tips. Our expressions were mixtures of uncertainty, excitement, and devilish thoughts came to the surface. We revealed what is most precious to eachother.

Everyone is beautiful to someone but i wanted to be beautiful to him

She likes cupcakes for dessert...
Hers were lips that have touched coke and *****
Limbs un-outstretched because she never did like the way they played hard to get
See if they kept it up she'd be a no one's girl but wasn't that better than being that guys girl
She was odd
I think that made her perfect
Because she was absolute and complete
Absolutely completely something i believe to be mysterious
She was a believer in space
And didn't need to define gravity because it wasn't ever keeping her down
She walked above it on grass greener than the other side
And although her milky lips were frosted them she would never lick
Easy people couldn't bite her because she kept close her finger tips

She wanted men to finally look at her with hungry eyes instead of disgusted expressions.

I fell in love with the moon but i do know that without the sun the moon would be as invisible as i feel.

It was as simple as "I'm sad."

And in that moment she realized just how truly insignificant she was. "No one cares." Another thought she couldn't control bounced around her brain waves as she tried to find air but reality would never let her come up so forever she will be dragged down.

I'm so lonely i could drown...

She carried herself across the tops of houses riding on clouds and when we pretend to sleep we make no sounds.
We hold our breath and let our chests rise and fall to the click-snap of opening doors and whispered fights.
The night was thirsty and more than happy to swallow your secrets.
We bump pillows while our lids flutter. open and closed.
We cloaked our ears trying to unhear words shimmy and shake against eachother.
Brilliant shouts shake the house and Shhhhhh is unnecessary when you're not where you should be
no longer in dreamless sleep
Lips lock and bad memories we keep
Cause they're ******* talkin about me
My heart goes da da da dummmmp
Skip trip jump
Cler........
..
...
..Plump
Stop. Waaaaiiiit... Um.
Did they hear me? No.
Da dump daaaaaadummmmm da dump
Too young for chest pains and migranes
That **** is for listening to all your kids talk at once
But i plan to have none
The darkness wraps it's fingers around my already broken neck
It makes a noose out of shadows and hangs me up for all the dead to see
it puts on my eye patches
Envades my mind cause I had the shakes bad today
Another blackout takes me but im afraid im already in too deep

We didn't break and we did not bend.
We swayed like toothpicks between teeth.
Sitting.
Silently smiling with cigarettes hanging from our bitter lips.
Smoking up the thing as if we were women who couldn't get enough lipstick.
But life bumped me and i smeared that ****.
See i wanted wintry hands and an almost nonexistent waist.
In order for that to happen my mind had to break.
I bent over backwards trying to get toa new body. I did cartwheels over calories and colored in a watery blue on all the pictures of food. I fade farther into myself the older i get and monsters ****** my imagination. There's a grave labeled "skeleton girl" that we're racing to. I Thought if skinny means dying then so be it. My mind already offed it's self when it analyzed my thoughts.

there's this mask
Slap a smile on like it's lip stick
Say everything is grand
I like the way the waves meet the sand
Too quickly and then it pulls back
Like me in relationships
Like my mouth has a dance 
Says things in steps and likes holding hands 
My tongue misses beats and im back on the beach with my head in the **** of the sea
Smoke up bubbles and pretend im pretty 
Good thing ***** can't breathe 
They'd smell my ugly and abandon me
Shells i wear even in the heat
Goodnight moon
Forever asleep 
My secrets are padded which makes me comfy

You see they say falling is easy
But what's easier is never having two legs to stand upon
Right about now i wish i had a knee to kneel on
the floor is known for wobbling
The Webbed ceiling likes cracking jokes
And we like to laugh until our cheeks split open revealing a diamond peice
Because your words are like jewelry
My ears cant hear your clinking teeth
But ive known your voice my whole life
It makes my body  weak
My bones are hollow
Im lost in a sea of wings
They flap around the water bottle i call my mind
Swimming is hard so you give me a ride
Isn't it ridiculous how much you can find peace in a simple sound
A vibration we encourage with our mouths
"Connection" sound it out

i am a tea cup

I am a tea cup 
Round with a handle 
i am a handful 
tea too hot 
i live in a hotel 
the room a river 
things come and go
but i always stay 

i... am.... grey.
a tea cup who is rain 
and wind and leaves
leaves blow past you soaked in tea
technically... im not a tea cup 
but pretending is okay 

My plate is ugly 
im not clean 
people don't lift their pinky when they hold me

the message is seen
black all over me
inside of me 
T... E.... A...

it makes me shake violently 
im violet can't they see
My face isn't a face
but an opening 
my body not a body 
but a handle 

carry me
an ocean full of tea
Leaves from a tree
lined up delicately 

Wooden tea cups
A collection for the 
take me
drink me
break me
but do not set me free

Someone said this to me. Sent it. It is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me so i thought id share.

I get really jealous when you wear showy clothes because I want to protect you, as my own. I want to hold your hair in my hands and just rub my face against it. Your face provokes a strong need to poke cheeks because yours are so kissable.
My dear,  how adorable you really are...it's a shame I won't get to do any more touching then a hug...

1

Walking when the sky is at its darkest and the moon is reflecting everything i saw in you off of shiney objects makes me want to live in an ocean where giant luna pearls sleep for eternity. There is goodness within shadows... and there are shadows within you.  I think I need a new dictionary. I can't say the things im thinking. They are so small and insignificant compared to your beauty. Your thoughts are... something so precious. I'd like to see snowflakes melt on your lashes and dance down your cheeks. Im trying to understand what it all means. i want to sit so still and silent i can hear my own heartbeat and really I don't think i ever will.. because I'll always breathe and you can't be a statue when you're blinking. You ears can't focus when your breath is taken away. Steal my lungs and I will never learn. I'd very much like to trace the veins that twist and turn creating art along your arms.  Give your cuts butterfly kisses although i know it doesnt make things better. While you torture a fallen angel i cant help but think.. "Why him?" If i fall asleep id still not be able to reach my dreams. They're untouchable like the stone i keep behind the cage we call ribs. I hope you never see this...

We haven't talked in months... you won't let me break up with you. Did you know you're driving me crazy? You carved "insane" into my lips. Now everything I say comes out like like a ****** getting excited about a pretty girl walking home.
I twitch and twist.
I cannot get enough rest.
If I am not sleeping I think id rather be dead. I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. Well... not like i did yesterday. This pain is a dull throb always reminding me. Did you know I get excited about starvation? It makes me feel in control. I wanted to talk about it... You don't have time for me but you simply won't let me go. LEAVE
ME  
    THE
            ****
                     A
                         L
                           O
                             N
                                E
please for I beg... keep away
im a mess that you ******* ****** on.
im ruined but you seem to have caused more destruction.
the butterflies have morphed into lions. Ripping me to shreds from the inside out.

Let me love again
SoMEoooOne not yOOOoou <uuU!
let me paint again
you see... you've limited me to only shades of blue
I miss the grass.
I miss the grey of rain
Most of all i miss being OkAy

Don't you know? I'm sooooo not into you.

The light in her eyes twinkles like teapots and chiped  china
She is chiped china
She comes from a little town where bad things sometimes happen
Like double rainbows draining and dripping down to meet the land
Trickling hearts and minds into reality
You see... that's never where she wanted to be
So she made a casket called home
That's where the broken dolls go so they can rest in peace
Broken down dolly faces
Pouty lips now in different places
crevices and deep spaces
Spiderwebs in the glass that was once whole
Glass Crums licked up by demon babies with tongues ten feet long
Her tears are snow globes
Moisture containing storms of emotion
Like a dresser drawer filled with ocean
...Yes
Her eyes were once stars and shined with curiosity
But it burnt out long ago
Now her seeing tunnels are stained glossy
The world she cannot unsee

the demons creep closer to the bed
Each night one more inch
We... I see children with black eyes
They want me to let them in
So into my room i go to hide under the covers as if that would give me any more protection
Like I said before safety in fabric is a real thing
And if I can't see you then I'll assume you can't see me hiding under my sheets
Why can't angels gone bad leave me alone
And I don't want to go home
Because when I'm in my dark room its so loud I can't hear myself blink anymore

I fall deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole that is love
It's a trick
Now I guess you could say I believe in magic
What is love?
Is it three words and some voices singing sad lyrics to cigarettes and bottomless coffee cups?
Is it an itch im never able to scratch?
My fingertips brush against the spot but... you see my arms weren't long enough
Not ten feet long and such
Is it not for girls with low self-esteem and kinks?
Just for those sappy happy go lucky lunatics who believe reality is not a war.
The earth they walk upon a fairytale and not a battle ground.
So am i the coocoo bird with a death wish or they?
Maybe it is everyone else who is crazy...
But! I am the girl who wanted to die when i was granted life!
So that must mean i am insane
Gifts given and tossed away!
Stop!
Please i beg do not give to me!
I don't want health or anything else
I just want to lie in the ocean i have cried
the waves hold me just below the Surface.
I never did deserve air... now did I?

This is what I wrote. I feel like this and the collab gave off two different vibes and i liked them both so it says the same thing but this one is just me. I wanted to show whoever takes the time to read my garbage.

A shift in mood... my mind chases it's self in circles
Little wolf trying to catch its tail
What am i but a toy
A puppet pulled by strings
A soldier with puppy dog eyes not marching Gracefully
A ******* catastrophe
A ****** ******* mess
A brilliant battle moved
Now look and See my scar
Im happy then im not
my Mind Can't take much More
Im elated but depressed
A hyena filled with stress
I want to be alive and burried with the dead
A deaf canon firing when i please
When i want to stand i end up on my knees
I laugh at serious times
Like when the doctor is counting my dimes
Best to pay in tens for my therapy at nine
Bipolar disorder
I need to get my life in order...

I don't feel something
this feeling i feel is nothing
But with nothingness comes hope
that the world will come to a stop
freeze with icy waters
stand quiet 
and unafraid 
a snow global to skate upon 
everything in motion 
motionless 
action against us 
let out the hold stills 
and stop to stares
Ill sit and stare in a room that isn't there
Because i...am...here
Unmoving untouched
If the world stops..... luck
My body is hollow
My fears hard to swallow