You're beautiful, he said.
Your hands are meant for mine,
Not rags to clean the floors,

The sky is dark
An impenetrable black
Ominous and true
And I am losing track
There is no real telling
I cannot comprehend
Oh where it does begin
Or when it may end
But as I look to nothingness
And see no touch of lighter
When it seems so dim
Do not the stars grow brighter?
                                       tsk

I had a collar once
Of black leather and sky blue fur
And it fit me snugly
It was all I could ask for.

When my thoughts rampaged
As they do very second of everyday
I'd wrap it round my neck
And the noise would fade.

They called me a freak.
They looked at me in disgust, I was shamed
Because they don't understand
The need to be tamed.

Whether round my neck
Or around my wrists and ankles
Without a tether, I fret
Thus, for that collar, I am thankful.

I once felt guilt
Worse than any other pain
It weighed me down
As though it waterlogged my brain.

And all I wished
Was to atone
For a whip
To sing to my bones.

"Why invite pain?
God, she's disgusting?
She's ******* insane!"
The words said to me.

But how could they know
How much I wanted to cry?
How much I wanted discipline
To ease the guilt in my mind?

I once heard a scream
And it scampered down my spine
Like it was a living, sentient being
Infiltrating my mind.

And I'm sure I'd be a pariah
If I ever told anyone
I wanted to cause that scream
To make it sound like painful salvation.

I once cried
I hurt myself as comfort
And the feeling of that pain
Was so very sweet and so very short

And they'd call me a fool
Yet I still crave pain
And they'd think of me badly
For what I can't contain.

See, I'm far from vanilla
I'm far from innocence
Because all life gave me
Was cold and cimmerian.

There's a word for what I do
A lovely acronym
And it's so far from vanilla
Most describe it as a sin.

i want to fight,
i want to resist,
i want to hurt,
because i trust you

i want to feel your hand
as it closes tightly
around my wrists in warning,
because i trust you

i want to feel small
and surrounded
by you completely,
because i trust you

i want to struggle to breathe
while your hand is on my neck,
the good kind of struggle,
because i trust you

i want the ache to last for days,
a reminder of how good you felt,
i want to be hurt and loved
**because i trust you

You changed. Slowly.
So slowly maybe, I'm not sure you even saw the difference.
But I did.
And I couldn't speak to hurt you- but I couldn't keep it in.
My soul battled itself.
And there is no victory for one who fights themselves,
*For when one part dies, so does the other.

Oversaturated in grease,
Frying in the light of embarrassment,
Here,
Take a plate and pick off the unnecessary,
With oily fingers to stuff your bellies,

I give you my pleasure and you give me pain,
Bite off the circuits of my love called an aorta vein,

I can't sit here wondering if you love me,
I need some source of validation,
So stop chewing on my heart,
For your own parasitic elation,