you can’t come into my life
a year or two later and try to make a home out of someone who truly didn’t want to be called home
After all, it’s a dangerous thing because if you have a fallout with the person who you considered ‘’ home’’ so to speak
then what do you do when you suddenly think of all the memories you and that person made
out of nowhere

I feel like we’re going in circles darling
this back and forth
tugging at my heartstrings
only to leave me at midnight
Don’t play me for a fool once again
my heart doesn’t deserve to feel broken
my feelings aren’t your little toy that can be messed with
I’m worth more than all your mind games combined babydoll

See I wanted to write about you and everything that I silently picked up on up
if you're wondering what I picked up on
Body language and cues
The way you tensed up when you were about to hear bad news
your anxiety
how it at times it came crashing down and you didn't know what to do
I reassured you the best way I could  
when you're concentrating or deep in thought about something
( I knew not to disturb you )
opening up to anyone was a task in itself
you hated doing that / I understood
The way you like to sing off key you think you sounded horrible singing wise
I disagreed
Personally, to me, I thought you sounded good
you told me a lot of info about yourself gradually over the months we got to know each other
I told you a lot of things as well
but one thing is for sure I picked up on several things you weren't aware of and I'd never tell you this
but you're easy to read just like a book
if you're annoyed, angry or upset
you might think oh no one cared or  noticed
I noticed
as it was written all over your face meaning you had the most readable ****** expressions
if you're wondering how I knew about your moods
it's simple really I could tell in the tone of your voice
if you were about to cry you had a certain tone of voice that suggested quivering in I'm about break down and cry tone of voice or how you were upset you had a certain way of behaving that let me know either to give you space or to comfort you
if you were mad ( depending on what the issue was / who the individual was and how long ago it was in addition to the details determined everything )
how you'd need space or you felt upset / still brought up the issue no matter how long ago said everything
and how could I forget your favorite songs the way you hummed them
favorite food and snacks
I still remember the details that you told me
the way we both know I'm fine or I'm okay
is a complete lie when either one of us
is upset mostly you though
when you're upset or down it's like I can sense that your energy is off / vibes are off some way or another
but one thing about our friendship is how we told each other several things
and because of that I still remember how you react
favorite snacks
your dreams and what your plans for the future were
how you handled relationships

The first time I had fallen in love
It kinda snuck up behind me
I wasn’t expecting it
it was a long time ago in the past
I remember feeling so nervous
Afraid of making a bad impression and embarrassing myself
when I fell in love with them
it wasn’t one of those oh it’s you or  a fast realization type of love
it was one where I can vividly remember the moment where I fell in love
and after all these years and months I still have nostalgia about it
I knew the likes and dislikes
what their dreams in life were and several other things
You know how you know something like the back of your hand and it doesn’t matter how many months it’s been or how much time has passed
you still remember the things that were told to you in that moment
That’s how it was with them
I knew when they were  mad , angry  and upset  
wanting to turn their back on the world
All I could think was I love you and your flaws even when your angry , upset and mad
there is nothing you could do to convince me otherwise
When I realized that I was in love with them
the silent battle to tell or not to tell was the question
the thing was I didn’t wanna lose our friendship
all i could think was us breaking apart as friends would hurt worse verses us breaking apart
as a couple
And by the time I had realized that I might want to tell them
it was already too late
The chance had come and gone

But when a opportunity to tell them presented itself to me
I couldn’t do it
the old feelings that I thought were gone
rose up and suddenly the courage to tell was gone
just like it had arrived
- The things you’ll never know// The dilemma of falling for someone who you’re just friends with

I understand why poets are anonymous
The ability to be able to write one’s inner thoughts and feelings without judgement
in addition to added privacy
But most of all an outlet
an escape from the world and the responsibilities every once in a while
Just taking a moment to reflect on things
sometimes what’s written down on the pages or online can bring up old emotions that were better left untouched within the corners of one’s mind
other times it can feel so overwhelming having so much info to dump somewhere
but the only outlet available is a keyboard and your thoughts
writing and writing until you feel satisfied with your work
or until the feeling of finally letting go resembles a trash bin from recycling
you’ve unloaded the thoughts and you feel a bit lighter