Day 1: I want to tear my skin off. My heart is beating so fast i can barley breathe. I feel so filthy.
Day 2: I can't believe this. I don't want to be here. Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen?
Day 5: I guess I drank too much and my friends were to drunk to stop me.
Day 10: I can't face my friends, I can't live my life.
Week 3: No one knows. He hasn't said a word.
Week 6: It happened again, I was sleeping and he did it again. Why did I stay the night? Why didn't I go straight home?
Week 7: He left and kissed me goodbye. I don't know how to feel.
Week 10: My life's out of control, I can't believe whats happening.
Month 5: My boyfriend knows. But not all details. Just thinking about it, makes me want to take a shower.
Month 8: I finally came clean to my friends. They're appalled. They hate him now. I still feel filthy. I can't get his smell off my body still.
Month 11: The anniversary is soon. What am I going to do?
Year 1: I haven't spoken to him in months. I haven't thought about it in days. I still feel as if hes on top of me, why can't I wash him away?

Its an uphill battle with myself and others. Some days I can't get out of bed or even feel like breathing.
But I try not to let him get to me. Because if he sees my weakness from what hes done,
He's won.

around the turn of the year
  Orion looks at me
   head on
on my little loggia

the brilliance of the sky
in a clear winter night
is awesome
and even if I did not
   know the names of the stars
   that give Orion shape
Rigel, Betelgeuse

I would start wondering
about design and meaning
and how I figure in it
    if at all

   whether my astronomer friends
   have terms and explanations
   does not really matter

   it is I
   who has to come to terms
   with what I see    

with the endlessness
   of the universe
the brilliance of its appearance
and the feeling that
   in all of this
my own insignificance
might be
just that

Words are harmless, so they say,
That's where the problem starts;
Sticks and stones
May break our bones
But words will break our hearts.



Words are harmless, so they say,
And point you to their charts;
It's harmless fun,
No damage done.
But... Who will mend our hearts?



The x-rays show no damage
Where words have scathed across,
But it still feels hard to manage,
And leaves you at a loss.



Words are harmless, don't complain,
That's where the problem starts.
It's quite absurd-
A single word-
Enough to break our hearts!



But words are harmless, they maintain;
The subject of their parts,
No less or more,
So let them pour
From all our broken hearts

Don't act as though my opinion
Matters to you
At all.

Grant me the words
"I don't care."

So that I don't waste my precious thoughts
On your unworthy ears.

I found myself sitting among
Fragments of broken promises
Looming around me like
Shards of glass-

I picked them up as best I could:
A slice to the wrist, and a second,
And a few more.
But I never got them all.

I thought leaving you
Was the last of my messes,
But it seems to have
Broken down my walls
And shattered all my mirrors.

It has been months, I know I'm over you-
But at night,
I can still feel your hand in mine,
And I can still feel my heart,
Beating in time with yours.

No one ever told me
That leaving wouldn't break the one I left ,
But me too.

And they didn't ever tell me,
That leaving can occur in seconds,
But last for years.

I've learned that no one told me these secrets,
Because they're secrets no one wants to have-

It's something you have to learn for yourself,
And silence underneath years of experience,
You have to bury it-
Forget where you marked X
And leave it a secret unfound.

  *I just wish I could find my shovel