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  Nov 2018 Katinka
Ariana Bagley
I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.
Katinka Nov 2018
when something tragic happens
people are there for us
they go with us through the break up
through death and pain
but with depression it is diffrent

because it doesn´t end
but people get sick of hearing
you are not fine

they want to see you recover
but I can´t
Depression is not a sickness you can get over

It follows you around
like a cloud blocking the sun
and now and then rain will pour down
and it will all come crashing in

It´s the never ending feeling of pain
of panic
of nothing

and then I feel bad
and I´ll self-pity myself
and now I feel so stupid
because there are people
people who have it worse

and here I am
drowning in self-pitiness

but that is exactly what depression feels like

It feels like I am drowning
while everyone else is breathing just fine

It feels like the fear you have when you miss a step
but you never reach the ground
so the fear won´t go away

It feels like ropes tie you down
you can not move
can not stand

I can not do anything
do anything right

and all I want is this to end
but the only solution seems so hard to procide
not even that, I can do

I am not doing good
but no one wants to hear about it
because it has been to long
without improvment
so I´ll just fake it
maybe if I tell myself long enough
I am fine
I will be
Katinka Nov 2018
2015
christmas eve
The day we met

I immediately fell in love
in love with your sparkling blue eyes
your straight blonde hair
your beautiful hands

March
2015

we kiss
it felt like all I ever wanted
I loved you more than anything else

It were those little things that made us so special
the way I always waved you goodbye
every day when you left

I remember the one time I didn´t
It felt like my heart was being torn apart
I run outside
not wearing shoes or socks
but I just couldn´t let you go
without telling you
I love you

I screamed your name
and jumped into your arms
it was the way you swang me around
in the dark
that made me love you

It was the way we layed on the playground
in the nighttime
just the two of us
looking into the sky
you holding me close
inside your arms
that made me love you

It was the way you stopped
in the middel of the sidewalk
to go back holding the door open for a pizza men
that made me love you

It was the way you always looked at me
right after we kissed
right before you told me
told me you loved me
the sparkle in your eyes
the kidness
that made me love you

February
2016
we broke up

January
2018
Birthday party
I arrive
You were already there

I still remember the tasted of your kiss
nicotine and beer
and we kissed
all night long

March
2018
we hug
and tell each other
that we love the other one
but it isn´t the right time

you go
and once more
I wave goodbye as you leave
but this time
you do not turn around.
Katinka Nov 2018
Sometimes I wonder

do you think of me
when you hear the song
the song that played when we first kissed
the song that we danced to

do you think of me
when you smell my perfume
the perfume that I left at your home
the perfume that I wore when we first met

do you think of me
when you hear my name
the name my mother gave me
the name you whispered in my ear

because I do
I skip our song because it takes me back
I have flashbacks when I smell your perfume
I avoid saying your name because it tears me apart

but I don´t think about you anymore
I just remember
because I learned
learned it is the past
Katinka Oct 2018
Take it slow
Don't rush
Do not fall for him
Don't get attached

It's fine
I don't love him
I am in control
I thought

Your smile makes me tingle
Your eyes make me fade
Your touch makes me fly

I smile when I think about you
And I think about you
A lot

The scar above you lip makes me grin
The one below your eyebrow laugh

You are so beautiful
In such a different way
In such an aesthetic way

I think I am falling
Falling for you
Falling deeper and deeper
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