You kissed my scars..
Then mocked the blood.

You wanted a girl,
To replace the one you lost
Not grief
Not pain,
Not me.

You saw my soul,
and flinched..
I cried and begged for you,
Till I choked and loved
And you said, “too much.”

I shattered and you said I was too loud,
I begged,
You lied,
I broke.

Long ago, I opened my heart.
I let someone in.
They didn't quite fit though.
So I paused, and then promptly expanded my chest,
Expanded my heart to fit in your love.
It didn't work out, but my heart was now too big to be shattered.
I was still so full of hope that I refused to let go.

I put a sign out that said:
“All welcome.”

And someone came in with sunshine and cheer, an enthusiasm I wasn't expecting.
And yet again, they couldn't fit.
So I expanded my heart once more.
Pushed out from the inside
To let them fully in.
But while I was under renovations, the doorway swung shut.
They were barred from the door.
There's only room for one in here and I haven't fully moved out the ants,
They crawl and creep and fester and weep.
So I pulled on my mask and pulled out the poison.
Ready to **** anything and everything in sight.
To destroy every crack and crevice, filling it with hate,
Ready to be done with the festering creatures.

But was disrupted by a little knock.
I suppose I never took the sign down.
The sun wasn't in sight and the former prospect was gone.
Only the silver rimmed clouds and it was starting to rain.

The fat heavy drops that drowned out the sorrow.
Made it feel a little cozy inside.

But standing there in the soft quiet rain.
A boy.

Waiting to see me.

Maybe he was always there.

Maybe he’ll never leave.

But I opened my door and stepped into the rain.

I dont think I’ve ever felt soft drops on my skin,
Don't think I’ve ever felt something so real, something so fresh.
And it didn't matter that the sun was gone because a light shone from your heart so bright.

Too bright.

Too good.

I should've known it was all a lie.
A web waiting to catch those innocent flies.

But I will never complain, for the ants moved out the day that you knocked.
Maybe they knew the rule about one.

They shuffled out the door single file.

And yet when I went out to invite you out of the rain,
When I stood aside to let you come in,
You pulled away.
Only ever so slightly, a miniscule flinch.

You peered round and called it beautiful.
You made my little heart feel ever so special.

But it wasn't special enough.
And so the boy in the rain chose the rain over me.

Sometimes I hear him calling my name.
I don't know if it's him or only a shadow,
But it lights my heart with a small fire, and fills it with a stifling heat.
It feels like a way of drawing me out.
Into the rain.
To let it slide down my cheek.
Fall over my brows and into my eyes, then down to my lips.
Occasionally I step outside, just to see.
If any of it is real.
And there seems to be a melody that whispers on these nights.
A soft little tune.

And the rain turns to you, and then,
It's you sliding a finger down my cheek.
Pressing my shirt to my chest.
Running your hands through my hair.
I’ve never felt so alive.

But then, almost as fast,
I twirl around and you're gone.
In a small little flash.

So I run to my heart and throw open the windows and doors,
In case you decide to stop by.
And dance a little as lightning flashes by.
To my own little tune that I invented just for you.

But soon, the rain stopped, and there was still no sun.
Just endless grey clouds threatening to come in.

So I put my heart on display and now people walk by, and occasionally pop in for a second or two.

To look around the massive shell I have in my chest.
Some press their ears to it to see if they can hear the ocean.

They don't know that the only echo of water around,
Is the dried tears that I spilt, all over the ground.

I suppose the clouds eventually got in,
But the shadow of the downpour never quite left enough room for two.

People stand and wave a safe distance away, and maybe the blanket of clouds is a blessing, and a cover from the sun.

And maybe the sun was forever waiting behind a blanket of grey.
Maybe I was only waiting till night when I could pull back the clouds and reclaim the sky.
Decorate it with fully formed constellations. Maybe I was destined to find shapes and meaning when there was none.
And maybe that is why I could never let it be night.

But it cannot always be day.

And as times turn,
my heart starts to feel awfully hollow,
And my head is full to bursting.
Praying on repeat,
For the rain to come again.

But forevermore, my heart shall be ruled by the final ant that won't leave, and the shadow of a boy who never intended to stay.

My world has turned grey,
My soul is crying,
My heart is irreparably broken,
I thought you could be my cure,
A ray of sunshine
To light up my days.
I am sorry.
I know I need to let go,
And someday I will be able to.
You were something
You are not anymore,
While I’m the same as always
Pretending the past is still present.
My words are flat,
A decomposed body,
I lost the right way,
If I ever found it in the first place.
How to recognize
When you go from a prodigy
To a wilted flower?
I had always been invisible,
But banal?
A curse, sent by my
Worst enemy,
This is the only solution.
I lost my flame,
My lighthouse,
I feel like I lost you,
But you didn’t lose me.
Please, come back.

They say love should not be idealized
but isn't love the only thing that deserves to be idealised ?
They say we shouldn't get too attached
but shouldn't we give our all for love
if not then can we call it love at all?

They say don't give your self up for love
but if not for love then what else is there
they say we shouldn't get too tethered to love
but isn't love something to get wrapped for?
oh what i would give to get wrapped in those arms

but why did you left me with this void instead of promised future
was it all in my head?
was I the one dreaming of you while sleepless
was i the one looking at your silhouette during the Sunkissed day
was i the one who felt the tug while you were chained at the bay?

How can one know the end still hope for change
how can i fight against the current of the river
while you were the sea itself
How can i stop myself from burning
when you lit the fire yourself.

You could destroy me with everything you know.
You could tear down my careful reputation
with the secrets I willingly told you.
You could set fire to the comfortable life I’m living,
and have the flames engulf me too.

I don’t think it was healthy,
to  tell you that much.
I don’t think I should have told you
every one of my  d r e a m s
s e c r e t s ,
and  w i s h e s .  

But what was I supposed to do?
Every sign pointed that we had something real.
You helped me plant a garden in the shade
(it failed)
We ate popsicles on my front step
(they ruined my shirt)
You went swimming with me in the creek
(we hadn’t meant to get wet.)

You teased me when I slipped,
We both shared awkward glances at my sister’s questions,
I tried to get dirt out of your hair-
-you know, every time I see hair like yours I freeze.
It could be anyone, any length, anywhere, and I still stop dead.

I think you’ve ruined me without even whispering a word.

You never cared to much about my words, actually.
You didn’t care for my poems or my songs,
not more than politeness needed.
Politeness is one of your main qualities,
And like most polite people,
Honesty is not one of them.

I don’t know how I told you everything about me,
and you still didn’t know that the hard truth
would have hurt me less than the uncertainty
we’re now dangling in.
If you had just told me the truth-
I would have been okay with it.
Do you understand that?

I would have been more than okay with the truth.

I built a garden in my chest
with things you never said—
planted hopes in rows of maybes,
where your silence softly spread.

I watered it with almosts,
trimmed the silence like vines,
taught the leaves to chase the light
you never said was mine.

But nothing real grew—
just a heart dressed up as soil,
soft enough to cradle you,
but never meant to spoil.

You were the seed that never stayed,
the wind that kissed, then flew.
And I — the ground where you once rested,
but never rooted you.

Sleepless, congested, thoughts a blur
Now through the haze I see a maze–
Wandering paths that tease
but never lead to you.
Are these imaginations of your love
just a fevered dream,
conjured by my weakened mind
to feed this ravenous lust
ever aflame for your heart?
Even as I’m slipping on the edge of sleep
my heart and mind plunge deep
Into the aching longing felt for you.
Then the questions:
Do you despise or fear me?
Are you indifferent or disgusted
learning my desire?
Why do you hide yourself from me?
Perhaps my intensity drives you away?
Could it yet be that somewhere deep deep down
inside the smallest darkest pocket of your heart
you’ve tucked away and buried
a pulsing breathing love still felt for me?
Undying…yes, I think this might be the truth
that frightens you
hiding in the depths of this dizzying maze
eluding my desire,
eluding discovery
blocking me from knowing
whether that crushed love
Remains.

And just like that I'm
love struck and empty.
He ran off with my heart
and pieces of me.
Fantasies of an "us"
mixed with cosmic energy.
Like adventures of Poseidon and Aphrodite
Majestic and powerful together taming
the wild sea.
Oh Sweetie, don't be silly.
Get a grip please.
Today he ran off with my heart
and pieces of me.
Here I am love struck
and empty.