Sometimes I am so small.
I squeeze my eyes
and I think
be quiet---wait.

Well really, that's a lie.
The truth
is when you're loud I shut my eyes
and I scream inside
shut up!

But the why inside both moments in my mind
comes from the same place.
Because I am shell-shocked.
And to speak clearly, make eye contact,
and sometimes even to leave the house
shakes me.

And even fighting that fight for the right to make noise unabashedly every day sometimes
loud noises still scare me.
And inside I'm still afraid.
Sometimes I can't move at all.  Not even a little bit.

So when do I get better?
Forever surfing on my depression; what is the goal, here?
When does the deep breathing and the chamomile tea and the therapy and the journaling and every other **** thing finally make me better?
When does it seem like the world is better with me in it?
Because I'm not convinced on that one at all.


But you know I suppose
It really wouldn't make a difference either way, which
is comforting.

Because when I open my computer up to the world I see hate and anger and ******
And a level of discourse that is essentially people ******* their egos onto one another as violently as possible.

But today when I walked to the grocery store a little boy on his tricycle smiled at me.
And made car noises.
And I made car noises.
And we raced.


And I wasn't afraid at all.

Like an eclipse
Your lips
were never meant to stay
there
at the top of my sky
merging day into night
and then passing

returning only years later
halfway around the world and all over someone else.


You're a meteor shower; beautiful
you're cataclysmic; you left me changed

Irreparably scarred beyond normal or appropriate standard.

Poorly planned fireworks.









..... I'd like my pinkie back, Linda.

Dreamt about you again.
I'd tell you all about it, but
I know you won't receive it.

I wonder maybe if you knew--
if I called upon you
every morning after fitful sleep,
haunted
by your face.  Maybe
then if you knew, maybe
then you would not be so cruel.

If only I knew what inspired you
to have done what you continue to do
is it me?
must be.  
But what did I do, did I
hurt
you?
Or have you just decided I'm
worthless and not worth your time.

I try, I do.
to respect you, your
space and wish for me gone
but how can I drop
you when you won't leave me--


You, who chase me in my dreams.

I'll sit here blinking
The hours away
Moment to days
Right here I'll stay
(Breathing)
Entire epics
Written and played
Upon the stage
That is your face
(Nearby)
Sweat falls from its place
A tiny cascade
From the visage of grace.

Forever, a moment, an hour, a day.

And here I sit trying
To commemorate
The nuance of time
In the smallest of space.
Like an airplane fitted with
Too many wings
The grandest of things
Will not give way
To flight, or to mind
To the heart or the skies
It carries a load
Much too heavy
Inside

And somehow impossibly
Silly as hell--
Forever the curse to the solemn befell

There's only so much smell left in your powder box
I can tell.  I
only open it every once in a while,
to feel like a child
and hear your chuckle and smell
how
glamorous
you were.

I didn't weep at your slipping away.
I could see your pain
I could hear it screaming under
your skin, your pride burning
your age raging inside you, I
watched you crumble and I blinked, I
looked away.
I didn't want you to have to feel your pain.

But you live with me here.
In an old box you don't remember that I have,
out of all the countless
sparkly
spangly
shiny things you gave to me, this is the thing
I keep with me.

Your trash.
Your old powder box.

I open it from time to time and I smell you and I hear you rumble
and I see you
lipstick and hair and bright poofy hairbands.

Every time I open up your box it smells a little less like you.

I didn't fear your going because I knew that it was time
but I rue already the day when I might think on you
and not be able to find you.

When your powder box will just be a box.
Instead of the place I keep you inside.

If you were the sky
Then I'd be the sea
And when you shined bright
It would reflect in me.
When you're at rest
Then I am steady.
If you wanna get rough
I'm always ready.
Past closing at the bars
If you show me the stars
I'll open right up
And cast them out far.
And on the darkest night
If you won't shine a light.
Then I'm silent alongside you
Until you feel right.
We'll meet at the horizon
Where lovers will stare
And wonder with passion
Why they can't meet there.
And you'll share me a kiss
As bright as two suns.
When they meet in the middle
I'll know the days done.
And I can tell that's your way of saying to me.
Goodnight my love.
If you were the sky and I were the sea.