I don’t think I’ll ever forget what it felt like
To be struck like a match
And burn out in your hands
But I’d be a strike anywhere for you anytime
Because your heat was unforgettable
And my heart was left nonflammable

We spend hours planning our lives with our friends as children,
but we never plan the disasters
We never plan for the waves so high they wash away the hope
we plan for the best days, the big days and those in between
but why don’t we plan for the pain, the hurt and the disappointment,
It’s almost like I set myself up with these ideas of true accomplishment
I dreamed of a life filled with more than this
And now when I share the life story of me there is one term I hear over all else
Turmoil
How could somebody so young with so much hope be crushed so deeply?
How could they not?
What keeps us from the inevitable?
I think I wanted so much I wanted to go so far
Although I shot for the moon I did not land amongst stars
I landed in the vast emptiness of disappointment, the dread you feel once it’s all laid out in front of you
ever memory ever moment seems so much bigger than it did,
Maybe I never stopped to smell the roses
Or maybe I just didn’t realize how good they smelled at the time
But I can tell you when looking back at my life although sadder than expected it’s a road I’ve been assigned, and turmoil looks a lot more like growth the farther you walk the line

I gave everything I had to you and still you wanted more
I broke my ribs to make you trinkets
And my skin to keep you warm
I overworked my emotions just to keep you from feeling bored
Now here I am
Empty
Alone
And worn

The Thursday before your passing you crossed my mind
I planned on sending a package with a letter inside
Maybe some writings I thought you’d like
But it was foolish of me to assume I had more time
It just takes a minute to remember every memory
All the unspoken words
All the times shared laughing
It is more painful now than I imagined it would be
These words I never spoke will forever be stuck with me
But that’s the thing about time
It’s unforgiving

Without these words
I am nothing but dust and bone

Sometimes I am thrown back into a memory
So good it breaks my heart I can never feel it again

Brittle nails
And crunchy hair
That’s all I’ve bubbled down to be
But I’m okay,
For now

In the mists of my agony
I begged to stop breathing
Then I found myself here in endless purgatory

Every few months I find myself in the same parking lot
At the same laundromat
In the same parking space
Listening to the same melancholy music
Smoking out of the same bowl
But always having new conversations, never seeing the same two people

You walk in, noticing every obvious trap set
To make you crawl from that shell and open the conversation,
Then you sit
They must make a truth serum that they spray on those couches in the shrinks office
Because they make you spill your guts
Not more than a minute after sitting down it set in
I have to talk now
The water works started and I couldn’t shut them down
“There’s tissues to the left take your time”
The words are like tug of war and your tongue is winning concealing them in shame the embarrassment of feeling
Every sentence is broken up like a child learning to talk
The session passes in what seems an eternity as if the door was a portal to say the twilight zone
The minuets turn to centuries as sweat pools around you
Is this recovery?

We never appreciate the social currency we receive until we find ourselves broke

My dad used to have a truck with the passenger side speakers blown out, and I vividly remember listening to possum kingdom by the toadies on repeat Swooning in the loud rumble of the speakers succumbing to the immense base making a distinct sound for each drop, driving in cars with working speakers and hearing the song just isn’t the same
Funny how nostalgia works
Making you miss the things you once dreaded

As the months grow farther from the times You couldn’t stand alone and would shake at the knees
You begin to forget what life was life before you caught the “skinny disease”
That overwhelming need to restrict what you eat, limit the water to reduce bloating
Your daily dance with the scale
The portions that seem to grow smaller and smaller
Until you eventually get to a level point
Where you feel “okay” and you stay on routine
That routine is engraved in your brain
It is ALL you know
Wake up, step on the scale, shower, drink one glass of water, pass the time doing small things or laying in bed to conserve your already minimal energy
and after months of slowly growing into yourself again it hits you
The portion sizes that never got bigger, the now weekly trips to the scale as if that’s any better
The consistent twirling in the mirror to check every angle every potion a person could possibly see you in determining am I still thin?
And you realize you didn’t get past this at all, you let it grow into who you are, and that’s why no one knows
After so long the things you needed to hide came out and no one noticed, they congratulated you, asked for dieting tips, and as you lied through your teeth you were disgusted at the shell you’ve become
And at that point is when you can
Finally move on.

How long does it take until the repetitive action of doing something
No longer becomes special
And how do we know who pushed it over the edge

I’m a stranger to myself
The reflection I yearn for
Is empty as of the past few months
I stand in front of the mirror for hours on end
Just hoping to see
Me
But I am unrecognizable
Some nights I sit in the guilt
Of continuing like I know at all who I am
But what do I say
I hope I can wake up one day
And really see me

Falling in love
Feels quite similar
To doing your first whippit
Tingly and warm
Oblivious to what’s around you

Smudged makeup became the usual
With puffy eyes and bruised fists
Knees so painful I can’t leave bed
A back that feels broken
Its like I’m flying through the forest at a 100 miles an hour and I keep hitting everything
I’m so wreckless and so scared
I never thought this is who I’d be