I'm not sure how to put it into words
But counting all these sheep
That travel in many herds
Won't aid me in drifting off to sleep
Although my eyelids threaten to close
And the yawns never seem to cease
It seems every time I nearly doze
When I'm all cozy in a blanket of fleece
An image of you flashes in my mind
And jolts me wide awake
And I can't seem to unwind
So please, for my sake
Tell me, darling, that you love me
Or even simply that you care
Because I'm riddled with uncertainty
And it's truly unfair
That you lie sound asleep at night
Blissfully unaware in your bed
No worries or cares in sight
While I'm awake with you in my head.

I'm not one for small talk
Some call me introverted
It's not that I'm scared to speak
It's that I don't want to participate
In trivial things
Like how the weather's been
Or what color nail polish is in
Tell me what lurks in the inky black depths
Of your soul
And maybe you'll catch my interest
And maybe I'll tell you what lurks in mine
But until then I'll sit quietly
And sip my tea
And dream of causing a little controversy

I've lost so many people
Through death
Through betrayal
Through the natural course of life
So darling, don't be upset
That I'm okay with losing you too
It's par for the course
Something I've grown accustomed to
Don't expect my heart to shatter
You can't break something that's not there
I'm made to walk alone
And I'm okay with that
If you'd like to walk alone
By my side
Then be my guest
But it won't make me
Or break me
If I have to go solo
Because I can live happily
With or without you

I don't know what it is about late nights and seasons of love and why they make me miss you more than I already do. Something about thinking of all those plans we had and the fact that I'm living them without you. Something about the scent of your skin mingling with my perfumed wrists. Something about the way I'd argue that I wasn't beautiful but you'd just continue to insist. Something about all those I love you's I held back in fear of rejection. Something about the fact that all along you needed my protection. Something about these memories and feelings I just don't understand. Everything was so much clearer when I was holding your hand.

Alone
Never lonely
Never good enough
For anybody
Pick apart
All my flaws
Until my soul
Is rubbed raw
Not pretty enough
Too delicate
To be tough
Not as talented as her
Not as lovely
Needing to be thinner
My hips
Too wide
I crush
My pride
I do this
So self inflicted
I want to love myself
But I'm so conflicted
How do I love
Someone so disgusting
The tears I cry
Have my heart of steel rusting
Making it harder to break free
From this self inflicted misery

I have an unhealthy distaste for spring
All the feelings it seems to bring
Every year I feel the same again
I watch flowers bloom with disdain
Spring fever poisons the minds of others
But I hide from this disease under the covers
I long for winter and fall
Spring makes me feel so small
In the warmer months I grow old
Maybe that's why I yearn for the cold
Every year I bid winter adieu  
And wait for her to return anew
I wish I could follow her wherever she wanders
Maybe my spring times wouldn't be so somber

You tied me to the end of a red ribbon. You're happily pulling me along behind. I'm being pulled through the dirt and scraping and bruising myself on the ground. But when I cry, you don't even turn around. I have no scissors to cut myself free. So you run along, dragging me. I'm stuck to the end of your red ribbon. Don't forget that as you string me along. I'm a human with feelings and I'm bruised and battered and hurt. I've begged to be let free but it's like you can't even hear me. How long will you string me along?

I don't like to write all my feelings down poetically. I can only turn sad stuff into pretty poems. But when it comes to the content melancholy feelings it's something better left directly said. I'm not happy. But I'm not exactly sad either. I'm exceedingly emotionless. I'm not even sure if that's a good state or a bad state to be in. I suppose it's at least a clear state to be in. You can see things for what they are. You're not blinded by happiness nor are you shrouded in sadness. So I guess melancholy isn't so bad.

My little suicidal sweet pea
Tells her pain and troubles to me
She gives up so often
Watching her heart soften
I've never been good at expressing how I feel
But without you my heart would never heal
Please stay
If only for another day
No one is better off without you
I promise you, it's true
Especially not me
You'd leave me in misery
You're the first who truly understands
The pain I've had to withstand
And I understand yours
So please don't close your doors
Continue telling me how you feel
My love for you is real
I'll take care of you as long as you need me to
Please my suicidal sweet pea, don't be so blue

I've cried tears of sorrow
And tears of joy
And as these tears spill from my eyes
I can't help but to wonder
If they both elicit the same reaction
Is it because there's happiness in the sorrow
Or sadness in the smiles.

Could you at least stay goodbye? I can't seem to shake the feeling you're still here. And it'll be easier if you just drain me of this poisonous hope that courses through my veins for you. I know you're not coming back. I know you've left me without so much as a farewell. I know you're oblivious to the way you've made my life Hell. But ******, you must know somewhere in that brain of yours that you hurt me. I don't even want some pathetic apology. I want you to pierce my heart with the words I need to hear. Tell me you don't love me and tell me you don't care. Tell me that and **** the part of me that still holds on to loving you. It's been months. I've known you for years. I think I at least deserve a goodbye.

Don't worry
I'll be gone very soon
I'll disappear into wherever it may be
I'm very sorry
I troubled you
It'll never happen again
That I can swear to
I won't speak
Or breathe your way
I won't be able to
I'm too far gone
You can't reel me in
Let me sink
This is the end
Of me
The little girl
With too much hope
Reality hit her hard
She just couldn't cope

I have a case of the Mean Reds, it seems.
I'm not sure of what, but I am deeply scared.
Maybe I'm scared that my future might not align with my dreams.
Or perhaps I'm too busy doubting myself and wondering if you ever cared.
Possibly fretting over whether love is meant to be.
If my heart will be broken more than the times it's mended.
Petrified of what the universe plans for me.
Deeply unsure of why a myriad of beautiful things in my life have ended.
Worrying over whether I am good enough.
How will I achieve what I so desperately desire?
What if I can't make it when the times get rough?
So many frightening questions that I despise to even inquire.
I've got the mean reds and I'm just not sure.
What is it I'm so scared of?
And is there a cure?

Turning into an adult is somewhat reminiscent of the plague
I tried my best to stop the virus from spreading
I held onto my childhood like my life line
I desperately protected and nursed the flickering ember of youth in my soul
But even with such careful and tentative behavior
I found myself sipping on a dark roasted brew
Letting acidic bitterness of coffee burn my throat
And planning for college, my future
Planning out ways to achieve my goals
And making rational decisions like no child ever would
And as I stare at the purple hues that look like a dark watercolor painting under my eyes
I realize that I've caught the plague
This horrid plague of adulthood
I grew up too quickly
Far before any of my peers
And maybe it's because I fought it so hard that it took hold of me and infected me so mercilessly
But regardless of how or why it happened the way that it did, I am here now, exhausted and defeated, staring my fears in the face.

I can't be your doormat anymore. I'm sorry. Truly, I am. I want you to be happy. And it seems walking on me makes you that way. But I have to take care of myself now. And taking care of me means you're not welcome here anymore. Don't come to me when you're sad. You used up all the chances you had.

Can you feel me thinking of you? Sometimes I think it's all I do. Do memories hurt you in the same way that they hurt me? Did you finally realize that freedom's not really free? If you saw me on the street would you look the other way? Or would you stop and talk... I'd be curious as to what you'd say. Would you ask me how I've been? Or would you be scared my patience had grown too thin? It hasn't, it should've long ago. But I still wait for you regardless of what I know. My hope won't die, and nor will my love for you, dear. So if we happen to cross paths, don't have any fear. I'll welcome you with open arms, as pathetic as that sounds. But darling, you're the only one that I still look for in this little town.

Some people feed off nothing but negativity and sadness. Don't get involved.

You can't fix people, they are the only ones who can fix themselves.

Be kind, but don't let yourself get walked on.

Embrace the things you love.

Not everyone is going to like you. That's okay.

You're going to make mistakes. It's human nature to ***** up occasionally.

Don't let anyone tell you that you're less than.

People may not understand what you're going through, but that doesn't mean they don't care.

Don't be afraid to live.

Not everyone deserves a second chance.

Don't let people guilt you into things. You're allowed to say no.

Today is yesterday's tomorrow. Don't waste it.

Never give up on your dreams.

"If you can dream it, you can do it"

Once you've come to terms with dying
You stop checking for monsters under the bed
If they **** you, you won't mind
Besides, they live in your head
No more looking both ways
When you cross a busy street
If they hit you, maybe you'll die
You think as you stare down at your feet
No point in reading how many pills
You're supposed to take
You take the whole bottle
Maybe you'll finally break
Are accidents still accidents
If they're purposely done?
What if you accidentally
Shot that loaded gun

I fiddle with my phone, aggressively clicking shuffle - trying to find that perfect "f*ck you" song. I say I'm not bitter, and that I'm not hurt, but my breathing is ragged and my chest heaves but you're only paying attention to the stone cold expression on my face - so you don't notice the signs. I'll do all I can so that you never know how much damage that one small thing caused me. How one tiny shard of the glass that slipped from your tongue shredded me to pieces. I'll keep you in the dark and tell you I'm fine with more bite in my voice than intended. And I'll pray you didn't notice that my wall cracked for a second. And that you didn't see the broken girl hiding behind it.

Today I was asked what emotion I'm afraid of
Love, fear, guilt, hatred, selfishness..
I wasn't too sure
But I think instead of specifics
I'm just scared of feeling
Love can break you
Guilt can make you do unthinkable things
Fear is what keeps you up at night
Happiness can be ripped away from you
Sadness can drown you
Emptiness is the only time i feel no fear
The lack of emotion
Nothing to live for
Nothing to die for
Nothing to be scared of losing
Emptiness is safe
So I'm afraid of feeling
It's dangerous to feel

I once rode the city bus in New Orleans
To rest my feet and see the town
A couple minutes in a young boy boarded
Took the seat across from me and sat down
"**** Love" was tattooed across his knuckles
Our eyes met and he looked at me knowing
And I just smiled and looked away
Abruptly, he asked where I was going
I told him I wanted to explore the city
He told me to steer clear of certain places
And told me which roads were safe
That some areas are dangerous for girls with pretty pale faces
We chatted for a while longer
And when we reached his stop he bid me farewell
I smiled and told him goodbye
Little did he know he gave me a grand story to tell
And I tell it frequently
My brief meeting with **** love boy
He gave me a memory to look on
When I need some joy
I'll always remember
People aren't always what they seem
And think of **** love boy
That I met in New Orleans

Can I stop the clock?
This is all happening too fast.
So much doubt
I'm not ready
Maybe I'll never be
Give me a few more years
I still remember becoming a teen
Adulthood seemed like forever away
But now it's hanging over my head
Like a menacing black cloud
Threatening to pour down on me any second
I've never been so scared
Of not having enough time
Why did I rush this?
Why was I such a fool?
Carelessly wishing my life away
One short year at a time
Now I've played all my cards
And I've nowhere left to hide
The time is upon me
I can feel it inside
My terrified heart
That beats in tandem
With the ticking of the clock
An internal reminder
Of impending disaster

I hate waking up before four pm because the day goes by so slow when you haven't slept most of it away. I remember when I was happy I couldn't find enough hours in the day but now there are just too many. I used to be upset at how fast my life flew by but lately I just want the day to be over with as soon as it starts. And I know I'll regret that someday but right at this moment  it hurts too much to care. There are so many things said about time and how you should never waste it... But I think I am a waste of time so what's the point anyway?

Broadway, my darling
She welcomes me in
Hugs me close
Like a long lost friend
Tells me that
I belong here
I'll be strong here
Never an outcast
When you're part of
Her cast
Sing your life away
In a beautiful play
And you can always come home
To broadway.

I don't like today's music
I think it's all the same
Everyone's being a follower
To have a shot at fame
I dress a little differently
Than most kids in my generation  
I like to look classy
I don't share the same grunge infatuation
I don't read Seventeen
Or Teen Vogue for that matter
Because honestly I don't care
What celebrity is getting fatter
I listen to show tunes
And practice my singing voice
Cause my mom taught me early on
That I have a choice
You can be whatever you want
And whoever you want, too
Don't let societies regulations
Try and define you
Be different, unique
Be your own work of art
Your decisions shouldn't be based on popularity
They should come from your heart.

I'm scared. Yeah I'll admit it. I'm ******* scared. I got my first job today. And in doing that I realized why I waited so long to get one. Because it ******* terrifies me. Inside I tricked myself into thinking that I was still ten years old, without a care in the world. But now I'm working. Clocking in and out. Making money to live. And it's scary as hell. To be ripped out of your comfort zone and spoon fed a dose of reality. I'm 17. But I'd give anything to be 16 again. Just rewind me back a year or a few. Im 17. I'm not supposed to feel like this. I'm supposed to be excited. At least that's what I've been told. But instead I'm sitting alone in my room crying over growing up. And I'm scared of that.

Although I've long given up on you
I still feel that surge of pain
When people ask me if you're still around
And I have to answer again and again
That I haven't heard from you
For quite a while
And my heart still breaks a little
When I think of your smile
And no one ever notices
How painfully and longingly I sigh
When I think of the fact
That you never said even said goodbye

The past three birthdays I had, you celebrated with me. I woke on the day of my new year awaiting the "Happy Birthday" that came from you. And my 18th is rapidly approaching. The one I've been scared of all along. And you're not here to offer me comfort as you used to. And I feel betrayed.. And lost. And I wish you didn't have such a strong hold on my heart strings. Please, let me go.

These pills don't work
My face is a mess
I'm just a tragedy
In a dress
**** the lies
I'm always told
I don't know if I can wait
Til I'm old
I want to die now
There's no use for me
I'm just a pointless little
Tragedy

I'm a traveler.
I traveled to Italy.
I traveled to France.
I traveled to run away from you.
But you were there.
Every time.
You were in the waters of Venice.
And the in lights of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
You were in the roads of Germany.
And the winds in Spain.
You were in the sands of Egypt.
And in England, you called my name.  
No matter where I go.
On this planet of green and blue.
You're a part of me.
And no matter how far I travel,
I can't run from myself.
And I can't run from you.

Two AM.
I'm writing poetry.
In bed.
Two AM.
I'm writing to you.
In my head.
Two AM.
I'm sleep deprived.
Drinking coffee.
Two AM.
Shaking the sleep.
Off of me.

You came into my life
Like dandelion fluff in the breeze
Sweet, soft, magestic
You floated in with ease
Fresh snowfall
On a crisp winter night
The thought of you
Keeps me warm and alright
You placed your heart
Within my gentle hands
Your love flutters in the air
And in my battered soul it lands
And through my tired eyes
I can truly see
Right through your disguise
You're broken
Just like me
But together we can fix each other
Together we can see
The light that burns
In both of our torn up hearts
With fire and ice
We create the ultimate work of art

I'm 17
Almost 18
Young in years
Old in experience
5'10
Nearly six foot
Tall in feet
Short in confidence
Sharp tongued
Soft hearted
Strong outside
Weak inside
Alive in appearance
Dead in emotions
Light eyes
Dark soul
I'm deception
In human form

I don't know how to not push you away. I don't know how to deal with these feelings I can't convey. They're locked up inside my heart, my head, my chest, my lungs, my fingertips. You're looking right at me but you fail to notice how my consciousness slips. With every passing breath, my lungs become harder to use. I'm not listening to your words, I'm just wondering why internal wounds are so much easier to bruise.  The pain is still horrendous to feel. But to the world, if the wounds aren't visible, they're not real. It's like I'm being torn from the inside out. But I can't find my voice to let the monster out. And no one seems to notice if you're breaking inside. Everyone looks the other way, even when your tears refuse to subside. I'm too tired to fight. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe they're right.
But God, I thought crazy was supposed to be bliss. No one warned me I'd wind up like this.

The grass is only greener on the other side because it's envious of the grass on yours. The flowers wilt because the know they'll never be as beautiful as you, darling. The sun hides behind the clouds in shame because it can't compare to the light that sparks in your eyes when you dance in the night. Your heart breaks because it just can't take all the love pumping through it. Your mind says all those nasty things to you because it's jealous of your brilliance. So don't worry my dear, find the good in the bad, and I promise you can do it.

I march along the pavement
Feeling incredibly lonely
Although I am not alone
I have my demons with me
Depression draped like a scarf
Resting over my eyes
I cannot see
Through it's myriad of lies
Anxiety whispering
Softly In my ear
You're not good enough
You don't belong here
My BDD stops me
At every mirror I pass by
I have to meet the standards
Of my demons perfectionist eye
I walk along shrouded
In my invisible darkness
You look at me and see a normal girl
You'd never guess I carry all this

It's been three months
Four?
I don't know anymore
I have some hope
But it's fading fast
I wanted us to last
I'm scared
What's happened to you?
Do you still think of me too?
I miss your laugh
The way you smile
You know dear, it's been a while
I still have a place
In my heart for you
You have to know that much is true
I may not have a spot in yours
But I love you just the same
I just don't know if I can play this game

Help.
I'm.
Feeling.

I've considered killing myself
More times than I've considered
Learning how to live again
Because I don't want to
Live all over again
Only to die all over again
I've thought about cutting my wrists
More times than I've tried
Letting the other cuts heal
I've cried over you
More times than I've smiled
In my whole life
I've told others
How beautiful and fantastic they are
More times than I've told myself
I'm worth something
I've lost more than I've gained
And died more than I lived
The amount of tears I cried could drown
The amount of times I've smiled

The sun may see me every day
But the moon knows me
In every way
She knows how many tears it takes
To soak my pillow
She calls to me like a friend
Her little weeping willow
She knows the blood that trails
Down my skin
She knows I patch myself up
Only to begin all this again
She knows how desperately
I'm trying to fly to her
Like a little plane
Made of paper
She knows one day
I'll make it
I'll fly up to her
And there I won't have to fake it
The smile I paint on
For the sun
I'll start my new adventure with the moon
And the one down here can be done.

Perpetual sadness
That's all this is
Just a melancholy mind
And a black soul
Twisting together  
To create a darkness
That envelops every
Happy emotion I have
Until they become
Nothing more than
Neutral, dull, nothingness
I can't feel exitement
My laughter is always forced
My smile never stays
My heart always breaks
Perpetual sadness
That's all my life has become
A rerun
Of nothingness

I've never felt such yearning... To just march up to you and declare that I love you with every fibre of my being. But no matter how much I yearn to set my adoration free and take that weight off my shoulders, I have shackles holding me back. Iron shackles created from pure fear. Fear of the reaction that you'll give. I'm not scared of telling you, in fact I've never been so eager to tell anyone that I loved them in my life. But I'm terrified of what you'll say in return, because I can almost guarantee that the answer will not be "I love you, too."

Who am I?
I could tell you my name
Or the year I was born
But it's all the same
I'm not telling you who I am
With an answer like that one
It's just my label
The name I was given
Who I am
Isn't so easily obtained
Who I am
Is me when I'm playing in the rain
Who I am
Is my tears that fall
Who I am
Is my fearlessness to stand tall
Who I am
Is not just a name
Who I am
Is my inner flame

I'll send you away just like I do with everyone else
I care about you so I'll push you away
As hard as it may be, I won't let you close to me
I can't afford to get hurt so I'll keep you at bay

**** me
I don't deserve to live
I pick at my self
In a desperate search
To find the beauty within
But all I'm left with
Is a hollow heart
Broken and used
Completely torn apart
I'm not beautiful
Nor pretty
Nor skinny
Nor funny
I'm nothing
Invisible
Disgusting
Good for nothing
Self loathing
Maybe I am something
I'm nothing to you
And nothing to me
A shell full of nothing
A something
And that something
Is me

It's hard to put my finger on what's wrong with me
What really is hurting me
It's like having a knife in your back
But you just can't find it
So when I'm asked by others
"Well what's making you sad?"
I stumble over my words
And trip over my thoughts
And search for answers
That I just can't seem to grasp
Because I truly don't know
I can't explain how I'm feeling
With the words that I know
It's like asking me to explain the color yellow
To someone who's never seen it before
It's not something I can tell you
To truly understand you'd have to feel it
And see it with your own eyes
But I'd never wish that upon anyone
So I guess I'll never have an answer
And you'll never understand
What's really making me sad
Is more than I can explain
To understand it, you'd have to feel my pain

I'm a corpse
Pretending to be alive
Just waiting
For my black chariot to arrive
To take me away
Down below the sea
Drowning under
My black veil of misery

I wish I was a candle
Because when a candle gets burned
To the point of no return
It just slowly melts away
It doesn't have to live on
Harboring all the pain
It just disappears
Until it is nothing
I am nothing
So why haven't I been given the gift of disappearing?