When did I become so numb
You could shoot me with a loaded gun
I wouldn’t even flinch
Stab me with the sharpest knife you could find
And I wouldn’t even yell as I bleed
You could punch me in my gut
I wouldn’t fall to my knees
Gasping desperately trying to breathe
You could do whatever you want to me
And I wouldn’t feel a thing
Because inside I’ve become paralyzed

The last time I saw your face
It was naked
Now you bare a beard
It’s weird to see
How much you’ve aged
All your black hairs, outnumbered by the grays
The skin on you face seems to sag
Even your gold tooth looks beige
But what you fail to notice
Is the rage in my eyes that’s hidden behind the black shades
I don’t hate you
But the resentment in my heart
Makes me want to serve you with a right hook
And I wouldn’t be satisfied
Until I felt the snap of your bones
And crack of your teeth
The adrenaline blazing through my veins
Would convince me
The throbbing in my knuckles isn’t real
But as much as I want to inflict pain on you  
I can’t
Because today is my baby sis graduation
Which is the only reason
We’re standing here face to face

I can see why people cut themselves
I did for the first time the other day
Not on purpose
But on accident
Moving something out of the way
It hurt of course
I hate how we have such delicate skin
But the relief I felt afterwards
Was better then the pain

I dealt death today.

I know it’s a part of the job.
I know I’ve seen it too many times to count.
But today,
I felt it.

I left the room long after their family did.
There was no where I could go
To escape their

Roaring grief.

They were long gone.
And I was left with their precious baby.
I curled his arms and legs up
Closed his eyes
Wrapped him up gently.
With love and respect
Here he’ll sleep forever.

And oh,
They are so thankful,
That it was me
That I understood
That I was so careful
That I spent the time with them.

And you’re not supposed to take it with you.
You’re supposed to leave it
When they walk out the door
With one less goodbye.

But I took it with me today.

The way they felt before
The way they felt after
The long quiet goodbyes
The man in a suit on his knees weeping
The mother and son making a cocoon
Sheltering their dying baby.
The solemn face of the woman who plays god.
The green death.
The last breath.
The heaving of the living as he gave his last.
The waiting.
Slower rhythm.
Quieter.
‘He’s gone now’.

I watched the clock
The same way I had
An hour before
Waiting for death.

Soon as I could
I fled out the door
Ran into the street
Tried to outrun it

Instead I ran to you
I dialled your number
With shaking hands

I know I’m not supposed to
But all I wanted was you
Your voice

Ringing out
Thankfully
I wept alone.

Today I dealt death
And I found I am not strong enough
To sustain this
Alone
Or for long.

I found I still consider you my haven
Deep down
But that you are not my haven anymore
Or should be.

I listened to the silence
After the call rang out
And decided

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never go home again.
My room will sit unused,
A capsule frozen in time,
A snapshot of how I was.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my dog again.
She will sit at the front door
Waiting for me and wondering,
Why I never came home.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never graduate from high school.
My yearbooks will sit stacked
Stopped short of their goal,
Missing years that should have been.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my mom again.
She will sit distraught,
Planning a funeral
For a child taken from her.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my friends again.
They'll sit together, missing me.
One empty seat among them,
A constant reminder of their loss.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my little sister again.
She will sit through high school
Knowing I can't guide her through,
That she has to figure it out alone.

If I die in a school shooting
My school will be stained.
Pools of students lives will sit,
Blood tattoos on the brick structures,
Marks of death ground into it.

If I die in a school shooting
Everyone will wear black.
They'll send their thoughts and prayers
To a town marred by death,
Forever to be the home of a shooting.

If I die in a school shooting
Will the world change?
Or will I become one of hundreds  
Of kids who have to die?
What will it take?

If things continue this way
Children will have to live in fear.
They'll look over their shoulders
Always worried and wondering,
If they'll die in a school shooting.

You've had a hard life
Full of hatred and denial
Betrail and heartbreak
Like your heart is on trial

You want it to end
This treacherous life
To run away free
To give up the fight

But I can tell you now
That nothing can compare
To what you've gone through
Through all that despair

It might seem like
The tunnel of light
Would be much better
If it stopped burning bright

I can tell you
"Don't end your life"
But it would do anything
Except fuel the fight

Your heart doesn't want it
I can see it in your eyes
So I wrote a poem for you
Without wearing a disguise

I might not be the wisest
Or all knowing and powerful
But I can tell you
That life is beautiful

Seeing a sunrise
Or little bits of joy
Will make you realize
Your life's not a toy

Don't take these moments
The futures you haven't seen
Instead, hope that one day
You'll find where you've been

Find your soul and yourself
On this journey of life
Some might even call it
A journey of love

Could you imagine a pain so deep down inside
That it can not be summarized in words you simply can write
A pain that touches your toes and up to the top of the ceiling
You can't eat, you can't sleep, that is the pain that I am feeling
But these different circumstances has got me feeling alone
All the doctors say you’re dead and gone
But it still feels like I could talk to you if I picked up the phone
You can't fix a broken window you just replace the pane.
But there is no pain great enough to replace your face
With my eyes matted shut from the tears that I slept on
I thank God for the pictures and your voice mails on my cell phone.
But please, while you are awed in the mist of the Lord
Don't forget all your friends and time spent on this world.
I will never have a friend like you ever again.
My heart is a vault now, I'm scared to let people in.
No matter how many oceans or rivers I cry
My heart will never let you go, I'll never say good bye.
A lot of my hours are now spent in the place where you lay
As I sit crying, wondering, who would you be today

I’m sorry I can’t sleep,
That I spend my nights in constant agony,
Closing my eyes and trying to stay calm
But never finding rest within my mind.
I’m sorry I always have a headache,
That I have a constant pain behind
My eyelids, a torture that plagues my temples
And unmercifully spirals around my head.
I’m sorry I have to fake my way through
Every day, smiling and laughing while
The constant fatigue drains at my soul,
Tempting me to snap at everyone.
I’m sorry I frequently wake up in tears,
Fully convinced that the terrors of the night
Are real and tangible, and even though they aren’t,
I know they’ll come back night after night.
I’m sorry I’m too scared to tell anyone
What I’m going through, too worried
That they will think I’m weak, or stupid,
Or that I’m lying to gain attention.
I’m sorry I apologize for everything,
That I am paranoid, worried sick about
All the wrong I’ve done, and all the
Wrong my mind leads me to believe I’ve done.
I’m sorry.

I am trapped in a straitjacket
Unable to move
I may as well be in a casket

Trying to remember how I got here
Everything is so unclear
I am blindfolded and everything starts to disappear

Out of control
Out of my mind
Out of a soul

I fight against the sleeves
Thrashing, resisting
Trying so hard to leave

Doctors whispering reassuringly
But the words don't reach me
No matter how kindly

In an asylum you don't pay rent
Because you are a slave against your will
Held there just for thinking something different

Not a single letter
No one wants to talk to the insane
No one even thinks you'll ever get better

Then you lose hope in your own recovery
No one else believes it, why should you?
You forget what it is to even be free.

Alone
Forgotten
Unknown

This straitjacket gets no easier to bear
I pull and pull
But it gets no better to wear