I hate life
I hate myself
Oh how I wish
I would die
And nobody would cry

Tired
Alone
I just want to die
And not do it Anymore

It felt like a warning to what I feel now
Sad.
And suicidal
With no happiness insight
I just want to be alone

It's HIS birthday today
THE MAN who ruiend me
he was meant to be my DADDY
Not my abuser
Why did GOD
Have to create him....

Feel like crap
Goodbye.
This is not the end
But the start to
The new image of feeling crap

The anguish of my mind
Is like a burden for me to ****
I can no longer bare the suffering
The crying
The young girl who begs to be heard

My pain is no longer a survival tool
But a lighter and the 9 year old the fire
Time to burn both of them.
Let go
Goodbye.

My heart is crying
My mind is screaming
Daddy let me go
Let me go
He says no
You have to watch this
I say
Daddy  do you love me now
He says no

I was only nine
When you
Stole away
What was meant to be mine
My body

I can't do it anymore
I just can't..

Hey
I am not freek
But the question is
Am I dreaming
Or is this my reality

She saw him
My mother saw him her abuser
Eye to eye they stared at each other
For him to laugh and look down in embarrassment
For her to leave all shaken up
Now her kids are too terrified to leave home
Incase they see him...

Silenced
Ashamed
Why do i have to be this why

There will be a day where I can look at him in the eye
And say
You are
Evil
You are a
Monster
You are not my dad anymore

It started of as a joke
Like a game gone wrong
But when i heard her cry
I knew there was somthing
Terribly wrong

Got a headache
Bought on by stress
Bought on by heartache.

Panic, worry and fear
All sounding around me
Nobody can see how much my anxity is frightening me,
Counsellors, teachers they telling me there is nothing wrong with me,
My family they telling me stop acting so crazy
"Attention seeker"
"Using your past to get away with things"
They all say its normal to feel the way you do after the abuse
I feel abnormal what should i do?
How can i see the world around me
Its spinning around i can barely see
I am a broken bird i want to fly
Escape my pain, the nightmares the cries and the flashabacks not leaving my sight,
They tell me breathe and it will be fine
They tell me that a thosend times
"Your safe now nobody will HURT you"
One day i will recover
From the constent pain
Without nobody to see
The magic that happend to me

I put on a mask
That's covers my true emotions
Why should I tell you I'm NOT fine
When you look at me and
Say
Your overreacting
Your overthinking
Your lying...

I
Am tired
Of crying
Myself to sleep
It hurts.

Behind my smile lie my fears

Behind those laughs I hide my tears

I'm one of those you call fake

And the more I go the more I ache


I have a dark secret I cannot tell

Sometimes it feels like a wizard's spell

I've been told it's not my fault

How could I know it was assault?

How would you expect that from your father?

But dear laiba why wouldn't you know?

He ***** your mum infront of you remember

He showed you videos. 

You **** remember that clearly 

You did what he said.


I still see him everywhere

Why is that? It's so unfair

He took away my innocence

He forced me into silence

Told me I deserved to die 

Said children like me need pain.

Said I was ugly and reordered every minute of me crying about it.


They say I should forgive

But he's made my life hard to live

I see him in my dreams

I hope he can hear my screams

I hope he can hear my innocence telling him I love him and "daddy can we draw after"

"Daddy your my superhero"



It isn't fair that he's free

He ruined my life the day he molested me

I try to move forward

But it's as if I'm anchored

Held back by this voice saying I don't deserve to live.

Let me go I say let me go

But the voice repeats back I dare you to try.

It's his voice..


I'm trying real hard

But still I'm so scarred

I try to hide my pain

Even though it drives me insane

I try my best but how much can I take 

Until it destroys me

To anyone reading this please save me from me.


To you I may seem happy

But deep inside I'm really angry

Because behind my smile lie my fears

Because behind those laughs I hide my tears

I'm the one you call fake

Some days I just wish people knew how much I ache.

How tired I am 

And how much my mind puts me through

The saddest part of being laiba
Is that even  if the world told me
It's not my fault
I would sit there
And say it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it isit is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is
It is is it is it is it it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is  it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is
MY FAULT

You never expect it to happen do you?
or do you just choose to turn a blind eye to something you wish wasn't happening?
to all the people who should have noticed something wasn't right
thank you for ruining my life.

thank you for never thinking twice about why a child might wet the bed till the age of 11
for not releasing how scared she was to be alone with the man
for asking you to sleep with her and telling you clearly she was scared

oh well... it happened now...
because you chose to turn a blind eye..

Ask me what a broken heart is
And to live with it

I wish I didn't exist  
All I ever do is cause trouble and distress
Everything bad that ever happens is because of me
So let me end it and show the world
That laiba is the worst person in the world
Goodbye and good luck

I am not strong
Never will be
Cant be
So stop telling me to be

Daddy why did u hurt me
Daddy why did u put your hands all  over me
Daddy please tell me
Laiba is breaking apart
And that isnt fair
No freinds no nothing
She can't hear the phase "who will be the one to loose your virginity"
All I can remeber is my dad was the first
Not my childhood sweetheart ..

scared and afraid was your little girl who cried herself to sleep
she asked, she begged herself to find answers to why "daddy"  was so cruel.
Dear dad. No dear monster.  Your no longer my dad.
A dad is not just somebody who helped produce you
you have to live up to the role
and you evil monster of a person didn't .
so now i declare you as a monster and not my father.
Remember that child who you looked in the eyes and said horrible words too...
who you watched while she slept
yeah i knew your soul was creeping on me and waiting for the perfect moment to take me out of bed...
i remember your ***** hands lifting me out of the warmness of my bed
the whispers you said still haunt me till this day
"i wonder what to do today"
i kept my eyes shut wondering off into an imagination of a 9 year old thinking i haven't done my homework
who knew homework would no longer be my worry
but when will daddy hurt me next..

Your bitter sweet words fixed in my head
you telling me i was worthless when my body trembled with your cold hands exploiting it
this was not the first time and wasn't going to be the last time.

i  watched your brown eyes turn to red
as you felt the pleasure of hurting a 9 year old child.
The anger turned into a smile when i cried..
i told you "daddy stop please daddy it hurts"
i hope those cries torment you for the rest of your life...

i looked up and wondered when was it going to stop?
remember monster of a human
those cries of a 9 year old will torture you inside out
those pleads of a 10 year old will suffocate you
the screams of the 11 year old will **** you everyday

Please stop hurting me at night
Your making me feel not right
I feel so abnormal due to you
So my hardest plead let me go
Free me from your cluthes
Wave me goodbye
Tell me I am a sket one thousend times
While I sleep the voices that scream
But don't play the grousmosue memories
Of a child being *****
I am tired
Of not sleeping
In the fear
That the memory will reappear

My desire is death
I will cancel any nesscerry plans to free up some space
That is me breathing
That's unesscrrry
Not needed

Laiba you need to die
Your not good enough
I can't die
Because I don't deserve to die

“It's time for me to start listening to me,
The day has come to set myself free,
My head and my heart always at war
My head saying go, my heart shuts the door”
It's not our fault we are trapped
Its what society expects of us to not go out and shout
“They raised their hand and it should be the last”
Today you start following what your gut feeling tells you
Because today they may say they're sorry
Tomorrow they will say it to their grave
It doesn't matter if their first touched you in anger
It shouldn't be tolerated nor covered with a “they love me” statement
Let me clear once and for all
No matter what circumstances we are exposed to
This lockdown will not continue forever
But what will is the cycle of abuse
So pick up the phone and dial 999 when that fear consumes and your black and blue
You may be wondering why i used third person nouns instead of he/she
That is so you know domestic violence affects both male and female boy and girl
No matter the race, religion or ****** orientation..
Lockdown will not cause us to suffer in silence
Helplines are still here no matter what..
Take the courage now before it's too late..

I dont know what to feel
I don't know what to say
All my mind does is cry everyday
I silently scream, i silently cry
I dont want nobody to hear me
Incase they send me back there
The place where all the sick people go
The place where i once went
Spent a week in agoney
And now i got a fear.

I don't know what to feel
Or say
Do i have the right to say
That i am one step closer to my mind exploding.

What do you call it
When you don't have the energy
To get up
To try to  **** yourself

A happy day in an expectation world would be a day with no tears
A day where I could embrace my mama
And tell her I love her
And I am sorry for not protecting her
Stay in her comfort arms sleep in it
A happy happy day for me in reality
Would be if I died
And nobody cried

Am I fat?
Why does she always hint out I am then
I'm loosing it
I wanna starve myself
But I know I can't
I want to be skinny so she stops

I am sleeping
He awakes me
He says I am the ugliest person he's ever met
I say Daddy I am sorry
He says you have to be punished for being so ugly
He hurt me till I cried
Recorded every minute of it
Laughed at my pain
Said ugly people deserve that

The man in my head
He says "whenever you hear my voice you come if you don't it would be a very bad outcome"
I didn't
I was sick
So he tortured me
He said I should of died
And that I was worthless
He says I am going to hurt you
Until you wish I stop
But he didn't he lied
He hurt me till the very next day.

I hated every minute.
I hated every second.
Of the times you took me.
The middle of the nights
In the deadest of silence
Laughed at me when i cired.
Went in harder with each breathe I took.
Why dad why
Was i that bad