Yesterday I looked at myself in the mirror
And although I tried to take the advice given to me by my therapist
I was unable to find a single thing I might even just tolerate about myself.
Instead, my mind and heart raced each other, trying to see who would win the prize of defeating me
as I scan my naked body for each and every inconsistency and insufficiency.

You see my first memory of self hatred comes from a place most people could not predict.
Imagine me at six years old standing in the shower, so proud of myself
For finally graduating from the bathtub I had associated with childhood.
I had just finished reading “Falling Up” by Shel Silverstein.
And out of the more than 400 poems by this poet one stuck to my brain
Like peanut butter on the roof of my mouth after eating a PB&J.

Now if you’ll forgive me for getting off track for just this moment
I’d like to read you this poem entitled “Scale.”

“If I could only see the scale,
I’m sure that it would state
That I’ve lost ounces...maybe pounds
Or even tons of weight.
‘You’d better eat some pancakes-
You’re skinny as a rail.’
I’m sure that’s what the scale would say…
If only I could see the scale.”

If you’ve ever read a poem by Shel Silverstein you’d know that each of them
Are accompanied by an illustration.
This particular poem is positioned next to a drawing of a person standing on a scale
Unable to see the number because their stomach juts out just far enough
To block their view of the information that scale is providing.
I remember looking down at my naked body
Only to realize that i also could not see my feet.
My childish, growing, prepubescent tummy obstructed my view of my toes.
And I remember thinking for the first time, “Wow, I am fat.”
And that same feeling has followed me throughout these subsequent years.
Throughout elementary, middle, high school and beyond.
My dysmorphic perspective has been a shadow of which I could not shake.
And try as I might, deep down I knew that this was my fate.

I started restricting what I ate starting in 6th grade.
-I counted calories lost and gained and measured my size by the tightness of a tank top.
I watched videos of people like Eugenia Cooney,
and inspired myself through the photos I saw of
Emaciated girls kept alive by feeding tubes.
I was 12.
-I was diagnosed with Ee Dee En Oh Ess in the summer of seventh grade.
EDNOS is a catch-all eating disorder characterized by the characteristics you lacked
To be able to gain the coveted name brand DSM-5 diagnosis of anorexia.
-This I considered to be my failure.
To not qualify because of a lack of being underweight was all I needed for motivation.
So I doubled down on my efforts to lose weight and by the age of fourteen
I had finally achieved that which I so...craved.
I was the best. The skinniest. The one people whispered about in the halls and I had all the attention I could ever dream of getting.
And I was happy.
Wasn’t I?

Skip ahead to now and you will know my comeback story.
Seven years of weekly therapy, numerous psych ward stays, and one near-death experience
I can finally say that I am at a stable and healthy weight.
I continue to despise my body, but now I have the tools and mechanisms to be able to fight off the demon I had nicknamed “Ana”.
-And while I still cannot say that I truly love myself the way I am,
Slowly and steadily I continue to improve.
And I hope that one day I can look into that mirror, take in all my flaws and still be able to tell little 6 year old Grace…
“Sweet girl, you will be okay”.

"I know reaching out for help is hard but it's the most important step to start the recovery process.
Things will work out,
give time to you and your healing process.
It's okay to not be able to help yourself, it's fine to say that you need help."

"Believe me, people will be affected if you aren't around anymore.
Just give yourself time before taking any major step.
Life's precious
And you've been granted one as the most intelligent species of the planet, so don't let it go."

"Don't forget this too shall pass
You'll be out of this miserable phase soon.
Be practical, you'll stay upset for a year, you'll waste a year but that's just 0.01% of your life.
Life's long,
Just hang in there, this phase will pass and you'll have many more years left to make your life worth it."

"If you still feel I haven't been of much help, it's alright, don't lose faith and try someone else but believe me you'll get out of this soon."

~ S.G

I live in two worlds,

one in my head, a fantasy,
a world created by my words,
a get-away, an escape from reality,

another, the authentic actuality,
a stark contrast to my verses,
in disparity with the picture in my head,

of how it's supposed to be

Worries
When you set them free
It sets you free
Happier

In a cage
The bird knows its resting spot
Free, it has many
On the tree

There is no better place
To allay your fears
Other than your own head
At rest

Silence is the loudest sound,
It's distracting,
It wakes people up,
It reminds them what life's worth,
It reminds them of fear.

On the other hand...

Silence is peace,
It is the absence of thought,
It is you melting with the universe,
It is the softest end,
To the loudest beginning.

our mouths go dry,
our actions get lazy,
our anchors unmoored,
our directions change,
our bearings are misaligned,
our charts remain unplotted,
our complacencies swell,
our greed metastasise,
our ignorance nurtured...


How then,
would our story end?

.