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Mar 2021 · 123
My beautiful doom
Charlie Black Mar 2021
When you found me I'd been through hell
I laughed and cried thank you to my saviour
I was surrounded and alone
Doing everything I could for people and draining myself
He hit me once, then twice, then again till I was nothing
He laughed and joked until I was a former shell
They ignored
He hit again

And you made me laugh for the first time in years
But now I see it was another painful illusion
You're not my saviour
You're my beautiful doom

I'll love you with everything in me
I'll love you with everything I have
I'll wait for you to have the time to talk to me
I'll wait for you if it means I get a kiss
Maybe a hug
Maybe even just a glance

We'll keep building our future together,
I'll keep losing myself to be who you need

You've been busy for a while
And that's okay
Why wouldn't it be
I've learnt to cope
Learnt you can live weeks of laughter without needing me
I'll learn to cope

But you were laughing with your friends whilst I was crying on the phone
You were talking to your friends whilst I was bleeding on the floor
You saw the tears and blood and went back to your game
You'll call me later, I'll be okay

So I'll be okay because that's what you need
I'll be happy when you text because that's what makes you happy
I'll free my nights in case you call to fall asleep
I'll free my days hoping for a miracle

But you were my saviour and I fell in love
Your smile, your voice, your laughter, happiness, face, beauty, personality
I fell in love
And we'll keep building our future, and I'll keep losing myself, my beautiful doom

I'll do anything for you
I'll live
I'll change
I'll **** myself trying
My beautiful doom

This is not romantic
It was never supposed to be
Maybe we can be healthy again
Maybe one day we can be okay
So I'll be hoping for a miracle
Before I **** myself for your future
My beautiful doom
Feb 2021 · 237
Charlie Black Feb 2021
You're my awful addiction
I'd let you break my heart every day
Just to see you smile
Feb 2021 · 521
My problem
Charlie Black Feb 2021
I may never have liked myself
But no matter what I went through
I was proud of who I had become

No matter the times
The temptation
I hadn't given up

I have always promised myself I'd never change myself for anyone
But for a fraction of your time
I'd rearrange every part of my being

And I don't know what's sadder:
The fact that I'd lose myself for you,
Or the fact you wouldn't even notice.
The last poems I've posted, I'm ngl, I'm proud of and like. This one, I don't even know if it's a proper poem, and I'm ashamed. But I had to get my feelings out there some way or another. Thank you.
Feb 2021 · 96
Charlie Black Feb 2021
Feeling trapped under water,
Trying to get through the boarder.
In our social inequity
There's too much bigotry;
Wonder if we're just too nihilistic
Or if we're just too                      .
Either way it's their delusion,
Trying to fight through the illusion.
Did we ever have any proper hope?
Or was that all just another trope?
Arguing against our restrictions,
Wanting to change their decisions.
Equality - such a controversy!
Now we're on our knees begging for mercy.
How many more need to die?
Before you stop the blind eye.
Feb 2021 · 243
Charlie Black Feb 2021
Tears like pools streaming down our face,
Oh, we're such a disgrace!
Running around through an endless maze,
We're just trying to get out of our daze.
Can't you imagine a life any sweeter?
Or is that just too hard to rhetor?
Ignorance at every turn,
Aren't they ever going to learn?
We've had enough of this injustice!
Go find some other vices.
No longer will we be silent,
When standing in front of our tyrant.
Feb 2021 · 97
Charlie Black Feb 2021
We've been sitting here in cages
All since the dark ages;
Freedom only ever a concept
Well, that's sure been hard to accept.
How we've all been confined,
Whilst thinking the stars had aligned;
Trapped within ourselves -
We've just been searching the shelves.
How could we be so blind?
Surely, this isn't part of the grand design!
Making so many restrictions,
It's like their awful addiction.
We could all be so carefree,
If only we had any kind of guarantee!
Feb 2021 · 105
Our Broken Dance
Charlie Black Feb 2021
I love you so much it hurts
Love isn't like this in the books
Or the movies
Or the songs
You're my only reason for being
Whilst I am something fun to play with when bored
You walk in the room and I am left no choice but to surrender
I forget anyone
I do this all for you
Your time and attention
Your words and intentions
Constant echoes that never leave my body
So sacred in everything you are and do
I am never happier or more alive than in your presence
And so as soon as you leave my side
All my wounds open back up
I'm replaced with a ghost
Bleeding and broken
Shattered into more pieces
Waiting for you to come and put me back together all over again
And we'll repeat our merry dance
Until I can no longer make you smile
Until I can no longer show you how much I love you
Until you have had enough of this game and chapter of life
And found someone new
Someone better
Someone whole
This is our Broken dance
Please don't leave me black and blue
Tell me what to do, so I can hold on to you
May 2020 · 545
Charlie Black May 2020
To look up at the stary sky
And wonder what it's like to die
Everyday we stand to tempt fate
The wind is there to help us translate

Up in the heavens, amongst the clouds
Or down below, with nothing allowed
Always in between, taken to purify
It's all for the sake of a mother's lullaby

We're not so different from the moon
None of us will ever be immune
Constantly changing, uncertain, cratered by imperfections
We're all just looking for connections

And what's the chance we'll ever meet?
Maybe life is just too bittersweet
Okay, I know I haven't posted in a very long time and I'm sorry for that. I hope everyone likes this. It's the first thing I've written in months. Hope you're all staying safe x
Apr 2019 · 605
Charlie Black Apr 2019
There's a monster in the mirror
When I lean in closer he comes near
I wonder why no one else can see
You must've known to some sort of degree
I'm not the person you think you know
You should've ran long ago
I know your secrets, why aren't you scared?
Did you really think that I actually cared?
I stare right into the monsters eyes
They look so kind, trusting and wise
Don't you know? That's their disguise
When will you finally realise?
I'm not the person you think you know
That person died long ago
Apr 2019 · 196
Becoming a demon
Charlie Black Apr 2019
In the gardens of hell
The people may call
For a soul to sell
Your blood will begin to crawl
The screaming you'll hear too loud
The pain you inflict so true
When at the top of the crowd
You become anew
It's not you anymore
The roles are reversed
It shakes you to your core
You're at your worst
So many cursed
But this time it's your fault
You begin to thirst
You're the assault
Sorry I haven't written in so long. I've been going through some stuff irl and I've also had the worst writer's block. Also, this was my first real attempt at writing, I hope you like it.
Oct 2018 · 491
I'm scared
Charlie Black Oct 2018
I've never felt this way before
I've felt depressed, alone, empty
I've wanted to end my life multiple times
And I've tried to as well
But today It's different
Right now, It's different
If in the past
I have tried knowing I wouldn't go through with it
Or I wouldn't succeed
Because I didn't actually want to die
But right now I know
That If I went downstairs
And took that knife
Or took those pills
Or that rope
I would go through with it
And I know that If I do that
I won't be alive tomorrow
And for the first time
I'm scared
I'm scared of myself
Because I want to do that
I really do
But I also don't because I want the chance to fall in love
I want to know
What love feels like
I want to know
What a proper hug feels like
I want to know
What It's like to live
Without being in constant fear of something
Of someone...
I want to feel something other than sadness
Or emptiness
Before I die
I want to know what being happy feels like
But I'm scared
I probably won't live to see tomorrow
Because right now
I want to die
And I know I will go through with it this time
If I do, It was really nice knowing you all.
Oct 2018 · 389
Charlie Black Oct 2018
I'm all alone
Sitting in this empty room
Staring at the walls
Not having anyone to talk to

I'm crying,
I don't feel loved
I don't feel accepted
I feel empty

I want to talk to you
I want to laugh with you
I want to hug you
I want to BE with you
But I can't
Because I don't want to annoy you
Or bother you

And I feel alone

And I'm sitting here
On my bed
In my pyjamas
Wishing you'd text me
Wishing for anyone to call
I don't text first
Not anymore
Because I know you'll just ignore it
Or be irritated by me

And I feel alone

I thought I had friends
I thought I had people to talk to
Maybe I did
Did I do something wrong?
Why don't we talk anymore?
I didn't mean to lose you
I didn't mean to push you away
Can't you at least tell me what I did wrong?

But there are no texts
No calls
Not for a week
With you two
And with you, not four

I'm alone
Sitting here
Staring at the phone
No one to call
No one to talk to
And It's all my fault

And I feel alone
I'm sorry, I know this isn't good, and I know I haven't written in a while. I've had writers' block for a while now, that's partly why. I guess I don't really need to explain what the poems about. I've been feeling extremely depressed lately. Maybe it's because of school, Idk. Again, I'm sorry this isn't as good as some of my other stuff.
Aug 2018 · 878
Just one more.
Charlie Black Aug 2018
Just a cut
Just a scratch
"What's that mark?"
"It was just the cat"
Just an excuse
Just another lie
"What's with all the bracelets?"
"Just fashion, why?"
Just a tear
Just a scream
"Why were you crying?"
"Just a bad dream
But it's not just a cut
Or a tear or a lie
It's always 'just one more'
Until you die
These are some things people have asked me, and that's how i've answered. They all believe me.
Aug 2018 · 470
Who they used to be.
Charlie Black Aug 2018
They don't feel like themselves
Not anymore
They were different once
Now, they are like a shell of their former selves
They fade into the background
And slip through the cracks
Haven't you noticed how they don't laugh like they used to
Or how they hardly eat anymore and then one day,
Eat too much
They're afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing
They can't help but apologize
Because everything is their fault
They've grown a protective shield around themselves
But they still let someone in
And then the last pieces of them get slowly thrown away
They don't know or understand how they've become like this
They don't know how they became like this, or when, or why
They only have the memory of who they used to be
Someone who was wild and open, who was down for anything
Who never had a bad thought
At the beginning sleep was still a refuge
It was like being dead, but without the commitment
But now, even sleep is hell
When was the last time they didn't wake up after a nightmare
They have nothing but the memory
Of who they used to be.
Sorry, this definitely isn't one of my "better" poems. I wanted to say that I probably won't be around much, at least for a few weeks, family problems, sorry. Thank you for taking the time for reading my "work".
Aug 2018 · 555
Giving up.
Charlie Black Aug 2018
In the end
Everyone leaves
And I end up
Alone again
And worse off
Each time.
Why do I care
So much?
What am I doing
That makes
Everyone I know
Leave like it was
The easiest thing
They had ever done?
Why do I even try
Maybe I should just
Give up.
Aug 2018 · 1.9k
Charlie Black Aug 2018
You deserve
So much better
Than what you got
They're first thought
Shouldn't have been
That you're a disgrace
Or that you're doing this
To spite them
It should have been
To congradulate you
And help you
Every step of the way
Like they did with your brother
You deserve so much better
And I really wish
I could help you
And be there for you
But i can't
And that makes me feel
Like one the worst
People in the world
Right next to your parents
Who can't accept you
For who you are
Everyone should be able
To be who they are
Without being judged
After all this time
Why can't some people
Learn accptance
My best friend just recently came out to her parent as transgender and they're giving her **** about it. They've gone as far as switching off her wifi for days and they even tried to take her to non trans therapy whatever that is.  She's become so depressed and even tried to attempt suicide. I feel so helpless bc we live in different countries. I just hope other ppl don't have to go through what shes going through.
Aug 2018 · 155
Our promise.
Charlie Black Aug 2018
Is our promise
And this
Is our lie.
Are we even
Or is this all
In our heads?
All an illusion?
Is our promise.
Aug 2018 · 248
"Real friends."
Charlie Black Aug 2018
You could be "friends"
With someone
For years in real life
But the minute
You slip up
Make the tiniest mistake
And need them
More than ever
... They're gone

But then
You could be "friends"
With someone online
For less than a week
And they could
Care about you
More than any of
You're "real friends"
Ever did

And if internet friends
Aren't "real friends"
Then it's pretty ******* sad
When someone
Who isn't my "real friend"
Cares more for me
Then my "actual friend"
Thank you for taking the time to read my poem, if you did. I hope you like it.
Aug 2018 · 145
I don't know
Charlie Black Aug 2018
You became
My safe place
But I left
Like a coward
I ran
It would be easier
If I left
Before you did
But now, you've found me
And you're asking me
To come back
And I feel embarrassed
To say
That I want to come back
When I was with you
I was happiest
But I don't know if I should
I don't know
What to do
I just
Jul 2018 · 454
Charlie Black Jul 2018
Do you still think
It's all a game?
Do you still think
I'm that same 'girl'
You used to know?
The person in the mirror?

I've lost the ability
To dream
To be happy
And if you can't do that
Then what's the point?

I'm dangling off the edge
All it'll take
Is one more push
And then I'll be gone.

Looking down
30 stories up
The pavement
Has never looked
So welcoming.

It's been going on too long
I've been walking up the stairs
Slowly but surely
I've crept to the edge.

I've sharpened the knife
And emptied the bottle

I'm going to see
If I can fly.
This one isn't good, but it's how I feel. I've tried to improve on it but this is all I could do. I doubt it but if you read it, I hope you like it.
Jul 2018 · 404
Charlie Black Jul 2018
Why is it
the only time
i'm happy
is when there's
dripping from
my knife?
Why is it
so hard
for me to tell
the truth?
Why do
I only smile
when I see
my dead body?
Why can't I cry
Why am I
so numb?
Was there something
that I did
in a past life
or just
in my past
that I don't
Why do I
any chance
of happiness?
Why am I
only happy
when I dream
of my dead body?
Why can't I
talk to
Jul 2018 · 168
Abusive relationships
Charlie Black Jul 2018
If you put a frog
In a *** of boiling water
It will jump out
Right away

But if you put the frog
In cool water
And slowly
Turn up the heat
It will stay there
Until it dies

That's an abusive relationship
Abusive relationships are different. They can be mental or physical. I hope I explained it ok and that this helps someone understand. I guess it's not rly a poem but more of a message, sorry.
Jul 2018 · 184
My suicide
Charlie Black Jul 2018
Don't worry I'm ok
It's all in my head
I'm not depressed
I'm not living life
On the verge of an attack
It's all in my head
It's all make believe
That's what my
Father says to me
It's all for attention
I look miserable
But inside I'm laughing
I'm doing this
To upset my mother
And my sister
And my brother
Bc I'm selfish and concieted
So don't worry
About my scars
And my thoughts
It's all make-believe
And so will be
My suicide
Jul 2018 · 179
Charlie Black Jul 2018
The tears won't stop
I can hardly see
I don't understand
Where I am
Or what I'm doing there
It takes a few minutes
To realise
That my best friend
Didn't just die
Bc I have no friends
It takes a little while
To realise
That I'm in
My bedroom
And not in
The streets
Of Chicago
I miss my friend
And I miss
That family
But they're
Not real
For it was only
A book
And not reality
I read a lot and get transported into the world's and everytime a book ends it feels like a piece of me is missing.  I hope you like the poem.
Jul 2018 · 196
Charlie Black Jul 2018
I don't recognize
That person anymore
Not the laugh
The face
The dress
Or the way they look
And talk
And walk
I don't recognize the smile
On their face

The eyes
Once so bright
And full of hope
Now look so empty
And lost

But no one can see that
They only see what
They want to see
Not the truth
They only care about
What you can see
In the mirror
I really hope this makes sense. I also hope you like it. Thank you for taking the time to read my poem. Please comment what you think.
Jul 2018 · 375
Charlie Black Jul 2018
Flowers in their hair
Smiles on their face
Demons in their head
Drugs in their veins
Knives in their drawers
Puke in their toilet
Blood on their floor
Pain in their hearts
Storms in their souls
Jul 2018 · 160
Charlie Black Jul 2018
"It's been
terrible day"
She said
                                                         Tell me
                                                  something   ­                                               beautifull?"
Stuff like this can only happen in books.
Jul 2018 · 296
She says.
Charlie Black Jul 2018
She says she's fine
But she's going insane.

She says she feels good
But she's in a lot of pain.

She says it's nothing
But it's really a lot.

She says she's okay
But she's really not.
Sorry, I'm not good with rhymes but I tried.
Jun 2018 · 202
Charlie Black Jun 2018

Jun 2018 · 170
Charlie Black Jun 2018
Jun 2018 · 203
Charlie Black Jun 2018
Real eyes
Real lies.
Jun 2018 · 201
The truth is.
Charlie Black Jun 2018
The truth is
If you slit my throat
With my last breath
I would apologize
For bleeding
All over your shirt.
May 2018 · 833
Charlie Black May 2018
I'm sick of crying
Tired of trying
Yes I'm smiling
But inside I'm dying.
May 2018 · 186
Charlie Black May 2018
Roses are red
Other colours too
But violets are violet
Not ******* blue.
May 2018 · 203
Charlie Black May 2018
I sat down
With a pen in hand
And paper in front of me
I wanted to write how I felt
But the paper stayed blank
I could not have
described it more perfectly
May 2018 · 204
I'm sorry
Charlie Black May 2018
I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted
I'm sorry I'm a bad sister
I'm sorry that I'm depressed
And that I cry a lot
I'm sorry that I hide in my room
And don't like to spend time with you
I'm sorry that I play my music to loud
I'm sorry I'm a bad friend
Oh, I don't have any
I'm sorry I'm not the smart one
The funny one or the pretty one
I'm the "why are you even here?"
I'm sorry I'm an embarrassment
I'm sorry for all the lies and fake smiles
But if I told you the truth, I'd be seeking attention
I'm sorry I'm a burden to you
Please forgive me for being human
I'm sorry I exist
Trust me, I wish I wasn't here
I wish I was dead
I'm sorry I'm such a coward
I'm sorry I'm still alive
Alive and not dead
I'm sorry
May 2018 · 199
Charlie Black May 2018
You sometimes think
you want to disappear,
but all you want
is to be seen.

But what will happen
Once they know,
Who you really are
And what you do?

It's too late now
I've lost a friend
I'm sorry,
You found out that way.

I guess I'll go back
To what I'm good at,
To being alone
To being invisible.
School *****
May 2018 · 307
Charlie Black May 2018
I looked at myself
In the mirror
Barely standing.
A glass of water
In one hand
And so many pills
In the other.
The voices in my head
Louder than ever
Words of encouragement
And telling me
Everything wrong
About me,
Like I don't already know.
One pill
Two pill
And a well timed call
From a friend.
I'm here
I'm alive
But I feel dead inside.
"Piece by piece"
He said.
With a fake smile
I walk out the door
To go to school
To pretend that I'm ok
And that
The voices aren't there.
I came the closest I ever have to killing myself yesterday.  My parents don't know that, they don't know anything. He's the only one who knows how bad I can get, and now you do.
Charlie Black May 2018
They don't get it,
They don't understand
That it takes
So much
For a person
To get to the point
Of wanting to hurt themselves.
They don't get it,
They don't understand
How much
You have to
Hate yourself
To have that
saving you.
They don't get it,
They don't understand
It's a reaction
To feeling worthless,
To feeling empty,
So numb
That hurting yourself
Is the only way
For things to feel real
At least
For a little while...
But I do, bc I've been there, still am, in a way.
Hope you like the poem.
May 2018 · 23.8k
I'm fine
Charlie Black May 2018
Despite the screaming in my head,
The tears in my eyes
"I'm fine..."
Is what I said
"I'll be there in a few minutes..."
Then I put down the phone
And ran into the street
My suicide
"An accident" they'll say
The perfect plan.

The average person lies four times a day,
The most common lie is
"I'm fine"

I nvisible
M arred
F ucked
I nsecure
N uerotic
E mpty
May 2018 · 232
Thank you
Charlie Black May 2018
I love being ignored
I love seeing that you read my text
And chose not to reply
I love it
Thank you...
Everyone I know.
I don't text people often, but when I do it's nice to know they care.
May 2018 · 204
Charlie Black May 2018
We are born to die.
May 2018 · 302
Charlie Black May 2018
I managed not to cry today
But now I'm home
Music in the background
And the void as my companion
I can cry all night long
Till I can't anymore
Till I just feel numb
And I can take the knife
To end my life
But end up missing
And with added scars
And blood all over
With new tears
That I didn't know I had
I can fall asleep
To wake up the next day
And repeat like yesterday
The same old routine
I'm not a good writer, and this definitely isn't good. But it's the truth.
May 2018 · 205
Charlie Black May 2018
I used to be good at school,
now, I'm struggling to pass.

I used to eat a lot,
now, if you do see me eat, watch where I go next.

I used to get 10 hours of sleep,
now, I'm lucky to get 3.

I used to wear short sleeves and dresses,
now, I need to hide the blood.

The changes were subtle at first and nobody seemed to notice.
(not that anyone was looking.)

But piece by piece I fell apart,
now I'm too broken to be fixed.
(not that anyone would think about trying.)

Now I'm the one with the rope in her closet,
waiting for midnight to begin her decent.
May 2018 · 198
Charlie Black May 2018
Anxiety and depression
Is being both scared and tired,
It's wanting to be alone but not lonely,
It's wanting friends without having to socialize,
It's feeling everything and nothing,
It's planning your suicide but wanting it to be an accident,
It's crying and screaming inside, while smiling for the public.
I know the idea of this poem isn't too original but I still hope you like it.
May 2018 · 198
I'm used to it all.
Charlie Black May 2018
I'm used to being canceled on,
To being stood up,
To being left out.
I'm used to being blamed,
To being bullied,
To being invisible.
I'm used to crying in my room,
To the lack of sleep,
To the feel of the blade on my arm,
To the purging after a meal.
I'm used to it all.
Don't feel guilty
I've learned to lower my expectations
To try and make these things not matter.
I'm used to it,
All of it.
I know it's not too good, but this is what I feel like my life is.
May 2018 · 287
Love is
Charlie Black May 2018
Love is
Letting yourself be entertained,
Even though, you know
It's not real.

Love is
Tricking yourself
Into believing they're good,
That there is happiness.

Love is
Exposing yourself
To him or her,
Letting them in
To tear you apart.

Love is
Amazing and powerful,
It's possessive and blinding,
It's falling face first
From a cliff,
Both scary and thrilling.

Love is

We all want love
No matter the cost,
To find it
Is to be free.
Apr 2018 · 551
Inner Demons
Charlie Black Apr 2018
She gave up the fight
She let her demons take control.
Knife to her arm
It breaks her skin
Another cut; another scar.
She watches the blood
Dark red the colour,
Warm and familiar
It runs down her skin.
Drop after drop
Onto the floor,
A puddle of blood
Now beneath her feet.
One more cut,
That's all it will take
For her to go and take her place,
Among the flames, among the tears.
She drops to the floor
Her body stops there
But her soul keeps falling,
Till it meets its demise.
This is my first poem. Hope you like it.

— The End —