it starts with a feeling of something being wrong
all conversations feel fake
you're missing...
something
everything
smiles feel fake on your lips
and frowns leave a bad taste in your mouth
your feelings are gone
shrugged off like a coat
that you can't seem to find

your feelings are gone
separated by a glass wall
apathy is too little of a word to describe it
its the feeling of being stripped away of all context
all emotion and memories
you talk to the one you love
but love is hidden away
you can only feel a hint of it
like someone yelling at you
from a floor above
the only emotions that aren't gone
are fear and anxiety

it's vaguely terrifying
like a horror movie you've all but forgotten
you know something is wrong
but you're not worried enough to do anything to change it
you're a husk
and husks don't care what happened to them

the trigger? unpredictable
maybe I was feeling too much
from the sad book I had just read
the cure? who knows
the only thing that saved me today was a youtube video
when laughter forced its way from my chest
I felt my emotions flood back

i want to
fall asleep
let my body
shut down
let my brain
not think

i feel wired
on the edge
like a seam being unraveling
or a boat breaking apart in a storm
not gone
but going
not passively
but pulled apart

and even in my dreams i do not escape this

my body was cold and hot
my hands shook
and as tears began to well up in my eyes
i could only think
why did this take so long

i want to look out at the beauty of the world
and be so filled with joy
that i can't hold it in
so i cry

or even
i want to cry
about the bad things
i want to cry about the love i lost
or even about the things you said to me

but i can't those things
i can't feel anything anymore
only a few things make me feel alive
but nothing brings me the satisfaction of tears

this isn’t the first time
my friends
have forgotten
that i existed

it’s humbling
to realize
how easy you can slip through someone’s mind

sipping a melted popsicle
to hide the forming tears

”of course it’s alright!
everyone forgets something”

i don't like being caught in the rain
the moisture settles in my skin and sinks down
a painful numbness
i'm so cold
my muscles move in slow motion
and my bones ache
even hours after
the rain has been washed away
the cold is still there
settled in my skin
it never goes away