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Kj Mar 2021
when you and I were us
I used to picture picket fences against green grass
perfectly made beds and rainbow bouquets
but somewhere after three word whispers
and before black lace on bedroom floors,
we turned into just you and just me
and that's when I realized-
we're no longer those golden little things  

really, you and I
we're just this thread
this thread that we keep pulling and pulling and pulling
until I’m naked in front of you
like I have been so many times before
but not just clothes naked
naked like the kind where my skin
has turned into the words I’ve left unsaid

naked like the kind you feel on an operating table
your eyes dissect and slice into me like sterilized metal
foreign and unforgiving
I miss the way they looked at me before
and that's when you see it -
the feelings I can't stop feeling
and these cuts they burn

because I know I can't have what once was
I can't leave my love on this table and make you take it
as if that's ever what you wanted
instead you slice and slice, taking these pieces you want
and I say nothing, I do nothing
but sit there, naked, holding this thread
waiting to stitch myself back together when you leave
Kj Feb 2021
sat in the intersection till the light went red,
too busy looking at you instead,
you turned to me in your blackout frames
and laughed as you said my name

there we stood in the dead of night
cups of whiskey in the pale moonlight
saw you smile from behind your glass
as you said you’d marry me with a laugh

and I know it was probably just a joke
but I swear I felt it when you kissed me
never wanted you to let me go,
wrapped up in arms that felt like home

slept away half the day
tangled up in hills of grey
boots next to yours under your bed
picture of you dancing in my head

now I know Wallen said it best
when he said loving a cowboy is different than the rest
I’ve tasted your laugh and you've tasted my pain
now that I’ve loved a cowboy, how could I ever be the same?
Kj Jun 2020
I was fifteen
when I said no
but a hand pressed against the back of my neck
as tears ran down my face  
he said "if you loved me you'd do it.
you wouldn't be crying
"
and he took what he wanted anyways.
I wish I'd known better,
wish I'd told my mother.

I was seventeen
Dating the only boy I've ever  I loved
when his fingers grazed my neck
and I cried
and apologized because
I couldn't explain why.
I couldn't tell my mother.

I was twenty one
when I finally realized what happened to me
wasn't the way it was supposed to be
and I lost something I didn't know I had
that I'd never know why
that I should've listened to my mother

I was twenty three
when he returned
with the audacity to ask if I wanted to hook up
I wish I'd had the courage to say something
to tell him what he did wasn't fair
that I should've known better,
that he should've been better,
that I wish I'd listened to my mother.
Kj Jun 2020
watching you behinD the wheel was a view
even The sOnoraN desert couldn't cOmpete with
i remember driving home From Your mOm's
you tUrned to me and said your Mom adored mE
as The girl you couldn't love,
i thinK tHat's the one thing
I'll always have Over the girl yOu did.
(do you think of me too?)
Kj Mar 2020
we went OUt for dInner with friEnds
and came hoMe without touching hands
tweLVe hOurs and One text later
we ceased to exist...
as if I evEr expresseD the slightest desire
to neveR be with You
(I loved you more)
Kj May 2019
I read something about
how boys never end up with manic pixie dream girls;
they just hang around and use her
until someone more docile comes along
when you say you can’t pick me up right now
even though my parents
are cutting each other with words,
I think to when you broke my heart
“we have nothing in common,
and you’re so young
and I wonder if maybe
I’m your Manic Pixie Dream Girl:
here to teach you about the life you don’t know
about it’s mysteries and nuances,
about wild *** and drunken nights
only for you to leave me again.
when will that happen?
what will she be like?
will I always be someone’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl?
Kj May 2019
I’d like to know when the words
“you deserve better”
became a placeholder for
“I’m leaving you”
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