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 Jun 2018 Neon Beaches
luci
.                                         it rides everything
                                  ~=~.~=~.~=~.~=~~=~.~­=~.~=~
              it pulls me in the morning and doesn't let me get out of bed
                it keeps me from flying away when i don't want to be here
                      it makes me fall for pretty strangers and their promises
                              it lets my fingers drown on my thoughts as i write
                                          it lets senseless words drop from my mouth
                                                   it forces people to not dream too much
                                                           keep your head on your shoulders
                                                       ­                and your feet in the ground
                                                          ­                             it lets things break
                                                           ­                                       it lets things
                                                          ­                                                        die
yet
a­ll those days
that sink and lay
with time will make sense
because gravity rides everything
                              ~=~.~=~.~=~.~=~.~=~~=~.~­=~.~=~.~=~
                                everything falls right into place.
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Time Since I've Cut Myself: 30 Seconds
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Time Since I've Cut Myself: 10 Minutes

You've done it a hundred times before
But just when you thought the day would come
When you'd lose track of time
You'd forget when it was
And you wouldn't have to count anymore
You thought you were free of it
You'd made it far enough
You thought you'd gone long enough
You thought it was over....

You fall right back to zero.
 Jun 2018 Neon Beaches
mk
my best friend has a boyfriend
and i want to scream
the love inside me is bubbling
it is rage on a californian summer day
my best friend has a boyfriend
and i want to scream
she is holding his hand
and he is touching her cheeks
he is tall and fair and quiet
he is what you were not
he is not you
but my best friend has a boyfriend
and i want to scream
i want to tell her to run from love
because it ends up in pain
i want her to teach me how to
fall in love again
i want her to tell me
how it felt when they first kissed
i want to know if it felt as mystical
as magical
as terrifying as us
my best friend has a boyfriend
and i want to scream
because everytime i see them
i think of you and me
dark and so much taller than me
speaking in tongues all native to me
silences that spoke more than words
my best friend has a boyfriend
and i want to scream
they have gotten what i have not
they are living what i will not
the death of us is the beginning of them
my best friend has a boyfriend
and i want to scream
this life is beautiful
but without you, thats hard to see.
 Jun 2018 Neon Beaches
Aisha Ella
"Swim!" I tell him,
As I drag him down, even further
Into this ocean of addiction.

"Swim, come on you can do this!" he cheers on,
While he slowly pulls me under
And drowns me.
 May 2018 Neon Beaches
Tatiana
There are clouds in the sky,
they mass together,
just a thick swath of gray,
that blocks the sun.

I'm walking home,
all by myself,
I've been doing that a lot now,
but it's okay.

I feel the wind pick up,
the dead leaves are swirling
all around me,
like some strange tornado.

A tornado of leaves,
how interesting.
If only the wind would pick me up
and carry me off.

Throughout my windy thoughts,
one raindrop fell,
slowly from my eye
down to my chin.

I felt it fall off my chin.
The wind left a cold chill
on the wet path on my cheek;
it stung.

Then the clouds finally broke down on me.
The rain poured, but I didn't rush to leave.
I walked at the same pace
with my face lifted to the sky.

I don't mind
I don't mind
I don't mind
© Tatiana
Here's a drafted poem from 2014. 4 years ago. Good Lord.
 May 2018 Neon Beaches
Toothache
43 61 6e 20 61 6e 79 6f 6e 65 20 68 65 72 65 20 6d 65 0d 0a 41 6d 20 49 20 73 63 72 65 61 6d 69 6e 67 20 6c 6f 75 64 20 65 6e 6f 75 67 68 0d 0a 4f 66 20 63 6f 75 72 73 65 20 74 68 6f 75 67 68 20 49 20 61 6d 20 6e 6f 74 0d 0a 4c 6f 6f 6b 20 61 74 20 6d 65 0d 0a 48 69 64 69 6e 67 20 0d 0a 49 6e 20 6c 69 6e 65 73 20 6f 66 20 74 65 78 74 20 6e 6f 74 20 65 76 65 6e 20 73 65 65 6e 0d 0a 4d 61 79 62 65 20 49 20 77 61 69 74 20 66 6f 72 20 74 68 65 20 6f 6e 65 20 77 68 6f 20 63 61 72 65 73 20 65 6e 6f 75 67 68 20 74 6f 20 62 65 20 72 65 61 64 69 6e 67 20 77 68 61 74 73 20 72 65 61 6c 6c 79 20 6c 65 66 74 0d 0a 55 6e 64 65 72 20 61 6c 6c 20 74 68 61 74 20 63 6f 64 65 20 6f 66 20 74 65 78 74 0d 0a 42 75 74 20 75 6e 74 69 6c 6c 20 74 68 65 6e 20 49 20 64 72 65 61 6d 0d 0a 54 6f 20 65 73 63 61 70 65 20 77 68 61 74 20 61 20 64 72 65 61 72 79 20 65 78 69 73 74 65 6e 63 65 20 0d 0a 4f 66 20 74 68 75 6e 64 65 72 20 63 6c 6f 75 64 73 20 73 6f 20 67 72 65 61 74 20 61 6e 64 20 6c 61 72 67 65 20 74 6f 20 73 77 61 72 6d 20 6f 76 65 72 20 62 75 72 6e 69 6e 67 20 68 65 61 72 74 73 0d 0a 4f 66 20 74 68 65 20 6d 61 69 64 65 6e 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 73 6b 79 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 6d 61 69 64 65 6e 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 73 65 61 0d 0a 41 73 20 74 68 65 79 20 62 69 63 6b 65 72 20 62 61 63 6b 20 61 6e 64 20 66 6f 72 74 68 20 0d 0a 4f 6e 20 77 68 6f 20 68 6f 6c 64 73 20 74 68 65 20 6d 6f 73 74 20 62 65 61 75 74 79 20 0d 0a 49 20 64 61 79 20 64 72 65 61 6d 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 6e 69 67 68 74 0d 0a 57 69 74 68 20 73 74 61 72 73 20 67 6c 69 73 74 65 6e 69 6e 67 20 75 6e 66 61 7a 65 64 20 73 6f 20 62 72 69 67 68 74 0d 0a 48 6f 77 20 74 68 65 79 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 77 61 76 65 72 20 6f 72 20 77 6f 72 72 79 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 6f 75 72 20 63 6f 77 61 72 64 6c 79 20 68 75 6d 61 6e 20 66 69 67 68 74 73 0d 0a 49 20 64 72 65 61 6d 20 6f 66 20 77 68 61 74 20 6f 6e 65 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 74 6f 20 77 6f 72 72 69 65 64 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 61 74 20 74 68 65 20 70 65 61 6b 20 6f 66 20 61 6e 20 69 63 79 20 77 68 69 74 65 20 6d 6f 75 6e 74 61 69 6e 20 0d 0a 49 20 61 73 73 75 6d 65 20 6e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 49 20 64 72 65 61 6d 20 6f 66 20 64 61 79 73 20 49 20 63 61 6e 20 70 61 73 73 2e 0d 0a 57 68 6f 65 76 65 72 20 64 61 72 65 64 20 74 6f 20 64 65 63 6f 64 65 20 74 68 69 73 20 77 65 65 70 79 20 70 6f 65 6d 2e 0d 0a 49 20 6e 65 65 64 20 79 6f 75 20 74 6f 20 6b 6e 6f 77 2e 0d 0a 49 20 61 6d 20 6e 6f 74 20 61 6c 72 69 67 68 74 2e 0d 0a 49 20 61 6d 20 6e 6f 74 20 6f 6b 2e 0d 0a 49 20 61 6d 20 73 63 61 72 65 64
48 65 79 20 6c 6f 6f 6b 20 61 20 70 6f 65 6d 20 69 6e 20 68 65 78 20 68 6f 77 20 63 72 61 7a 7a 79
 May 2018 Neon Beaches
Wind Lass
I dealt death today.

I know it’s a part of the job.
I know I’ve seen it too many times to count.
But today,
I felt it.

I left the room long after their family did.
There was no where I could go
To escape their

Roaring grief.

They were long gone.
And I was left with their precious baby.
I curled his arms and legs up
Closed his eyes
Wrapped him up gently.
With love and respect
Here he’ll sleep forever.

And oh,
They are so thankful,
That it was me
That I understood
That I was so careful
That I spent the time with them.

And you’re not supposed to take it with you.
You’re supposed to leave it
When they walk out the door
With one less goodbye.

But I took it with me today.

The way they felt before
The way they felt after
The long quiet goodbyes
The man in a suit on his knees weeping
The mother and son making a cocoon
Sheltering their dying baby.
The solemn face of the woman who plays god.
The green death.
The last breath.
The heaving of the living as he gave his last.
The waiting.
Slower rhythm.
Quieter.
‘He’s gone now’.

I watched the clock
The same way I had
An hour before
Waiting for death.

Soon as I could
I fled out the door
Ran into the street
Tried to outrun it

Instead I ran to you
I dialled your number
With shaking hands

I know I’m not supposed to
But all I wanted was you
Your voice

Ringing out
Thankfully
I wept alone.

Today I dealt death
And I found I am not strong enough
To sustain this
Alone
Or for long.

I found I still consider you my haven
Deep down
But that you are not my haven anymore
Or should be.

I listened to the silence
After the call rang out
And decided
What will I do when I hit the last straw? What becomes of me and my useless brain? This was too much today. I wish I didn’t want you. I’ve made an obsession out of you.
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