and i'm sorry that i love too hard
too much
too all at once

i'm sorry that i can't help but to break down
when i imagine your body
intertwined with someone's else

you're looking at her pictures now
instead of mine
in the middle of the night
when you need a little bit of healing
from your loneliness

and my existence
no longer
is your remedy

i've written and posted
seventy three poems
on this website for the sake of you
and for the sake of my own safe keeping.
this makes seventy four.
seventy four poems that i've written
and still i don't think
i ever really
said
anything at all.

I used to write about you a lot. I haven't written in so long. I guess the hurt became way too heavy and I didn't want to sit there anymore and try to make sense of it, or try to heal myself from it. There was nothing to do anymore but to sit in silence and feel it.

all that i can do now is lay here and feel all of the hurt
and there is no way to escape it except to sleep
and i am laying here wishing that the sun would go away and that time would stop so i can lay here forever in the dark
a moment where i don't need to wake up and force myself to exist
the hurt gets worse
it gets worse
home alone once again and my bed is becoming too lonely where i can't even lay in it either

and you, where are you?
you are out and you are barely alive
and you're doing drugs and you're drinking yourself black
and everyone around you thinks that you're just having fun
when i know you drink because alcohol is your disease and you have to feed it even when you don't want to
you are sad
and you aren't here or happy
but none of them see
except for me

so i can't lay here
in peace
wondering what you are doing or if you are okay
and it shouldn't matter but it does more than anything
because you aren't wondering if i am okay

your lips are on the bottles tonight
and not on mine
and that alone is enough to destroy someone
because i love you
and your alcohol

it does not love you.

and if you’re fond of
floating in the limbo
between handshake
and hug
then i suppose
i better make myself
at home.

in life, i think of you
in passing, i think of you
in death, i think of you